agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: Is it rude to move the front passenger seat in a car if you are only going to be in it for a short time? My fiance and I have been together nine years. I don't own a car, so he takes me everywhere, and I have the passenger seat adjusted perfectly.

When his 17-year-old daughter, who is only in the car once a month or so, gets in his car, the first thing she does is move the passenger seat. We are about the same height and weight, and I see no need for her to do it when she's in the car for only 20 minutes or so.

My fiance refuses to ask her to leave the seat where it is, but I feel she's being disrespectful and that he should say something to her about it. Please help. This is causing a lot of arguments and hurt feelings. -- AGGRAVATED PASSENGER

DEAR AGGRAVATED: I'll try. If you value the relationship you have with your fiance of NINE YEARS, stop sniping at his daughter and adjust the seat to its original position ONCE A MONTH when you enter the car. This isn't a competition over who he prefers, so stop trying to turn it into one.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2854354

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Had to read this after the previous post, Harriette's letter, because that one annoyed me so much.

Abby gets it completely right, no notes.

If LW and their fiance's daughter being "about the same height and weight" means that Daughter doesn't need to adjust the passenger seat for comfort, it also means that the LW doesn't need to change the seat position back.

Seriously. If A=B, B=A.

One would think, but apparently it doesn't work that way in LW's world.

THE DRIVER NEEDS TO ADJUST THE SEAT TO THE POSITION THAT IS COMFORTABLE FOR THEM AND WHERE THEY CAN REACH THE STEERING WHEEL AND PEDALS COMFORTABLY. THIS IS A SAFETY ISSUE.

Spouse and I are about the same height, but I have more of my height in my torso and less in my legs; I have to have the seat much further forwards than he does. If he drives my car and adjusts it, I adjust it back when I'm next in it. NBD.

It's not the driver's seat, it's the front passenger seat.

Oops, missed that. (I'm having a really bad reading comprehension day and need more sleep.)

I rescind my all-caps, but still think LW needs to get over it.

*sends you restful vibes*

Same height and weight doesn't mean 'same length of legs' because People Are Different.

Wow, this person is ridiculous.

Omg seriously. I'm 5'7", as are two of my close friends. A couple years ago they were both at my house so we measured our inseams *~for funsies~* - Becky was 29 inches, Mara was 27 inches, and I was 33 inches. Just a bit different there.

Holy cow, way to take flat ground and pretend it’s a hill to die on. Just move the damn seat back.

I'm stealing that saying. It's beautiful.

You are more than welcome to it. :)

Holy wow, what a ridiculous complaint. It's so ridiculous that I can't help feeling that there's something more going on, a kind of competition for place in the fiance's life. If it is, LW, you need to get over it; nothing good can ever come of making a parent choose between you and their child.

If it's not a larger thing, if this really is about car seats, can I have LW's problems, please?

LW is clearly having a daughter issue here. But...

I actually do agree with the LW that it can be annoying, because it can be difficult for some passengers to adjust it back.

I have had this issue where I have literally had to go to the passenger side of the car and adjust it back for my other regular passengers because one of my regular passengers liked seat leaning way back even for short drives (he’s tall but not *that* tall).

And as my current car doesnt have the electric adjustable options my previous car did, I am not sure I want anyone who isn’t a similar build to me to ever drive my car because having to futz with the settings (including the mirrors) when I already had them perfect is a pain and results with not finding the comfortable settings again, especially if one is trying not to hold up passengers trying to sort them out in a rush.

If LW said something about how it inconveniences her -- especially more than just the annoyance of "I have to change it back" -- I'd be more sympathetic. But leg length differences exist, preferences exist, and I'm not sure that expecting someone to be uncomfortable for a 20 minute car ride is reasonable.

I suspect that this might be a symptom of a larger issue between LW and fiance's daughter. But if it's such an issue, maybe she and her future stepdaughter need to talk about it, preferably when it's not in the heat of the moment. (Also, fiance of nine years? Is this a "Guys and Dolls" remake? More seriously, why do I have this nagging feelings that one of the factors in the length of the engagement may have to do, in some direction, with fiance having a minor child? And that the seat positioning thing is where the issue is coming to the surface? I am making enough stew out of one oyster here for the loaves and the fishes, but one of the things I love about this comm is that we are not shy about writing RPF of the letters that show up here.)

Some people use "fiance" to mean a long-term partner they aren't married to, which surprised me at first. I suspect one reason for that is that people think "fiance" sounds more serious or adult than boyfriend/girlfriend, or they have relatives who take the relationship more seriously with that label.

This. Alternatively, they could have been together for nine years and only recently decided that they plan to marry. I know any number of people who've had relationships go roughly that way.

Good point, though if the reason it took them until now had anything to do with waiting until one partner's child from a previous relationship is of age, that could in turn still be a factor, or even be the reason the position of the seat of the car has become an issue now that LW and fiance are formalizing their relationship.

Good point. And if

ethelmay above is right, they may have only just decided to formalize their union... though that, too, could tie in with the "waiting to get married until the child from one partner's previous relationship is no longer a minor" which in turn could be part of LW's reaction.

Edited (Clarity) 2023-07-28 03:20 (UTC)

Of they could have decided to dormalize it/get official recognition for some reason that LW didn't bother to include in the letter.

cattitude and I might count in

ethelmay's group of people who decided to get married after a long period as unmarried partners, in our case because there was suddenly a reason to want that piece of paper. We were living together unmarried for about 14 years, and then it was only a few weeks between deciding "we should get married" and doing it. Those few weeks were because my my mother wanted to be there, even though we were just going down to City Hall, and she already had a visit to New York planned.

LW sounds exhausting.

This is one of the ones where I can barely believe this is true. I mean, what sort of adult is so petty to make this a point of contention? How can anyone make themselves the centre of everyone's world, to this extent? I would think this is a fake, but... the Internet has taught me otherwise. I like my sheltered views of humanity some days.