Carolyn Hax: Productivity

[cereta]

Adapted from a reader chat.

Dear Carolyn: Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit.

I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.”

I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children.

I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?

— Productive

Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?

Wow.

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.

Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?

Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.

You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?

Readers' thoughts:

· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.

· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.

· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.

· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.

There was an update: divorce. Read here.

There was another update: reconciliation. Read here.

Comments

[cimorene]

Nooooooo, girl don't do it!

[cimorene]

Okay, I read the update and admit she isn't making a huge mistake, he sounds like he's not a bad spouse now necessarily, etc. But I still think in principle she was kinder than he deserved.

[dissectionist]

I suspect she had some idea of where his glassbowlness was coming from; often others can see the ways someone is acting out of trauma better than the person involved can see it (particularly if this is the stage before the person involved realizes they even *have* trauma and the way that they were raised was abusive). “I’ll reconsider the divorce if you go to therapy” sounds a lot to me like someone who recognizes that the bad behavior comes from something that therapy can rectify.

I’m not saying trauma is an excuse for bad behavior, just that a lot of us are inclined to be kinder on people when we understand they’re being jerkbags because of pain rather than malice. And then the jerkbag needs to start working on healing in order for that kindness and compassion to continue.

[cereta]

Fortunately, he seems to know that she's kinder than he deserves. Part of the reason I posted this was just because it's nice to see someone actually growing, you know?

[julian]

I remember the original letter, I think. Haaaaaaaaaaaaated that dude. Glad he's gotten good therapy. Dubious it'll stick, necessarily, but the world is a wide and wondrous place, and I shall hope for them. Her in particular.

[minoanmiss]

*cosigns*

[oursin]

I see from one of the updates that in fact her work was much more draining and demanding than his, quite apart from his Unnecessary Macho Protestant Work Ethic attitude to downtime and curious standards of value - why are biographies that much better than fantasy novels? (chucks essays of Ursula Le Guin at him). And that she generally had a much healthier work/life balance sense.

But he'd sure internalised a lot of 'we are not here to enjoy ourselves' even when we're off the clock, sigh.

[melannen]

Can someone summarize the last update in a comment? For some reason it's behind the login wall for me (The first on isn't.)

[julian]

Basically: his parents died of COVID-19, she was supportive during that time, he went to therapy, his parents had been "productivity over all" types, and also did things like *throw out his piano because he was having too much fun with it*, eventually he got to a point where he and his wife wanted to try again, it is now working.

[melannen]

...okay that is more A Lot than I was expecting.

[laurajv]

posted the full text in my comment below

[laurajv]

The last update, since it's paywalled:

Hi, Carolyn: I’m the lawyer-husband who wrote in twice in 2020, first to complain that my wife wasn’t “productive” enough in connection with personal pursuits during the pandemic, and then to update you that after a brief stint of marriage counseling we decided to divorce. As my original question was re-run in the column recently, I wanted to offer a further update.

First of all, WOW, I was such a [glassbowl] back then and all the critical comments — from you and from readers — were 100 percent deserved. As it turns out, fate intervened: Shortly after my wife and I decided to divorce, my parents both contracted covid-19 and ended up passing away. We had a somewhat strained relationship, but it was still a time of extreme grief and regret, especially since this was pre-vaccines and I was not able to visit with them as they were declining, nor were we able to have much in the way of memorial services.

Despite the way I had treated her, my wife was completely there for me with unconditional support, and I asked her to reconsider the divorce. She agreed, but only if I promised to complete a course of individual therapy to figure out why I had been acting so mean and judgmental.
We uncovered a lot of issues from my childhood — notably that my parents equated not being the “best” with worthlessness. Even more so, they believed that life was something to be suffered through with grim determination, and that enjoying oneself was almost always inappropriate. For example, when I was 12, I woke up one day to find my beloved piano had been sold — because I was “having too much fun and treating it like a toy.” Similarly, I was forced to switch from soccer to track in high school because I wasn't good enough at soccer to be a starter, even though I loved being part of the team.

This all resulted in my being incredibly critical (and also jealous) of people who could simply find joy in things, hence my treatment of my wife, as well as a tendency to pursue activities I didn't even like that much due to a fear that I would otherwise be “bad.”

Intensive therapy helped immensely. Over the course of the next year, I repaired the relationship with my wife — an infinitely kind and forgiving person — and even got my career unstuck by switching to a different practice area that excites and energizes me.
I will certainly be making amends for years to come, but actually feel happy and hopeful now. I am just sorry I wasted so many years and caused so much pain in the process.
— “Productive” again


“Productive” again: I am weeping. What a horrific form of abuse you suffered. I have seen it before but not that intensely — mostly parents who feel it’s their job to “toughen up” their kids and show them, “Life is hard, get used to it,” instead of trusting that life will do that on its own and therefore a loving and supportive home is all they need to provide. So, wow. And thank you for this update, and I am so glad you’re in a better place now.

And credit where due, if you don't mind my redirecting your spotlight to give it: a round of applause for the person in the original chat who called it:
“I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.”
Thanks again, and be well.

[melannen]

Thank you!

[purlewe]

Also thank you. I am glad to see the full update.

[minoanmiss]

This does bring tears to my eyes. I really hope he has changed as profoundly as he needed to and awed at his wife's unstinting love. I want to believe in them!

[conuly]

I hope he's able to start the piano as a hobby again, join an adult soccer rec team, or otherwise do things he enjoys.

[sathari]

Thank you for posting the last update! This one is kind of amazing.

[feast_of_regrets]

If he'd read some fantasy novels somewhere along the way, maybe it wouldn't have taken divorce proceedings and two deaths to get him to unpack his abusive upbringing. (/s; I know plenty of sff jerks, but I couldn't help it)

[minoanmiss]

Ahahahhaha considering how some speculative fiction novels helped me unpack my particular abusive upbringing, I kind of agree.

[feast_of_regrets]

That's exactly where my brain was. Ruminating over stories has been so much more effective than most of the therapy I've gotten.

[princessofgeeks]

It's nice to see a happy ending.

[cereta]

I thought we could all use a little boost ;).

[sathari]

Yes, indeed! Thank you for posting this one, especially with the last update. *happysniff*