Harriette flubs it, as usual

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I know you usually talk to adults, but I need help. My parents are in the middle of getting of divorce, and it's been tough on the whole family, but it's for the best because their relationship hasn't been working for many years. I am 13 years old, and they told me that I need to pick who I want to live with for the majority of the year. They think it's best that I stay in one spot for school, and it can get exhausting to have to switch houses every week.

I agree with this, but I feel that when I choose one of my parents to live with, the other will feel offended or like I'm not on their side in the divorce. They have each been telling me that they won't be mad at me if I don't choose them, but I am still hesitant. The weight of the choice feels very heavy on me, and my parents have been pressuring me to decide soon. How do I make this choice without rocking the boat and creating more division in my family? -- Adult Decisions

DEAR ADULT DECISIONS: Divorce is hard on every family member, and there are no easy ways of figuring it out. While this is an adult decision, it was thoughtful of your parents to ask your opinion rather than force you to do something. You must believe that they are telling you the truth. Think about where you will be most comfortable and able to do your schoolwork, enjoy your friends and feel safe at home. Go for that option with the caveat that you can change if and when you want to stay with your other parent for longer stretches. You aren't leaving either of them behind, even though you will be living in different places.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2853987

Comments

[conuly]

As usual, Harriette misses the point.

The correct answer is not for the teen to suck it up, ignore their feelings, and make a choice. The correct answer is for the teen to bring this letter to their parents, and say "I know you thought that leaving the choice in my hands was the right thing to do, but you're putting a lot of pressure on me. I don't want to make this choice" and then either tell them to make the choice themselves or, if the parents are still going to be living in the same area, tell them that they'd rather try swapping back and forth on a weekly or monthly basis, even if it seems more difficult, and they can look at moving again in a year.

[angelofthenorth]

Holy parentification batman!


Giving choices like that to children doesn't end well. Yes it's nice to have a say, but the adults need to be adults.

[castiron]

So, I can see the parents offering the choice, because thirteen is in the murky border of old enough to have their wishes be a large consideration. Especially if they're going to be fourteen and starting high school soon; if both schools provided a good education and the teen had a preference, I'd want to accomodate that preference if possible.)

But it's okay that a thirteen-year-old isn't comfortable with this decision, and it's okay to tell their parents "I'd be fine either way and I don't want to look like I'm choosing between you; could you make this decision?" (A seventeen-year-old, now, I'd be more concerned about.)

[purlewe]

yeah I think that if the parents haven't heard a decision at this point they should be saying "ok no decision is also a decision. would you like us to make a plan for you?"

[dissectionist]

Write “Parent A: heads, Parent B: tails” on a note, then write the opposite on a second note. Put one note in each pocket and make absolutely certain you know which pocket contains which note.

Explain to your parents that this decision is too hard to make because you love them both, then flip a coin in front of your parents so they can see how it lands. Pull whichever note corresponds to the coin and the parent you want to live with, and show it to them. “Well, the coin is tails and I wrote down that Parent B is tails, so I’m living with Parent B then.” Now nobody can feel hurt, because (as far as they know) it was literally a coin flip.

[dissectionist]

Not saying this from personal experience (of course), but it’s always a good idea to eat or burn the other note afterward. If your parent happens to be dumping your wastebin and finds the backup note and realizes they were subject to a shenanigan, it’s… awkward.

[castiron]

Good warning, and genius idea.

[azurelunatic]

Yes. Or discard it at a neutral location like a grocery store, or make sure that the writing is completely covered with chewed gum.

Flushing it's a bad idea, as my country has seen in recent memory.

[dissectionist]

Oh no! What happened? (I’m not at all up-to-date on the news recently, and this sounds intriguing.)

[azurelunatic]

Fairly old news; when Trump was president he would flush post-its and that caused plumbing problems in the West Wing.

[dissectionist]

That is, as my kids would put it, “a real Trump moment.” Of course that dude was flushing so much paper that he clogged the pipes.

[sathari]

Ooooof. Okay. So. The question I have here is, how accurate is LW's perception that whichever parent they choose, the other one will feel slighted? I mean, I like dissectionist's idea as a practical matter, but... I also think it's going to be important going forward for LW to have a good read on the lay of the land between their parents as other such issues come up? Honestly, if there's one available, this is one I'd bounce to a therapist who's got some experience/expertise in helping kids navigate their parents' breakups, if only so there's someone onsite who can get a good read on just how well the parents are doing with not making their kid into a taffy-pull and help the kid navigate not just this particular question but the series of them that are going to come up over the next half-decade or so.

[lilysea]

And also: what to do if the non-custodial parent flounces and doesn't bother doing visits anymore.

I've seen lots of letters that go

Dad didn't get shared custody -> Dad stopped bothering to call or visit

[sathari]

Yeah, that definitely falls under variations on the taffy-pull problem--- how the parents are going to react to any of the dozens of choices LW will have to make about which parent to do what with.

[p_cocincinus]

Honestly I don't know that it's possible for the parent who doesn't get chosen not to feel slighted at least a little bit. No matter what the decision is, no matter how amicable the divorce is, no matter how much it makes logical sense, not getting chosen still hurts.

[sathari]

Yeah, the question is what it is that the LW is actually trying to avoid--- is it hurting a given parent's feelings, which is likely inevitable and shouldn't be on their kid to manage, or is it what one or both parents will do with whatever they feel as a result? (lilysea above gave one example of that.)