(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with an addict for a father that my mom enabled. There was physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. After years of therapy, I have done my best to raise my four kids in a stable, loving, and supportive home. I haven’t talked to my dad in over two decades but still talk to my mom daily. My mom and sisters never had therapy and feel like everything is “fine.” They are all single, live alone, work from home, and have no friends or social outlet. They are still stuck in the same dysfunctional roles from our childhood and the drama sometimes invades my life. I’ve tried to shield my kids from all the craziness and have mostly succeeded. However, my mom will sometimes scream/yell at me or my sisters in front of them.

We got into a big argument (away from my kids) after I asked her to stop yelling in front of my kids. The argument spiraled down to where I told her she could only see the kids after school on Wednesdays for a couple of hours so we don’t have to communicate regularly but she can still have a relationship with my kids, who she loves dearly and spoils. She came to my house today screaming that I’m “keeping her babies from her,” shoved me, and said every horrible thing she could think of.

My sisters are all on her side because they say I’m “playing games” by limiting her contact with the kids and just being “passive-aggressive” and trying to “control” her. In my mind, I’m just trying to stay sane. I never wanted to be a parent that uses their kid as a pawn or involves them in drama in any way. Am I playing games and being unfair by limiting my mom’s contact with my kids? If so, how can I be “fair” and do what’s best for my kids, but keep my sanity and not be subject to her emotional abuse? To be clear, she has never and would never hurt my kids. They love and adore her.

—Not an Intentional Game Player

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Oh, LW, yes, these are BIG RED FLAGS!

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I need an outside perspective on whether I’m kidding myself in my relationship. I’m a guy dating another guy, and it’s the best relationship of my life in so many ways. He’s smart, funny, thoughtful, and gorgeous. He’s also really possessive. I’ve caught him looking through my phone a few times (never finding anything, as there is nothing to find), and he gets edgy about my friendships with other queer men. He once threw my phone and broke it when I had changed the password. Most of my friends are women and straight guys, so it doesn’t come up often, but he’s gotten really angry and yelled at me over things like my gay male friend ending his texts to me with kisses or being “handsy” (my boyfriend’s inaccurate description) when we hug. My boyfriend says it’s not a matter of not trusting me so much as not trusting gay guys to not hit on me. To be fair, I do get hit on a lot in queer spaces, but it’s never been hard brushing them off, especially not with my ex-marine boyfriend next to me looking ready to kill them.

The problem is that I’m not sure I really mind? Like, I find this irritating and have snapped at him about it, but I mostly find it kind of flattering, if I’m honest. My previous boyfriends have treated me badly, and this is the first relationship where I’ve actually felt loved—it’s nice to have someone who is, in my boyfriend’s words, “crazy” about me. But a couple of my friends say it’s a huge red flag and have even implied he’s abusive or going to be abusive if I stay. I am 99 percent sure he would never hit me, and he’s never been physically aggressive with me. Can you advise on whether it sounds like I’m kidding myself, and this possessive behavior is a huge red flag that I should run from, or is there a midway point I’m missing where I could talk to him about this and get him to listen? I don’t want to break up (it’s been three years and we live together), but it worries me that I can’t describe his behavior to any of my friends without them looking horrified.

— Red Flag?

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(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I recently made some unflattering comments about my daughter-in-law to my son. They were recorded on their Ring doorbell. Now she's angry with me and my son, and I'm not sure I will ever see the grandchildren again. When I emailed her an apology, she said she didn't know if she could ever forgive me. She will see my husband, but I am not allowed over there if she will be around.

Any words of wisdom as to what to do? We have always helped them out with the children and sometimes financially. Should my husband tell her if I'm not welcome, then he feels the same way? I know he feels caught in the middle between me and the whole situation. -- MESSED UP IN ILLINOIS

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