agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I recently made some unflattering comments about my daughter-in-law to my son. They were recorded on their Ring doorbell. Now she's angry with me and my son, and I'm not sure I will ever see the grandchildren again. When I emailed her an apology, she said she didn't know if she could ever forgive me. She will see my husband, but I am not allowed over there if she will be around.

Any words of wisdom as to what to do? We have always helped them out with the children and sometimes financially. Should my husband tell her if I'm not welcome, then he feels the same way? I know he feels caught in the middle between me and the whole situation. -- MESSED UP IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MESSED UP: You have learned the hard way that in our technological society, privacy is history. I do not feel it would be helpful to threaten your son and daughter-in-law by withholding your husband from interacting with them and the grandkids. What you should do is apologize again to your daughter-in-law for your critical and unkind comments. Repeatedly, if necessary. Then hope she can find it in her heart to forgive you.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/07/31

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Abby, there's no expectation of privacy when you're making nasty comments about somebody else on their own property. That's not a legal principle, that's just basic common sense. Technology isn't at fault here, LW's total lack of class and brains is to blame.

And given that her reaction to all this is to try to manipulate her husband into manipulating her son, I don't blame DIL for holding the line against this woman!

Who was it who said more or less, "If you sound like the villain in a Reese Witherspoon movie maybe you should re-evaluate"?

What you should do is apologize again to your daughter-in-law for your critical and unkind comments. Repeatedly, if necessary.

This sounds like Abby might be recommending LW badger DIL with apologies. Bad idea. LW should apologize, sincerely, but should then give DIL some space. "Ever" is a long time, and DIL may find she is ready to accept an apology after the sting has worn off. She does not owe LW immediate forgiveness.

A sincere apology means feeling sorry. LW's only sorry she got caught - and even then, I think she blames DIL and Son for having a Ring doorbell.

Yep. Yes to an apology. No to badgering for forgiveness and 'everything's okay'.

I feel like I am in the passenger seat with the drunken idiot who is driving a truck through the plot hole in this story, and there are no seatbelts.

I'm wondering what MIL said. Was it something like "Son, your wife has really let herself go since you had kids" or "wow, your wife really comes from a trashy background"? Or was it more in the realm of "Son, DIL is an idiot for not wanting your children to get Covid vaccines"?

Granted, I think it's far more likely to be the former than the latter, and even if it were the latter LW shouldn't be surprised that DIL is offended. In either case, apologize for insulting DIL, then let it go.

(I'm also wondering about DIL being angry with Son as well as MIL. Is it because he didn't shut down MIL, or because he agreed with her?)

“Dear Abby, I trash talked my DIL to my son. Should I double down on the manipulation by forcing my husband to get involved on my side?”