Carolyn Hax: more shower stuff

[cereta]

Hi, Carolyn:

When I heard my niece was getting married, I decided to host a wedding shower for her. My mother has been ill, uses a wheelchair and may not be able to travel to the wedding. I thought it would be nice to have the party in my mom’s condo clubhouse so she could just wheel herself there. I planned a sit-down lunch, since it is difficult for her to talk to people who are standing up.

Due to the limited space, the guest list was quite small. It was approved by the bride and the bride's mom. I made the unfortunate decision to not invite cousins because there are so many of them.

When three of the guests asked me if they could bring their daughters — the bride's cousins — I said no.

Now none of the other side of the family will be attending. Everyone is mad at me, including my sister, the bride’s mom. While I set out to do something nice, I have instead caused a huge rift between the families. Is there anything I can do now to fix this?

— Party-Planning Failure

Party-Planning Failure: You are not a party-planning failure!

You are a party-defining failure. A party-explaining failure, at worst. Meaning, you failed to articulate this wasn’t meant to be THE shower, merely A shower, a small one, to allow your mother possibly her only chance to celebrate with her granddaughter. And maybe if you had communicated that effectively, then someone else in the bride’s orbit could have stepped in to plan a second, more inclusive event — protecting the tender thoughtfulness of your luncheon.

But here's the problem with leaving it at that: The three people who called to get their daughters included, which was a manners failure from the start, and then took “no” for an answer by pitching a classless, intergenerational, party-boycotting hissy fit? They're the true failures here, the ones first in line for correcting. (Your sister is behind them, for initially backing your plan and then withdrawing her support, it seems, when she saw it was unpopular.) All any of them had to do was show up as invited instead of trying to re-engineer someone else's party into one they liked better.

Even if we're talking about a super-tight family in which both excluding cousins and shutting up about it were absolutely unheard of, then there was still a better way: a discreet, open-minded inquiry into your reasoning for the abridged guest list, followed by, “Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry I doubted you,” and maybe — just maybe — an offer of a second event.

But here we are.

Because you're not the bride, existing instead a couple of circles out from the decision-making center, it's not for you to decide unilaterally how to fix this — assuming it's even fixable. The bride and your sister might just want this behind them so the embers can start to cool.

Do ask them, though, if they would like you to address a letter to all affected parties. Something like: “In planning the shower, I regret not making clear that my intentions were only to host a tiny event that would allow Mom to celebrate without feeling overwhelmed. The failure to communicate that is on me. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause a distraction for the bride at this exciting time. Thank you for reading this and I look forward to celebrating with everyone soon.”

Even the boycotters, if they deign to get over themselves.

Miss Manners: Restaurants and Birthdays

[cereta]

Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I went to a restaurant on my birthday. A sign at the door advertised a special reward when paying the bill if you were dining on your birthday. So, I mentioned to the waitress that it was my birthday, in anticipation of the reward.

When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant's choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.

I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn't like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.

I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I'm not very happy about it.

How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it's what they really want?

Miss Manners: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first — what they are doing is running a business.

Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.

Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute waitperson would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace — and not asking about the free pony ride.