Jan. 11th, 2022

purlewe: (Default)
[personal profile] purlewe
DEAR ABBY: My niece is getting married this spring, which has created a dilemma for my immediate family. When the save-the-date cards went out, she addressed them only to the women in the family. We thought it was a mistake at first, but now the invitations have arrived, and they are also addressed to the women only.

My husband and my son (her first cousin) feel slighted. My son's wife was invited, but she doesn't know the bride at all. It seems the bride has a limited number of guests she can invite for the venue. She also has a large number of friends and the groom's family attending.

Out of respect for my son and my husband -- and a son-in-law who was also excluded -- we all will respond that we will not attend. I feel terrible not being able to see my niece walk down the aisle, but I'm not used to my spouse being ignored. Am I doing the right thing? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PUZZLED: Before you refuse the wedding invitation, call your niece and ask if she is intentionally excluding the men. Because women make most of the social arrangements, she may not have realized that each guest's name must appear on the invitation. Rather than an attempt to exclude family members because their chromosomes are not the same as hers, this may simply have been an etiquette boo-boo.
ermingarden: medieval image of a bird with a tonsured human head and monastic hood (Default)
[personal profile] ermingarden
My only sibling, an older brother, is facing kidney issues and may need a donor. I dread receiving a call asking me to fill that role.

When we were quite young, he regularly beat me up, switching to emotional bullying when I was about 11. My parents never thought to intervene. As we got older, distance helped us eventually get along. But in our 50s, when I announced I was marrying, he bullied our mom into rewriting her will to ensure, should I predecease him, that my future stepson would not inherit any of the estate: He would get it all. When settling the estate some years later, he went after more than was justified and showed a marked lack of trust in me. I really don’t think any of his behavior was intentionally malicious — just what he felt he deserved or needed for his own safety. At that point I had enough and stopped interacting with him, except for birthday cards. I’ve politely laid out my feelings in a letter; he eventually acknowledged he may have made “some errors.” But that’s about it.

What’s my ethical responsibility? If it were one of my close cousins needing a kidney, I would most likely be fine with it. But for someone who has never been able to provide, undoubtedly because of his own childhood trauma(s), a “normal” brotherly relationship, I think this would raise old feelings of being his victim.
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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Annie: I am a 62-year-old Nana of two beautiful girls, ages 6 months and 3 years. My son and his wife live 2 1/2 hours away, so I visit them every six weeks or so. My daughter-in-law took extra precautions during the pandemic. She limited visitors, including her family, and I've been blessed to go into their home and help out between au pairs. We have a very nice relationship.

I've observed that Mom is often holding the baby while the au pair or Dad takes care of the 3-year-old. The toddler is naturally jealous of her sister and is acting out. She has not been in any structured day care and has had very minimal outside social interaction. At birth, the baby was in the neonatal intensive care unit for about a week. She is now doing beautifully. The toddler was breastfed even while Mom was pregnant.

I just came back from a recent visit. The 3-year-old had a miserable cold with a constant runny nose. Her parents would not allow me to wipe her nose. It was impossible to play with her, as she constantly had to run to Mom or Dad to get her nose wiped. I'm not allowed to change diapers either, and the 3-year-old is in diapers, too. When I was emptying the dishwasher, Mom told me not to bother, but I did continue, in a spirit of service. That evening, the toddler was not at her best, and she hit her sister in the face rather hard while she was being held by Daddy. I said firmly, in a slightly raised voice, "That is wrong; you cannot do that." Seven words, that's it. Mom came running to the scene, told me she has this. Mom spoke to the toddler in a kind voice, explaining it is never OK to hit her sister.

The next morning before I left, Mom said that, because she cares about me, she needs to talk about a couple of things. First, I shouldn't have continued to empty the dishwasher because now she needs to supervise where things go, and I didn't listen. Secondly, she doesn't want me saying any words of discipline to my grandchild. I agreed that transparency is good and brought up feeling not respected by not even being allowed to wipe the toddler's nose.

I do know Mom is in charge and Dad stands by her, but I feel that the toddler's coddling and isolation is not good for her social and emotional development. I did wipe a tear at the table after being told what not to do. -- Saddened Nana


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been having the same disagreement for nearly the entire 20 years we have been married. He likes having his family (anywhere from two to five people) stay overnight at our house for three to four days every year. I'm an introvert. I need some alone time, and I'd prefer they stay at a motel. He insists it would be inhospitable, even though we'd still spend 10 or 11 hours a day with them.

I do not like waking up to other people, family or not. He grew up in a large family, while I did not. He actually threatened me with divorce (I'm not sure if he was serious or if it was just a scare tactic, but it hurt) if I was going to make him tell his family they can't stay here. I am 58. I haven't worked in eight years and I have no skills. He knows this, so I feel I have no choice but to agree.

He says I'm being selfish since it's only once a year. I know I'm lucky. He provides well for us financially and is a wonderful husband except for this one obstacle, so I know I should just agree. But how do I get over my anxiety about this? -- DREADING IN TEXAS


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