(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am a 62-year-old Nana of two beautiful girls, ages 6 months and 3 years. My son and his wife live 2 1/2 hours away, so I visit them every six weeks or so. My daughter-in-law took extra precautions during the pandemic. She limited visitors, including her family, and I've been blessed to go into their home and help out between au pairs. We have a very nice relationship.

I've observed that Mom is often holding the baby while the au pair or Dad takes care of the 3-year-old. The toddler is naturally jealous of her sister and is acting out. She has not been in any structured day care and has had very minimal outside social interaction. At birth, the baby was in the neonatal intensive care unit for about a week. She is now doing beautifully. The toddler was breastfed even while Mom was pregnant.

I just came back from a recent visit. The 3-year-old had a miserable cold with a constant runny nose. Her parents would not allow me to wipe her nose. It was impossible to play with her, as she constantly had to run to Mom or Dad to get her nose wiped. I'm not allowed to change diapers either, and the 3-year-old is in diapers, too. When I was emptying the dishwasher, Mom told me not to bother, but I did continue, in a spirit of service. That evening, the toddler was not at her best, and she hit her sister in the face rather hard while she was being held by Daddy. I said firmly, in a slightly raised voice, "That is wrong; you cannot do that." Seven words, that's it. Mom came running to the scene, told me she has this. Mom spoke to the toddler in a kind voice, explaining it is never OK to hit her sister.

The next morning before I left, Mom said that, because she cares about me, she needs to talk about a couple of things. First, I shouldn't have continued to empty the dishwasher because now she needs to supervise where things go, and I didn't listen. Secondly, she doesn't want me saying any words of discipline to my grandchild. I agreed that transparency is good and brought up feeling not respected by not even being allowed to wipe the toddler's nose.

I do know Mom is in charge and Dad stands by her, but I feel that the toddler's coddling and isolation is not good for her social and emotional development. I did wipe a tear at the table after being told what not to do. -- Saddened Nana

Dear Saddened Nana: Your letter focuses on all the things that your daughter-in-law and son are doing wrong with their children. Instead of visiting them with a critical eye and finding all the faults in their parenting, try to visit with a loving heart and see all the things they are doing right. That your daughter-in-law communicated to you right away what bothered her is amazing and that you were able to tell her so was great. It sounds like you have a really nice relationship with them; now it's time to just start enjoying your time with them rather than fretting over why they didn't want you to wipe her runny nose.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2613173

Comments

[ambyr]

Even my mom, who goes obsessively in search of household chores to accomplish whenever she enters my home, knows better than to try to empty the dishwasher in an unfamiliar kitchen.

[jamoche]

I have my kitchen organized in the same general way as my mom did, and she *still* manages to find new and unusual places to put things.

[jamoche]

Gosh, I wonder why a toddler has had limited social interaction for at least 2/3rds of her life?

[conuly]

TOTAL MYSTERY!

But seriously, "no daycare" isn't even a wildly niche and bizarre decision among those families who can afford it.

[conuly]

The condescension just drips off this. Extended breastfeeding is not coddling. Choosing to keep a child home instead of doing daycare is not coddling, even when it isn't pandemic time. Having a three year old in diapers is not coddling. Saying "Don't hit your sister" in a "nice" way is not coddling. Holding a six month old child is not coddling. None of this is coddling except perhaps not allowing LW to wipe the kid's nose - and even then, that could be to protect LW instead of the children.

I don't know why, exactly, DIL doesn't want LW emptying the dishwasher, but my guess is LW doesn't put things away where they belong. It's not a "spirit of service" to do something you were told not to do when you're a guest in somebody's home, it's just pushy.

Notice, too, that whenever a parenting decision is made that LW disagrees with, this is proof that DIL is "in charge" and that her son just goes along with it. It can't be that he agrees with these decisions, oh no.

Secondly, she doesn't want me saying any words of discipline to my grandchild. I agreed that transparency is good and brought up feeling not respected by not even being allowed to wipe the toddler's nose.

What LW means is that she didn't like being told not to overstep, and she tried to change the subject to her hurt feelings rather than her bad behavior, because she thought that would be an argument she could win.

I do know Mom is in charge and Dad stands by her, but I feel that the toddler's coddling and isolation is not good for her social and emotional development. I did wipe a tear at the table after being told what not to do. -- Saddened Nana

LW performatively cried, and apparently doesn't see that she admits here that her problem isn't the fact that she's worried about the children, but that she's annoyed her son and DIL aren't deferring to her about their own children in their own home.

[shirou]

It's not the main point of the letter, but FWIW I strongly agree with LW that isolation is bad for children's social and emotional development. The pandemic is horrible, but parents need to find ways to balance protection from the virus with kids' other needs. Health is more than the absence of infection, although I probably wouldn't choose the omicron surge as the right moment to test new waters.

The DIL appears to have some pretty stringent and uncompromising boundaries. Why can't LW wipe a nose or change a diaper? Why was the dishwasher such a big deal DIL had to bring it up later? This is undoubtedly unpleasant for LW. I am not giving DIL a pass—she sounds like a difficult person—but there's nothing the LW can do about it.

There is something the LW can do about her own reaction. She can listen and do her best to acquiesce. Clearly she isn't doing that now: She continued to unload the dishwasher after being told explicitly to stop. Following DIL's rules is how LW can show she respects DIL's right to set rules for her home and children no matter how ridiculous the rules themselves might be. It's how she can earn DIL's trust.

I don't have much to say about LW's son (DIL's husband) because he is barely in the letter. His absence from the narrative raises questions.

[conuly]

It's not just Omicron. The baby was put in the icu at birth, and at six months, even if she's "doing beautifully" she likely still has some special health needs. Neither the baby nor the toddler is eligible for vaccination yet.

And honestly, given the sketchiness of the details, it's not really clear if the toddler IS being socially isolated by any reasonable definition. "Very minimal outside social interaction" is a weasel phrase that could mean anything. It definitely doesn't mean "none", though, or LW would've said that.

[laurajv]

I'm not sure the DIL is being particularly stringent or difficult.

The LW includes _breastfeeding a toddler_ as an example of coddling a child (or else...she just included it for no reason, but I'm voting with the first). That's weird. That's just....weird. The LW wants to interact with a toddler on HER terms, not the toddler's. ALSO weird. I don't trust anything the LW says about her DIL at this point.

[conuly]

Feeding a toddler and holding a baby.

this is not useful

[julian]

"I did wipe a tear..."

Oh, go *away*.

[xenacryst]

I'll bet while you were at the table you also ate a very large helping of stale Missing Reasons. Get lost.

[laurajv]

Right? This is weird. It's WEIRD.

[harpers_child]

Having recently had the joy of caring for a toddler with a runny nose, I'm going to say toddler said something to mom and dad about Nana wiping their nose too hard or too much. There's a limit to how often you can wipe a nose on a small child. Sometimes they just have snotty noses and you make sure those toys get wiped down when the kid is done with them.