agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been having the same disagreement for nearly the entire 20 years we have been married. He likes having his family (anywhere from two to five people) stay overnight at our house for three to four days every year. I'm an introvert. I need some alone time, and I'd prefer they stay at a motel. He insists it would be inhospitable, even though we'd still spend 10 or 11 hours a day with them.

I do not like waking up to other people, family or not. He grew up in a large family, while I did not. He actually threatened me with divorce (I'm not sure if he was serious or if it was just a scare tactic, but it hurt) if I was going to make him tell his family they can't stay here. I am 58. I haven't worked in eight years and I have no skills. He knows this, so I feel I have no choice but to agree.

He says I'm being selfish since it's only once a year. I know I'm lucky. He provides well for us financially and is a wonderful husband except for this one obstacle, so I know I should just agree. But how do I get over my anxiety about this? -- DREADING IN TEXAS

DEAR DREADING: The most effective way to deal with an anxiety issue is to talk about it with a licensed psychotherapist. Because your husband provides well for you financially, you can afford to consult one. If you do, it may help you learn how to get moments of alone time in which to recharge while the relatives are there.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2613111

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Normally I'd say that although Husband is wrong, it's not "inhospitable" to direct visiting family members to a hotel, half a week a year is not worth fighting over and LW ought to concede.

But Husband is pulling out the divorce card over this? Even if it's in a "joking" way, LW clearly thinks it might be plausible. That's not cool.

LW needs therapy, not to learn how to cope with Husband's intrusive family, but to learn how to assert herself and prepare for the day she leaves. While she's getting the therapy, she also should be getting a brush-up on her skills - and perhaps her own hotel room during these little yearly visits.

I was thinking that she should get her own hotel room for the visits. But yes, all these other things as well.

I wish I could mail your advice to LW and deposit whatever Abby got paid in your account.

The response to "my husband is using the fact I'm financially dependent on him to threaten me into agreeing with him" being "because your husband provides well for you financially, you can afford to consult [a therapist]" is just............... eurgh. ALL the eurgh. not great.

Husband should not threaten divorce when he's mad; LW should be able to handle his family staying over 3-4 nights per year; one can still have alone time when one has house guests (10-11 hr/day!?).

There are couples who joke about divorce. Generally, that is supposed to be a mutual joke where both parties (and their dependents, if any) are laughing. If it's a joke, it's not a funny one.

I am kind of with the husband here - I don't think 3-4 days a year is too much to ask for and presumably the OP can leave the house for some time alone if she feels the need.

I'm on the fence about the "threatening divorce" thing - it's possible that he was using this to bully the OP but it's also possible that's just how he feels. Honestly, if my husband wanted me to tell my parents that they weren't ever welcome to stay at our house, I would probably say (because it is how I would feel) that this was making me consider divorce. I also think it's a bit cheeky that the OP wants her husband to tell his family that they can't stay when it's her who feels this way.

Lastly, I just wanted to note that if the genders were reversed here, a lot of people would say that a man who wanted his wife to tell her family they weren't welcome in their home was controlling and I get a bit of a whiff of that here

Threatening divorce is a heck of an ultimatum. Also, "reversing the genders" doesn't map precisely because we don't have equivalent status in society, even if we should. It especially doesn't work in this specific case where the LW is financially dependent on her husband, so what he's really threatening her with is penury.

(I actually would recommend that she agree to let her husband's family stay over, since it's less than a week, and I say this as an introvert. But I don't think her wanting to refuse justifies the husband's threats.)

I also think it's a bit cheeky that the OP wants her husband to tell his family that they can't stay when it's her who feels this way.

They're his family, which means it's his job to manage them. And to break the news that they're staying in a hotel, not at the host's house.

I would generally agree it is for him to manage his family but if it's a decision she has made, she needs to own it in my view