Dear Prudence: Moving into a McMansion Neighborhood

[la_dissonance]

Q: My husband and I are moving to the city where one of my dearest friends lives. She really wants us to move to her neighborhood (“You can walk over for barbecues! Go on morning runs together!”). I love the idea of being close, except I hate her neighborhood. It’s a bunch of huge McMansions with things like fake turrets and nonsensical designs. I get why she and her husband chose it—there’s lots of space for their big family—but you couldn’t pay me to live there. On paper, though, it makes a lot of sense: It’s close to my work, in my price range, etc., so my friend doesn’t seem to catch on to my polite demurrals (“That might be a little too much house for us” or “We’re looking in a lot of neighborhoods.”) What can I tell her besides “your house is hideous”?
—Hideous House

A: Unless she’s calling you every day and going through all the listings in her neighborhood, I think it’s fine to keep offering her polite-yet-accurate demurrals until you eventually find a house elsewhere. There’s a natural expiration date to this conversation, and that will be when you move into a house in a different neighborhood. In the meantime, you can stress how great it is that you two will finally be living in the same city. If you absolutely can’t stand her gentle but insistent questions, then pick a household feature or two you know her neighborhood can’t provide that are absolute necessities for you and tell her: “We’re looking for something with less than 2,000 square feet, and [your neighborhood] just doesn’t fit the bill. Tell me what you think of these two houses we’ve been looking at.”

(Original column)

Ask Amy: Husband Needs to Call Family Meeting

[cereta]

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 25 years. In most respects we continue to have a very solid relationship. We enjoy talking and doing things together, and we have a lot in common.

We have been semi-retired for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together.

If there is one challenge that never seems to resolve itself, however, it is my wife's claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says.

She stores away every instance of my "failures" in this area, so that each time I miss or forget something she has said, she becomes frustrated and upset.

These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling. This happens every few weeks.

In my view, considering how much time we spend together, these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration, which then spills over.

I have apologized often, but have also told her that I am human and am going to forget things on occasion or misinterpret what she says.

She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her.

I feel I am under a microscope and that she is growing intolerant to the point that it poses a threat to the marriage. She insists that there is no other underlying grievance involved.

I would like to try to improve things before recommending marriage counseling. Any advice?

-- Caring Husband

Dear Caring: Holding onto grievances is a terrible habit, in part because your wife's feelings and outbursts then become the focus of your communication. If she wants you to continue to work on controlling or changing your own habits, she should work on her own.

You two should have regular family meetings where you review household matters. Even though you see one another all the time, sitting down with intention will be good for your relationship.

Always close these meetings the way a good journalist closes an important interview: "Is there anything important we haven't discussed? Is there anything more you'd like to tell me?"

And before you two part, look her in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm flawed. I make mistakes. But I appreciate you." Does she deserve this response? Maybe not. But do it anyway.

Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.