Inlaws and not inlaws

[conuly]

1. Dear Eric: In 2020, my now-wife and I were engaged. My mother is a nurse and has asthma and was deeply hit with mental and emotional stress from the pandemic. She would not attend most wedding planning events and would always be concerned with germs, wearing an N95 mask and keeping her distance.

My wife had a completely opposite reaction to the pandemic. It was more of a nuisance to her. In her eyes, there was no threat. My wife began to develop a feeling of abandonment from someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She opened up to me about how much she was hurt, and I told her it wasn't my mother's fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.

My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were sent by my wife and my mother just shut down the relationship and blocked her.mMy wedding was in October 2021. My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry about her presence.

My wife and I are still fighting occasionally about this issue, and the spats are becoming increasingly more intense. She still says extremely hurtful things about my mother often. My mother’s mindset was extreme but considering her working at a nursing home and having asthma, it’s totally understandable. That isn’t believable, according to my wife.

I am writing for guidance to understand how to solve this mess. Was I in the wrong for how I initially reacted toward my wife? I just don’t want this to destroy my marriage.

– Hurting Husband and Son

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2. Dear Eric: Our son and his girlfriend of 24 years got married by a judge. It was a civil ceremony necessary to get him on her health insurance.

He approached my wife and me and said, "we're not into social media.” I did not glean from this that he meant we should post nothing at all. To share the good news with my friends, I did post one photo. Late the next night he texted us to take it down, saying "we asked you directly not to do this." I replied, I'm sorry, I didn't understand that I was not to post anything at all.

I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends. Many are longtime friends from church who have known my son for decades. It seems to me a little pushy for him to forbid me to share with my friends what I feel is good news. He seems to want to downplay it.

Should I not have made the post and leaned more toward caution? Should I have interpreted "we're not into social media" differently? I welcome your advice about how to perceive this situation and where to go from here.

– Deleted Post

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3. Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)

Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.

Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family. When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.

Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.

– Sharing Holidays

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