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Dear Meghan: I have two grown sons. The younger is 34 and recently accused me of controlling and ruining his life because I encouraged him to pursue a postgrad law-related degree.
He claims since graduating with a BA, I had been harassing him. I suggested and encouraged him continue his education while he’s still young. And I offered to pick up half the tab. He was the one who decided to start the postgrad program, and now I suppose the curriculum is kind of overwhelming him and he’s out for blood. Mine.
I tried to reason with him by saying as a parent, I have a right to encourage my children. It initially made me angry, and I responded with equally mean comments. What’s my next move?
— Postgrad Son
Postgrad Son: Thank you for writing in; it is amazing how parenting never ends, isn’t it? While your son is certainly grown, there are some important lessons in your letter for every parent reading right now, and one of those lessons comes from Samuel Johnson: “Sir, hell is paved with good intentions.” Many a parent-child relationship has been set askew by a parental “right to encourage.”
Your son is old enough to be a father himself. While maturity doesn’t always come with age, the responsibility for one’s own actions, thoughts and beliefs does. Blaming you outright for his misery may have some truth in it, but it is also true that he needs to own his decisions. Saying any of this to him may not yield good results (you mention his anger), but it is a point of truth.
While he is old enough to be responsible for his own decisions, we also know resentments have no expiration date. People, young and old, carry long and well-earned grudges for years and years, dragging them like lodestones. And because emotions aren’t right or wrong, a child’s perception of how they were treated isn’t to be argued with. Your son says you controlled and ruined his life and, from where he is sitting, this feels true to him. What seemed like suggestions and encouragements and offerings from you became expectations and one-way conversations.
What I don’t know is to what extent he told you about how he felt or what he wanted. Did you suggest continuing with school and he shrugged and said, “okay,” or did he hedge? Was he quietly apathetic, or did he try to say he wasn’t interested? It would be easy to blame you as pushy and demanding, but I don’t know his side of it! In either case, crucial cues were missed.
Whether your son is 34 or 24 or 14, when our children want to blame us for their decisions, your first and best move is to listen. In person is ideal, otherwise hop on a video call so you can see each other’s faces and simply say: “I’ve already said some things that didn’t help our communication, and I don’t want to do that again. You’re really angry with me. Tell me what’s going on; I’m here to listen.” This doesn’t mean they can unload on you, call you names or disrespect you, but it is okay to listen and not argue. It’s clear you’re both hurt, so resist trying to “reason with him” as that tends to feel dismissive and make emotions higher.
Instead, focus on repeating back to him what he said so you can reflect that you’re understanding. “So, you’re saying you never wanted the postgrad degree, but you felt cornered by me?” When any human feels heard and understood, their emotions tend to come down, and it is more likely that good communication can take place. You may get annoyed or feel defensive, so look at these conversations as a series rather than a “one and done.” It’s okay to decide to meet again in a couple of days to continue the conversation.
Finally, the tone of this letter leads me to believe you have been pushy with this son, and you truly believe you know best. I would strongly encourage you to reflect on how you’ve been communicating with this son throughout his life, not just about schooling.
Your value around having the “right” to encourage your children (which could read as bossiness, judgment and harassment to your son) needs to be reassessed because it’s not working. There is a defensiveness in your letter that is hard to ignore. As long as you cling to being right, you and your son won’t connect on this issue, and the pain will continue to divide you. Good luck.
Link
He claims since graduating with a BA, I had been harassing him. I suggested and encouraged him continue his education while he’s still young. And I offered to pick up half the tab. He was the one who decided to start the postgrad program, and now I suppose the curriculum is kind of overwhelming him and he’s out for blood. Mine.
I tried to reason with him by saying as a parent, I have a right to encourage my children. It initially made me angry, and I responded with equally mean comments. What’s my next move?
— Postgrad Son
Postgrad Son: Thank you for writing in; it is amazing how parenting never ends, isn’t it? While your son is certainly grown, there are some important lessons in your letter for every parent reading right now, and one of those lessons comes from Samuel Johnson: “Sir, hell is paved with good intentions.” Many a parent-child relationship has been set askew by a parental “right to encourage.”
Your son is old enough to be a father himself. While maturity doesn’t always come with age, the responsibility for one’s own actions, thoughts and beliefs does. Blaming you outright for his misery may have some truth in it, but it is also true that he needs to own his decisions. Saying any of this to him may not yield good results (you mention his anger), but it is a point of truth.
While he is old enough to be responsible for his own decisions, we also know resentments have no expiration date. People, young and old, carry long and well-earned grudges for years and years, dragging them like lodestones. And because emotions aren’t right or wrong, a child’s perception of how they were treated isn’t to be argued with. Your son says you controlled and ruined his life and, from where he is sitting, this feels true to him. What seemed like suggestions and encouragements and offerings from you became expectations and one-way conversations.
What I don’t know is to what extent he told you about how he felt or what he wanted. Did you suggest continuing with school and he shrugged and said, “okay,” or did he hedge? Was he quietly apathetic, or did he try to say he wasn’t interested? It would be easy to blame you as pushy and demanding, but I don’t know his side of it! In either case, crucial cues were missed.
Whether your son is 34 or 24 or 14, when our children want to blame us for their decisions, your first and best move is to listen. In person is ideal, otherwise hop on a video call so you can see each other’s faces and simply say: “I’ve already said some things that didn’t help our communication, and I don’t want to do that again. You’re really angry with me. Tell me what’s going on; I’m here to listen.” This doesn’t mean they can unload on you, call you names or disrespect you, but it is okay to listen and not argue. It’s clear you’re both hurt, so resist trying to “reason with him” as that tends to feel dismissive and make emotions higher.
Instead, focus on repeating back to him what he said so you can reflect that you’re understanding. “So, you’re saying you never wanted the postgrad degree, but you felt cornered by me?” When any human feels heard and understood, their emotions tend to come down, and it is more likely that good communication can take place. You may get annoyed or feel defensive, so look at these conversations as a series rather than a “one and done.” It’s okay to decide to meet again in a couple of days to continue the conversation.
Finally, the tone of this letter leads me to believe you have been pushy with this son, and you truly believe you know best. I would strongly encourage you to reflect on how you’ve been communicating with this son throughout his life, not just about schooling.
Your value around having the “right” to encourage your children (which could read as bossiness, judgment and harassment to your son) needs to be reassessed because it’s not working. There is a defensiveness in your letter that is hard to ignore. As long as you cling to being right, you and your son won’t connect on this issue, and the pain will continue to divide you. Good luck.
Link