Two letters about much younger siblings, from two perspectives

[conuly]

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister who is 20 years younger than I am. I’m 30, and she’s only 10 years old. Because of this huge age gap, we’ve never really had a chance to bond or develop a close relationship. While I love her dearly, every time it’s just the two of us, the conversation feels forced and awkward. I don't think either of us is necessarily to blame. She's so much younger, and we’re at completely different stages in life, but it leaves me feeling sad and disconnected.

I go to visit her and my parents often so that we have plenty of opportunities to become closer, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the kind of sibling bond I’ve seen other people enjoy with their brothers or sisters. I want to find ways to relate to her better and make her feel comfortable around me, but I don’t know where to start. She’s my only sibling, and the thought of us not being close upsets me. How can I help us become closer in our relationship so that we have a stronger bond in the future? -- Sibling Disconnect

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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an aunt since I was 9 years old. I am 29 now, the youngest of five sisters and an aunt to 11 nieces and nephews. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the default babysitter. I live at home with my mom, which seems to be a prime location for all of my sisters when they need parental relief. Sometimes they show up unannounced or with short notice and simply tell me they need someone to watch their children for a few hours -- or sometimes overnight. I think because I do not currently have a partner or children, they assume I am always home or available. If I tell them otherwise, they ask if my social engagements are as important as my nieces or nephews. I don’t like that they always expect me to cancel plans at their behest, but I’m not allowed to expect them to plan ahead.

Lately, I’ve been saying no more often. Even when I am free, I’d prefer to be alone. I’ve noticed that sometimes they plan outings without me and say, “we thought you wanted to be alone.” I’ve tried explaining to them, for years now, that all my free time being dedicated to child care is overwhelming -- especially when I am not yet an actual mother -- but they tell me I’m insensitive and say I’ll understand how they feel when my time comes. I think this dynamic has pushed me to be defensive with my siblings and not as joyous with my nieces and nephews. I want all these relationships to be more amicable, and I want my sisters to understand my boundaries. How do I get them to see my side? -- Tired Auntie

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(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have worked hard all my life. I started and built a well-respected retail furniture business, which has grown to seven showrooms in two states. When my children were grown, I helped each of them get a start in life. They are all successful and have grown children of their own.

I love all my grandchildren. Of the five of them, four are college graduates and two have come into the business. Along with their father, my son, they are taking what I started and growing it. I couldn’t be prouder. There is one of my grandchildren, though, my only granddaughter, who has gone on to break her parents’ and my hearts.

In her senior year of high school she started playing around with drugs because that is what her boyfriend was doing. She became hooked on heroine and has been in and out of rehab at least four times in as many years. The creep who got her started pops in and out of her life and they have a baby who lives with my daughter and her husband. There is a custody court battle gearing up and the whole situation is a nightmare.

When I told my daughter and son-in-law that I intend to take my granddaughter out of my will, they were shocked. My daughter said I was giving up on their little girl, who was trying to get her life together. I told her I sure as hell do not want two drug addicts getting their hands on a sizeable amount of money. We all know what they will do with it, and I am doing everyone a favor by keeping the money away from her so long as she is unable to stay clean.

My daughter calls me heartless. Am I? She doesn’t think I am so bad when I am paying for my granddaughter’s rehab stints, and I am not unwilling to pay for more, if there’s a decent chance it will get her clean once and for all. --- FOR HER OWN GOOD

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Dear Prudence: A DNA test upended my identity

[cereta]

Source.

Dear Prudence,

I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.

My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.

Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?

—Problematic President

Dear President,

What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.

Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.

I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.