agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have worked hard all my life. I started and built a well-respected retail furniture business, which has grown to seven showrooms in two states. When my children were grown, I helped each of them get a start in life. They are all successful and have grown children of their own.

I love all my grandchildren. Of the five of them, four are college graduates and two have come into the business. Along with their father, my son, they are taking what I started and growing it. I couldn’t be prouder. There is one of my grandchildren, though, my only granddaughter, who has gone on to break her parents’ and my hearts.

In her senior year of high school she started playing around with drugs because that is what her boyfriend was doing. She became hooked on heroine and has been in and out of rehab at least four times in as many years. The creep who got her started pops in and out of her life and they have a baby who lives with my daughter and her husband. There is a custody court battle gearing up and the whole situation is a nightmare.

When I told my daughter and son-in-law that I intend to take my granddaughter out of my will, they were shocked. My daughter said I was giving up on their little girl, who was trying to get her life together. I told her I sure as hell do not want two drug addicts getting their hands on a sizeable amount of money. We all know what they will do with it, and I am doing everyone a favor by keeping the money away from her so long as she is unable to stay clean.

My daughter calls me heartless. Am I? She doesn’t think I am so bad when I am paying for my granddaughter’s rehab stints, and I am not unwilling to pay for more, if there’s a decent chance it will get her clean once and for all. --- FOR HER OWN GOOD

DEAR FOR HER OWN GOOD: I agree with you that handing over a windfall of cash to an addict could be catastrophic.

I believe you should consider seeing if your attorney or estate planner can propose some way to protect the inheritance that you had earmarked for your granddaughter so that it can be managed by someone other than her. There may be a way to direct that funds only be used to allow your granddaughter to seek legitimate treatment.

Ultimately the decision to include or exclude your granddaughter from your will is yours to make, but if a compromise between all or nothing can be reached, it’ll potentially help keep peace in the family and provide a way for you to continue to support your granddaughter’s recovery attempts after you’re gone should they still be necessary.

Link

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, obviously LW should not leave a large lump sum to GD. Indeed, if GD has a family of enablers I'd advise LW not to leave a large lump sum to any of them - decide who inherits, put that money into trusts that are set up to only pay out for specific expenses such as education or the utility bills. This may also be a possibility for GD if LW would like to leave her money but only is worried about how it will be spent.

This is not ideal, none of it is, but it's better to have a reputation as a micromanager and a control freak than to continue to enable a drug addiction after your death.

With that said, I'm not loving how LW allots blame here. GD's partner is not solely responsible for her addiction, I'm sorry, but no. She did not simply start taking drugs to hang out with her boyfriend and then keep taking them for that reason. LW could benefit from a support group for relatives of people with drug addiction. It's entirely possible GD could benefit from medical assistance in quitting drugs - American rehabs are mostly not set up to do this, which is part of why people go in and out of rehab like it's got a damn revolving door.

A trust came to mind as a good option immediately. +100 to the rest too

Wow. Has LW never heard of trusts? Where a trustee manages the money on the granddaughter's behalf, and according to LW's instructions laid out in the will? LW should not only talk to his attorney/estate planner, but maybe also a qualified drug addictions expert who can give him some accurate insight about substance use disorders.

I was surprised that a trust was not mentioned.

LW should’ve written to Pay Dirt.

Maybe I am fundamentally misunderstanding estate planning here, ianal etc. But LW, you say you don't want to leave the money to LW "as long as she is unable to stay clean". Are you planning to die in the next few months? Why are you so sure your grandkid won't be clean by the time the will goes into effect?

It's absolutely possible to leave her money on the condition she's been clean a certain length of time; it's absolutely possible to leave her money in trust that she can only access directly if she's been clean a certain length of time; it's absolutely possible to leave her share of money directly to her kid(s), to be controlled by their legal guardians (or by trustees you chose) until the kids are 18, thus keeping it out of her hands unless she's truly turned her life around.

It's not necessary to announce any of those things to your kids right now, either, unless your death is imminent. (If you were just given three months to live and there may not be time to set up a trust, ignore all of the above.) If you do need to talk about it with your heirs now - if they're constantly talking to you about what they're going to do with the money once you're dead - with the kind of wealth you're implying it might make the most sense to set up a family trust *now*, to get everything out in the open about your plans, stop them counting down to your death, and make things much simpler when they do inherit.

But it almost sounds, LW, like this is less about rational estate planning for the future, and more about you wanting to punish or shame your most vulnerable grandchild right now, and that's helping nobody (your estate planning least of all.) I promise you that giving grandchild *less* hope for a better future will not help them break the habit.

Talk to an estate planner about your hopes and fears instead of coming to them with a plan you've decided on; this absolutely won't be the first time they've advised somebody with a beloved heir with a drug problem, and then you can go back to your daughter with a better grasp of your options and legal advice backing you up.

Yes, it should be possible to set up a trust

that will pay out X dollars every month, in exchange for receiving a recent clean drug test from a reputable drug test provider every month

eg if granddaughter fails the drug test in January, she gets no money in January

but if she has a clean drug test in February, she gets money in February

if she fails in March, she gets no money in March

but if she has a clean drug test in April, she gets money in April

Yeah, or even one that gives her enough for rent and grocery money every month, and emergency/treatment money with permission of the trustees, but no more than that until she can prove she's been clean for X years, after which she gets full control of the trust.

I guess even being flat broke has its good side.

LW, could you perhaps use your granddaughter's portion of inheritance to get her into a good treatment program now?

I've got family members with various kinds of addictions. Treatment is expensive. Good treatment is very very expensive.