Two letters from one PayDirt column

[conuly]

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1. Dear Pay Dirt,

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.
Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?

—Memorial Muddle

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2. Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m struggling with money and the parents of my child’s friends. My middle school-aged child is kind and engaging and has lots of friends who spend a lot of time at our home. I have spent several thousand dollars feeding these guests over the summer. (Not snacks, meals.) I ask myself when they leave home in the morning, and their parents have not given them any money, who do their parents think is feeding their children night after night after night?

Most of the hanging out happens at our house. Occasionally, my child will go to one of their homes. I don’t think they have ever been given more than a bag of potato chips by another parent. My child always texts to see if I can send money to buy dinner. I’ve never met any of their parents. These kids have to take buses to get here so it’s not like they can go home, eat, and come back, even if their parents were home to feed them.

I wish I were one of those people who loves to wine and dine the multitudes, but I hate to cook, and I don’t have a lot of money. I’m ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I wonder how I can feed my child dinner without feeding everybody else. Any advice is welcome!

—Not Proud of Feeling Stingy

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WTF is this person's problem!?

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been feeling concerned about my teenage daughter lately. She's started spending time with a new group of friends who are really into extreme sports like skateboarding and parkour. This is a big shift from the activities we've always encouraged, such as volunteering and participating in community events. Last night she mentioned planning a parkour session at an old factory, and it made me uneasy. I'm worried about the risks involved and how this new interest might pull her away from the values we've worked hard to instill. I know that today's generation seems to have different sensitivities compared to ours, and I'm reluctant to simply forbid her from pursuing her interests. I want to discuss my concerns with her, but I'm not sure how to approach the conversation without pushing her away. How can I express my worries while remaining supportive and keeping our lines of communication open? -- Concerned Parent

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