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Two letters from the same column
Jun. 28th, 2024 01:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I welcomed our second child, a daughter, into the world two months ago, but the help we were promised from my mother-in-law has yet to arrive. When our first—our son—was born, it was during COVID lockdown, so we neither wanted nor received any help besides a few days’ worth of meals. The process of raising a newborn in isolation was stressful, as was dealing with being laid off during my parental leave. We decided that having a second child would require more help from our families, specifically my MIL. Only my dad, stepmom, and my MIL are nearby—my mom and my wife’s dad both live on the other side of the country. My dad is frail and anxious and not really fit to watch the kids, and my stepmom still works and doesn’t have a lot of time to help out. My MIL is recently retired and has grandma experience from our kids’ older cousin. But despite her promises that she would be here for us after our daughter was born, she hasn’t followed through.
I had to go back to work two weeks after the birth. My MIL and I worked out a schedule where she would come over on the two nights a week when I work later than our son’s bedtime so that my wife doesn’t have to deal with both kids alone. Instead, my MIL comes over one night a week, and not every week. She refuses to learn our bedtime routine and berates our son over his eating habits and his delaying tactics when it comes to using the potty and going to bed—he’s 3 years old, but she expects him to behave like his 5-year-old cousin. And that’s when she even agrees to come to our house at all. Most of the time, she won’t “help” unless it’s on her terms, like inviting the kids to her house for dinner instead. That might be fine (though again, it’s my wife who has to load up the car and drive over, since I’m at work), except my MIL won’t baby- or toddler-proof her house. She leaves out obvious choking hazards, won’t crate or otherwise lock up her large and aggressive dog, and doesn’t do a thorough job of cleaning. We were all over there for my wife’s birthday party a few weeks ago, and my son found and drank from a milk cup that had been left under an end table in the living room for several days. When we’ve brought up these issues, gently and with care not to offend, she’s brushed off our concerns and then suggested having our oldest for an overnight with his cousin, who she babysits in order to give their parents (my wife’s brother and his partner) at least one night off every week. She proactively volunteers to take our nibling on multiple nights, but has repeatedly double-booked herself when she was supposed to be watching our son. She even double-booked herself for his birthday party.
If it isn’t clear yet, I’m pretty much prepared to write my MIL off when it comes to any kind of help. But this whole experience has been emotionally crushing for my wife. She grew up as the only girl with three brothers, two of whom were significantly younger than her, and my MIL relied on her to handle a lot of parenting duties. I think she expected that effort would be repaid when she had kids of her own, not that her own mother would respond with borderline flippant disinterest in helping out. All this has left my wife in tears on more than one occasion. I wish I could help more directly, but we need the money from my job, which requires me to work two nights a week. Unfortunately, it doesn’t pay well enough for us to afford a babysitter. Do you have any insight into what I can do to support my wife as we navigate this situation? Is there any hope of breaking through to my MIL? Or are we being too picky?
—Helpless Dad
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
How do I stop feeling so upset by my kids’ age-appropriate jabs and barbs? I have a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old and out in the world I know they’re kind, compassionate, sensitive people. However, they think absolutely nothing of telling me everything that’s wrong with me at any given moment, and comparing me to other adults who are better in some way. Apparently, I am no fun (but Daddy is), I’m too strict (but so and so’s mom isn’t), I overreact to everything, my clothes are ugly and my hair looks bad. I get that this is all very normal, but I really hate it, especially because I’m busting my butt 24/7 managing all their needs. I cried on Mother’s Day because no one even made me a card, and then that was another example of me overreacting. I’ve watched all the sitcoms and read all the blogs; I know part of having teens and tweens is suffering through their disdain. How do I make it feel less bad?
—Not So Modern Family
( Read more... )
Link
My wife and I welcomed our second child, a daughter, into the world two months ago, but the help we were promised from my mother-in-law has yet to arrive. When our first—our son—was born, it was during COVID lockdown, so we neither wanted nor received any help besides a few days’ worth of meals. The process of raising a newborn in isolation was stressful, as was dealing with being laid off during my parental leave. We decided that having a second child would require more help from our families, specifically my MIL. Only my dad, stepmom, and my MIL are nearby—my mom and my wife’s dad both live on the other side of the country. My dad is frail and anxious and not really fit to watch the kids, and my stepmom still works and doesn’t have a lot of time to help out. My MIL is recently retired and has grandma experience from our kids’ older cousin. But despite her promises that she would be here for us after our daughter was born, she hasn’t followed through.
I had to go back to work two weeks after the birth. My MIL and I worked out a schedule where she would come over on the two nights a week when I work later than our son’s bedtime so that my wife doesn’t have to deal with both kids alone. Instead, my MIL comes over one night a week, and not every week. She refuses to learn our bedtime routine and berates our son over his eating habits and his delaying tactics when it comes to using the potty and going to bed—he’s 3 years old, but she expects him to behave like his 5-year-old cousin. And that’s when she even agrees to come to our house at all. Most of the time, she won’t “help” unless it’s on her terms, like inviting the kids to her house for dinner instead. That might be fine (though again, it’s my wife who has to load up the car and drive over, since I’m at work), except my MIL won’t baby- or toddler-proof her house. She leaves out obvious choking hazards, won’t crate or otherwise lock up her large and aggressive dog, and doesn’t do a thorough job of cleaning. We were all over there for my wife’s birthday party a few weeks ago, and my son found and drank from a milk cup that had been left under an end table in the living room for several days. When we’ve brought up these issues, gently and with care not to offend, she’s brushed off our concerns and then suggested having our oldest for an overnight with his cousin, who she babysits in order to give their parents (my wife’s brother and his partner) at least one night off every week. She proactively volunteers to take our nibling on multiple nights, but has repeatedly double-booked herself when she was supposed to be watching our son. She even double-booked herself for his birthday party.
If it isn’t clear yet, I’m pretty much prepared to write my MIL off when it comes to any kind of help. But this whole experience has been emotionally crushing for my wife. She grew up as the only girl with three brothers, two of whom were significantly younger than her, and my MIL relied on her to handle a lot of parenting duties. I think she expected that effort would be repaid when she had kids of her own, not that her own mother would respond with borderline flippant disinterest in helping out. All this has left my wife in tears on more than one occasion. I wish I could help more directly, but we need the money from my job, which requires me to work two nights a week. Unfortunately, it doesn’t pay well enough for us to afford a babysitter. Do you have any insight into what I can do to support my wife as we navigate this situation? Is there any hope of breaking through to my MIL? Or are we being too picky?
—Helpless Dad
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
How do I stop feeling so upset by my kids’ age-appropriate jabs and barbs? I have a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old and out in the world I know they’re kind, compassionate, sensitive people. However, they think absolutely nothing of telling me everything that’s wrong with me at any given moment, and comparing me to other adults who are better in some way. Apparently, I am no fun (but Daddy is), I’m too strict (but so and so’s mom isn’t), I overreact to everything, my clothes are ugly and my hair looks bad. I get that this is all very normal, but I really hate it, especially because I’m busting my butt 24/7 managing all their needs. I cried on Mother’s Day because no one even made me a card, and then that was another example of me overreacting. I’ve watched all the sitcoms and read all the blogs; I know part of having teens and tweens is suffering through their disdain. How do I make it feel less bad?
—Not So Modern Family
( Read more... )
Link