Dear Prudence: My Cat & I Are Being Stalked by The Child Next Door

[minoanmiss]

About a year ago, I moved into a unit on a shared driveway. I’m at the back, and up the front is a family with two primary-school age kids. They often play on the driveway in front of my place, which is fine as none of us have big backyards and I don’t park there. The kids are friendly, and while I don’t know the parents well enough to know their names, we’ll chat if we’re both coming in and out of our houses at the same time. This is all normal and good, part of having neighbors—but there is a problem I’m not sure how to handle.

I have an indoor cat, and the younger kid, she’s maybe 7, is very, very keen on him. Several times a week, she comes and stares at him through the front window, which I find partially cute (I also loved cats as a little kid) and partially a bit invasive (I am at home in my private space and she’s just standing there staring in). Sometimes she leaves cat litter and food that I can’t use on the front step, and if I don’t take it inside immediately, the next time I’m on my front step, it’s obviously been moved as if she thinks I didn’t see it. This has ramped up lately, and I’m feeling the lack of privacy. It is uncomfortable having a kid stare at me while I make dinner or sit on the couch or work out! I know I need to chat to her parents and say it’s gotten to be a bit much, but they don’t have a heap of space themselves, and I’m aware that when you’re 7, hearing no can be pretty upsetting. I don’t want to be unkind to this family, but I also don’t want to close the curtains any time I’m home. There is a box of cat supplies I didn’t ask for and can’t use on my front step right now.
—Leave Me and My Cat Alone

Would you be comfortable setting aside 15 minutes every afternoon (maybe right when the kid comes home from school?) or an hour once a week, or whatever works best for you as “cat time”? If so, why don’t you say something to the parents like, “I’ve noticed Peyton really loves to come look at Mr. Whiskers! It can be a little startling to see her standing there looking in the window so often, but I’d love to set up a regular time for her to come over and see him instead. She could even play with him or help me feed him if she’s interested and you’re comfortable with that.”

Then tell the 7-year-old the plan and give her a child-friendly reminder not to hang out on your porch like a little stalker every day. For example, “When you see that I’ve hung the picture of Mr. Whiskers on the door, you are free to sit on the porch and watch him or come in to visit him. If it’s not there, please play in front of your house and come back another time.” If this works out, everyone will be happy, and you’ll be training a future pet-sitter in the process.

Comments

[conuly]

Where the hell is a first grader getting all this kitty litter and cat food!?

LW can dump it at the nearest food pantry, I guess. Somebody will find a use for it, even though it's not human food.

[full_metal_ox]

I bet the local animal shelter could use kitty litter and cat food.

[minoanmiss]

A sympathetic older child/teenager or (foolish) adult? A big allowance?

I was kind of surprised that LW had no idea what to do with the unwanted supplies, but it may not be obvious at first thought.

[azurelunatic]

The supplies disappearing absent a strong contrary word would be proof to the kid that Mr. Whiskers wanted and needed the supplies.

[melannen]

Food pantries often don't handle pet stuff, but the local shelter or animal control will take it, some pet stores even have donation dropoffs. (But where is it coming from???)

[conuly]

It's my understanding that food pantries often don't buy pet food, like they don't buy soap or hygiene supplies, but if you show up with a bag of dog food or 100 boxes of tampons that a tenant left in your house (that was fun to walk through the streets with) they'll often put it out for anybody to take.

Though it's best to ask first, of course.

[feldman]

Find a local USian food bank at feedingamerica.org :)

Many are starting to offer pet food as well, since every little bit demonstrably helps in easing household burden - we've partnered with the humane society to have it at a couple of our mobile distributions.

[melannen]

My local food pantry occasionally does that, but more often I'm the one ferrying it from the food pantry to Animal Control to prevent the other pantry volunteers from throwing it out. They'll sometimes put out stuff (like pet food and paper goods) that isn't in their usual the day they get it, but they don't have the storage to hang onto it very long, and they don't want to give the impression they can be relied on to have it.

Some places have a specific Pet Pantry (maybe this seven-year-old should talk to them about starting one if they don't!) and some food pantries do pet food regularly, it does vary a lot, but your odds are much better that it will actually get to a needy animal at the SPCA or at Animal Control.

[pensnest]

I have to admit, my mental image was not of packets, but of handfuls....

[pauraque]

This reminded me very strongly of Allie Brosh's story Richard. (Not that I think it's made up, it's just a similar situation.)

[minoanmiss]

ahahhaahhaha oh my GOD this was HILARIOUS. Poor Richard. Poor poor Richard.

[pauraque]

You see what I mean! Hopefully LW's problem doesn't escalate to that level.

[tielan]

I am sitting at my computer laughing so hard I'm crying. OH GOD, POOR RICHARD.

[mrissa]

I feel like "what if you donate an hour or more a week to this child with whom you have no particular relationship" is a pretty big ask for this, and it's good for kids to learn that LOOOVING the kitty does not mean that it is YOUR kitty or that you get to do things like looking in the neighbors' windows, we still observe interpersonal boundaries. Hearing no can be pretty upsetting when you're 7, and also it is totally necessary to hear no when you're 7 in order to be a reasonable person when you're 27.

[inkstone]

Yes, exactly.

[minoanmiss]

Yes, this. When I read this, I thought, "Doesn't the advice ' Do not give stalkers attention' still apply even when the stalker is young and seemingly harmless?" Then I questioned myself, and tossed this here, to see what the community thinks.

ETA that said, some people (me) are ludicrously friendly. I don't at all think LW should be required to do this, but if LW did want to establish this cat-based friendship with the neighbor child, would that be a good or bad idea for the child's development?

[conuly]

if LW did want to establish this cat-based friendship with the neighbor child, would that be a good or bad idea for the child's development?

Probably fine. It's generally good for children to know that you can have friends who are very different from you - being a lot older can be a fairly safe way to be different from a child.

Of course, that doesn't apply if LW is in some way a danger to children, but most people aren't.

[mrissa]

I feel like if the LW was saying, "this is such a charming kid, would it be okay for me to hang out with them and bond over the cat?", my answer would be, "absolutely but still be prepared to set boundaries."

I feel like learning your adult neighbors' names in this circumstance is not too much to ask--in fact I routinely make new neighbors banana bread/brownies/etc. and bring them over and introduce myself, writing in a little greeting card that says, "Welcome to the neighborhood!--your neighbors at [street number], Marissa, Mark, and Tim." When tinydog was still alive I wrote, "Marissa, Mark, Tim, and Ista (dog)." So I feel like learning adult neighbors' names and telling them yours is well within bounds if you want to. The other people in my house are not mad that I tell the neighbors their names but do not have the impulse to introduce themselves. I think there needs to be room for both. But going from "I don't know the parents' names" to "I have their kid over daily or for an hour at a time" is a big change; if LW was inclined to befriend the kid I would expect LW would at least have introduced themself to the parents.

[melannen]

Yeah, I'm not super close to the neighbors but Ifeel like if your neighbor's kids are routinely on your property, you should at minimum know their names and have their phone numbers! LW's first step here isn't working out a custody schedule it's having any kind of actual conversation with the parents at all. (And I'd start with addressing the stuff on your porch, because either the parents are actively encouraging that or they don't know their kid is getting pet supplies somewhere. If they are encouraging it, point them toward periodic shelter donation/look at cats days instead.

[melannen]

I do think the rules are different when they're, say, under 10: first because they're incredibly unlikely to have the capacity to do any material harm, and second because they are reasonably likely to actually not know why they shouldn't do that and be capable of learning otherwise.

That doesn't mean you're obligated to follow the advice if you'd rather not engage but a seven-year-old stalker has a reasonable chance of turning into an actual friend if you want one. A forty-year-old one doesn't.

[movingfinger]

I am puzzled as to how the LW first allowed the neighbor child to stare into her window without speaking to her parents ("Your children have been staring into my windows, please explain to them that it is rude") and then to the child ("It is rude to stare into other people's windows, please don't do it.") These are the first steps, not "invite the child in."

I would make sure that the neighbors do not have a key for the apartment, inside or out (apartments can have shared basement stairs, eg).

The LW is allowed to be comfortable in her home, that she is paying for.

That said, I would have hung cafe curtains already.

[azurelunatic]

Aaaaagh.

First, LW needs to talk to the neighbor parents. "Hi, I've noticed that Peyton really loves to come look at Mr. Whiskers, and I've been finding cat litter which isn't the type that Mr. Whiskers uses, and food which isn't the type that Mr. Whiskers can eat, on the porch. It's very kind of Peyton to think of Mr. Whiskers, but she should save her allowance for something else -- cats in shelters that do need help, or literally anything else. I'm able to give him everything he needs. If you still have the receipts you might be able to return them at the store. I've been leaving the curtains open since Mr. Whiskers likes to watch birds and other activity, but I've noticed that Peyton has taken up Mr. Whiskers-watching from about 6 inches away from my front window for hours at a time. That can be a bit startling when I'm watching TV or doing Jazzercise. She and little Brantley are welcome to continue playing in the driveway, but could you talk to her about privacy? Thanks bunches." BY NO MEANS are you to tell them what brand(s) Mr. Whiskers does use, and I would make an effort to hide the brands in the garbage, because seven year olds are resourceful.

I would bet at least a bag of fancy crystal cat litter that little Peyton has talked about how Mr. Whiskers needs this or that, and the parents hearing directly otherwise is going to stop a lot of the unwanted donations.

And then yes, cafe style curtains that Mr. Whiskers can hop under, that are well above 7-year-old eye level but still lets LW see out.

[cimorene]

Exactly. This advice is bad and I can't believe it didn't even mention the cat product donations! That needs to be addressed urgently.

[tielan]

It is never too early to teach a child that other people's boundaries matter too.