(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: At the end of an extremely long road trip, my fiancée, her 16-year-old son and I stopped at a noisy sports bar at 9:30 p.m. – famished.

As we waited for our food, I saw an article regarding a woman who was recently fired for using a slang variant of “the N-word.” I turned to my fiancée to recount the story, but instead of using the variant of the word I saw in the article, I leaned in and in a very low voice said the actual (offensive) word to her, never intending for her son to hear it.

When we got into the car, her son vehemently questioned why I had used the word. I was stunned. His tone and aggression were totally disproportionate to my action. I got angry because of his tone and told them. My fiancée sided with her son. She said his tone was justified by my saying the word in his presence (we are all Northern European, by the way).

I am a politically progressive American who has supported many Black candidates, worked for voting rights, and have many Black friends. My fiancée has asked that I move back to my own house for an uncertain duration.

I have apologized for getting angry, but my fiancée says that the problem was that I didn't respect her son for standing up for his beliefs. She believes that I should have just apologized and ignored his tone. Your thoughts?

– Stunned Man

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Abusive families and partners

[conuly]

( All letters under a cut because they're all about abusive families and partners )

A Pay Dirt correspondent asks if she's selfish

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

When I graduate college in 2022, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising), saying that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do?

—Morally Confused

Dear Morally Confused,

You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt.