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Dec. 29th, 2022
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conuly1. Over a year ago, I introduced my new girlfriend, who is Jewish, to my mother, who is not. (My girlfriend and I are in our 20s.) Based on my experiences growing up, I didn’t expect any issues, but my mother surprised me: She told me she didn’t like my girlfriend. After talking in circles for a while, she admitted the main thing she didn’t like was that my girlfriend is Jewish. She also told me I should not bring her home for Christmas. So we stayed away last year, and we have kept our distance since then. I call my mother every few weeks to try to keep connected, but she shuts me down fast. It’s been over two years since we’ve seen each other, and something about the holidays makes this extra hard. Is there something more I should be doing?
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2. DEAR ABBY: I have always been the outsider in my family. My grandma raised me because Mom was an alcoholic and ran the streets with her boyfriend. My grandma died three months ago, and I have been having a hard time dealing with it.
My mother has moved into my grandma's house and wants me to come visit her. This is a problem because everywhere I look, it reminds me of my grandma. I have told her this, but she thinks that since she's painted and decorated it differently, it shouldn't be a problem for me.
I am the only child who has anything to do with her (she gave up my oldest sister), and she uses guilt when I don't come out and help her clean or go grocery shopping for her. I was raised to believe that we should take care of our elders, but I still have issues with her not being in my life growing up. I don't know how to handle this without just refusing to go. What should I do? -- CONFLICTED IN MISSOURI
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3. Dear Annie: I need a little advice. My oldest son, age 42, and my youngest, 32, had a disagreement three years ago and still aren't talking to each other. What is especially heartbreaking is they have the most in common with each other out of all my children -- a total of four.
The oldest son, "Bradley," is bipolar, and he did not start treatment and medications until two years ago. The argument occurred one year before he received help. Now Bradley has admitted that it was his fault, that he was a jerk during the conversation, when he insulted my youngest son's girlfriend.
Despite this, my youngest, "Frank," REFUSES to speak to his brother, although Bradley has tried to reach out to him many times. I threw a barbecue, and Bradley, who lives in another state, came as a surprise. Frank was there and pretended to be nice. But afterward, Frank has refused to speak to Bradley, despite Bradley's many attempts to reach out.
This is hurting both boys -- and me!
I'm getting older and am not in the best of health. What terrifies me is the idea that they won't be on speaking terms if something were to happen to me. Do you have any advice? -- Hoping and Praying
( Read more... )
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4. Dear Annie: My daughter and son-in-law moved from Pennsylvania, where I live, to North Carolina to be close to his family. They moved without giving me any real notice. My daughter had mentioned they might be moving, but I did not find out for sure until the day before they moved.
That was eight years ago. Because I am poor and a widow, I have had little to no contact with the kids. The one trip I did make cost me $1,000.
They can afford almost yearly Disney trips. During the eight years, they have only visited me once -- spending an hour with me, and I paid for dinner. I asked what they were doing the next day, and they said they had to return to North Carolina.
I found out later that they spent the next day in Pennsylvania at Hershey Park. I feel like they don't want me in those kids' lives.
They now have a little girl who is 7 years old, and she barely knows me. The same is true for all their kids. Yet my daughter's mother-in-law, who lives in North Carolina, sees them all the time.
Also, I found out, to my adamant objection, that the little girl wears makeup, lipstick, nail polish and God only knows what else. I swear, the mother-in-law wants this 7-year-old pregnant as soon as possible. The mother-in-law seems to have money and basically pays all their bills. I never raised my daughter to be that way, so I can't figure it out.
Anyway, the kids are getting older every day, and I have missed out on so much with them. I really am beginning to hate my daughter and son-in-law for moving to be where the mother-in-law is. I hate the mother-in-law for babying those two and not letting them grow up. Am I wrong? -- Disgusted with Choices
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5. Dear Prudence,
Is it OK to not see my siblings in person anymore? This summer after a family event I had planned I discovered my siblings are not great people and are not willing to invest the same amount of time and effort into my life as I invest in theirs.
They had been asked to perform some tasks I was not able to do, and they assured me that they could do them, but when it came down to the actual day, I had to help with their tasks more than I should have had to. In addition, they were just judgmental of the entire event when everyone else said what a wonderful night it was.
After this, I was upset and disheartened. I didn’t blow up at them or complain as I spent a lot of time during the event dealing with their inability to follow through instead of focusing on what I needed to do that night. I did spend a few days afterward thinking about how we’d grown up, and their difficulty in giving back even just a small measure of support. I get it, it’s how we were raised, and not everyone gives the same effort. I realized I’m much happier mentally if we just continue a text/occasional call relationship instead of meeting in person. Is that OK? It just stresses me out because I feel like I’m doing the work and getting judged for everything.
—Sibling Stress
( Read more... )
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6. Dear Annie: Almost 15 years ago, my older sister removed me from her life after a series of messy arguments. At the time, she just stopped taking my calls and waited for me to leave family functions before going. She told our three siblings and mother that she didn't want me in her life. She likely gave them reasons but never allowed anyone to tell me.
When she ghosted me, I was heartbroken. I bugged everyone for years, asking how she was, crying about how much I missed her. I made many attempts to reconnect that were met with silence or warnings from family that she was still angry at me, but no one could ever say for what.
A few times, she asked our oldest sister to bring my kids for her to see them without me or my husband. My husband refused because he has never met her. I agreed with him.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that my sister removing me from her life was a blessing. She was toxic, and our relationship is a long history of cruelty on her part and a lack of boundaries mixed with codependency on mine. I told our oldest sister just that.
Mere days after that conversation with my oldest sister, my estranged sister messaged my teenage children on social media. She told them she was their aunt and that just because she and I don't get along doesn't mean she shouldn't have a relationship with them.
I responded by telling her she made the choice 15 years ago that we aren't family, that it was a blessing and she needs to leave my kids alone. Then I blocked her on their accounts.
She responded by sending my husband -- who she's never met or spoken to -- a message for me and then blocking him. Her argument was that I had played the victim for 15 years, that I was hateful and didn't support her. She said that I was using my kids as leverage. She called me toxic and stated that she was disappointed I didn't make any efforts to know her kids. She also stated repeatedly that I had been talking badly about her to everyone during the last 15 years.
I am very confused at this point. I don't know what she's been told for 15 years about what I've said because no one has told me anything. If I am toxic, why would she want me to have a relationship with her kids?
I believe I'm doing the right thing by keeping my teenagers away from her because I know how she treated me throughout our childhood and young adult years. She is not a safe person.
My siblings, their spouses and kids all seem to love her and have great relationships with her. It feels like most of the time, though, that if I don't reach out to them, I don't hear from them at all.
I'm now questioning if I should remove my three siblings from my life, too, as it sounds like they have been telling her I'm saying things. They've also been completely complacent in her alienation of me. -- Confused in Kansas
( Read more... )
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2. DEAR ABBY: I have always been the outsider in my family. My grandma raised me because Mom was an alcoholic and ran the streets with her boyfriend. My grandma died three months ago, and I have been having a hard time dealing with it.
My mother has moved into my grandma's house and wants me to come visit her. This is a problem because everywhere I look, it reminds me of my grandma. I have told her this, but she thinks that since she's painted and decorated it differently, it shouldn't be a problem for me.
I am the only child who has anything to do with her (she gave up my oldest sister), and she uses guilt when I don't come out and help her clean or go grocery shopping for her. I was raised to believe that we should take care of our elders, but I still have issues with her not being in my life growing up. I don't know how to handle this without just refusing to go. What should I do? -- CONFLICTED IN MISSOURI
( Read more... )
3. Dear Annie: I need a little advice. My oldest son, age 42, and my youngest, 32, had a disagreement three years ago and still aren't talking to each other. What is especially heartbreaking is they have the most in common with each other out of all my children -- a total of four.
The oldest son, "Bradley," is bipolar, and he did not start treatment and medications until two years ago. The argument occurred one year before he received help. Now Bradley has admitted that it was his fault, that he was a jerk during the conversation, when he insulted my youngest son's girlfriend.
Despite this, my youngest, "Frank," REFUSES to speak to his brother, although Bradley has tried to reach out to him many times. I threw a barbecue, and Bradley, who lives in another state, came as a surprise. Frank was there and pretended to be nice. But afterward, Frank has refused to speak to Bradley, despite Bradley's many attempts to reach out.
This is hurting both boys -- and me!
I'm getting older and am not in the best of health. What terrifies me is the idea that they won't be on speaking terms if something were to happen to me. Do you have any advice? -- Hoping and Praying
( Read more... )
4. Dear Annie: My daughter and son-in-law moved from Pennsylvania, where I live, to North Carolina to be close to his family. They moved without giving me any real notice. My daughter had mentioned they might be moving, but I did not find out for sure until the day before they moved.
That was eight years ago. Because I am poor and a widow, I have had little to no contact with the kids. The one trip I did make cost me $1,000.
They can afford almost yearly Disney trips. During the eight years, they have only visited me once -- spending an hour with me, and I paid for dinner. I asked what they were doing the next day, and they said they had to return to North Carolina.
I found out later that they spent the next day in Pennsylvania at Hershey Park. I feel like they don't want me in those kids' lives.
They now have a little girl who is 7 years old, and she barely knows me. The same is true for all their kids. Yet my daughter's mother-in-law, who lives in North Carolina, sees them all the time.
Also, I found out, to my adamant objection, that the little girl wears makeup, lipstick, nail polish and God only knows what else. I swear, the mother-in-law wants this 7-year-old pregnant as soon as possible. The mother-in-law seems to have money and basically pays all their bills. I never raised my daughter to be that way, so I can't figure it out.
Anyway, the kids are getting older every day, and I have missed out on so much with them. I really am beginning to hate my daughter and son-in-law for moving to be where the mother-in-law is. I hate the mother-in-law for babying those two and not letting them grow up. Am I wrong? -- Disgusted with Choices
( Read more... )
5. Dear Prudence,
Is it OK to not see my siblings in person anymore? This summer after a family event I had planned I discovered my siblings are not great people and are not willing to invest the same amount of time and effort into my life as I invest in theirs.
They had been asked to perform some tasks I was not able to do, and they assured me that they could do them, but when it came down to the actual day, I had to help with their tasks more than I should have had to. In addition, they were just judgmental of the entire event when everyone else said what a wonderful night it was.
After this, I was upset and disheartened. I didn’t blow up at them or complain as I spent a lot of time during the event dealing with their inability to follow through instead of focusing on what I needed to do that night. I did spend a few days afterward thinking about how we’d grown up, and their difficulty in giving back even just a small measure of support. I get it, it’s how we were raised, and not everyone gives the same effort. I realized I’m much happier mentally if we just continue a text/occasional call relationship instead of meeting in person. Is that OK? It just stresses me out because I feel like I’m doing the work and getting judged for everything.
—Sibling Stress
( Read more... )
6. Dear Annie: Almost 15 years ago, my older sister removed me from her life after a series of messy arguments. At the time, she just stopped taking my calls and waited for me to leave family functions before going. She told our three siblings and mother that she didn't want me in her life. She likely gave them reasons but never allowed anyone to tell me.
When she ghosted me, I was heartbroken. I bugged everyone for years, asking how she was, crying about how much I missed her. I made many attempts to reconnect that were met with silence or warnings from family that she was still angry at me, but no one could ever say for what.
A few times, she asked our oldest sister to bring my kids for her to see them without me or my husband. My husband refused because he has never met her. I agreed with him.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that my sister removing me from her life was a blessing. She was toxic, and our relationship is a long history of cruelty on her part and a lack of boundaries mixed with codependency on mine. I told our oldest sister just that.
Mere days after that conversation with my oldest sister, my estranged sister messaged my teenage children on social media. She told them she was their aunt and that just because she and I don't get along doesn't mean she shouldn't have a relationship with them.
I responded by telling her she made the choice 15 years ago that we aren't family, that it was a blessing and she needs to leave my kids alone. Then I blocked her on their accounts.
She responded by sending my husband -- who she's never met or spoken to -- a message for me and then blocking him. Her argument was that I had played the victim for 15 years, that I was hateful and didn't support her. She said that I was using my kids as leverage. She called me toxic and stated that she was disappointed I didn't make any efforts to know her kids. She also stated repeatedly that I had been talking badly about her to everyone during the last 15 years.
I am very confused at this point. I don't know what she's been told for 15 years about what I've said because no one has told me anything. If I am toxic, why would she want me to have a relationship with her kids?
I believe I'm doing the right thing by keeping my teenagers away from her because I know how she treated me throughout our childhood and young adult years. She is not a safe person.
My siblings, their spouses and kids all seem to love her and have great relationships with her. It feels like most of the time, though, that if I don't reach out to them, I don't hear from them at all.
I'm now questioning if I should remove my three siblings from my life, too, as it sounds like they have been telling her I'm saying things. They've also been completely complacent in her alienation of me. -- Confused in Kansas
( Read more... )
ceretaDear Carolyn: My girlfriend of two years was invited to the wedding of a classmate of hers. I asked whether I could attend as her date. She said that, because the invitation didn’t include me, I shouldn’t go. I asked whether she wouldn’t mind asking the bride. She refused.
I assumed she would stay only a very short time. By midnight, I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn’t even try. And she was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn’t included because of them, which she denies.
— R.
R.: Your girlfriend was right: An invitation addressed only to her means you weren’t invited, and it’s not acceptable to pressure couples to add guests.
If you really believe your girlfriend is a liar who can’t be trusted without a chaperone, then please direct your efforts to asking yourself why you haven’t just broken up with her — instead of angling for invitations to weddings you apparently had no other reason to want to attend than to supervise her.
I assumed she would stay only a very short time. By midnight, I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn’t even try. And she was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn’t included because of them, which she denies.
— R.
R.: Your girlfriend was right: An invitation addressed only to her means you weren’t invited, and it’s not acceptable to pressure couples to add guests.
If you really believe your girlfriend is a liar who can’t be trusted without a chaperone, then please direct your efforts to asking yourself why you haven’t just broken up with her — instead of angling for invitations to weddings you apparently had no other reason to want to attend than to supervise her.