You do not have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem

[conuly]

1. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my husband for 18 years (married for two years). We have two children.

His mother has never been nice to me. She’s very passive-aggressive. She acts like I stole her son from her.

I used to brush it off, but it took a turn for the worst after our first baby was born. They’ve only visited twice (they live a distance away), but her behavior includes: requesting group pictures without me in them, saying that my cooking was “just okay,” and – the worst – I retrieved a voicemail she left (accidentally), calling me a “b**ch” for not answering the phone.

I had a horrible c-section and my baby was in the NICU.

She’s always raining on the happiest moments of my life, posting constantly on Facebook. She’ll post 30 memes a day that I believe are directed toward me. My husband recently admitted that she hates me. I know I would be happier if she wasn’t like this. My kids would have a happier mom if I didn’t have to put up with this.

I’ve taken Facebook breaks because of her, but it’s the only way I connect with my family, who also live far away. My husband doesn’t want to get involved, and I don’t blame him. We buy her gifts and call her, but it’s not enough. She’s always looking for gifts, but never gives in return.

I really don’t like her negative energy and don’t know what to do about it. Your advice, please?

– Tired of Being Bullied

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Insufferable parents

[conuly]

(For some reason, all of these come from Slate advice columns)

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My boys are 13, 11, and 9 and still call us “Daddy” and “Mommy.” I’ve told them multiple times, in a lighthearted way, “Hey! You can call me Mom now instead of Mommy!” but it’s not sticking and it really bothers me for some reason. Am I being unreasonable? Does it even matter? My son’s friend snickered at him the other day when he heard him call me “Mommy” but it’s bothered me way before that. Should I try to do something about it or do nothing at let it run its course?

—AKA “Mommy”

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

A few years ago we agreed on bi-weekly allowance for my kids, tracked by an app. The 11-year-old gets $11 and the 9-year-old gets $9, etc. The money usually just sits there; they don’t have much need for pocket money, and there’s nothing to buy at school. Since the pandemic, they don’t come with us to the store that often, so the money has just been accumulating. At some point, I realized the total was climbing and switched it to once per month. The app just keeps track of the total, so no actual cash goes in their little Velcro wallets. I thought this was a great plan, but lately I’m not so sure. My 9-year-old was begging for something, and I told her she could use her own money. We check the app and she has well over $100 banked! She’s thrilled and ready to go on a shopping spree! I know that’s what it’s for, to teach them about money but I don’t want to just let her run free with all her cash. It defeats the purpose if she always has enough money to get what she wants, she’ll never learn to save/spend/budget. I should note that they have daily chores that are separate from allowance. Is their age in dollars per month too much? Should I be giving them cash? Should I just let them go on a shopping spree? I know I shouldn’t be so controlling about what they spend their money on, but $100 in candy and junk is a LOT of candy and junk. Any advice would be appreciated!

—Mom of Moneybags

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3. Dear Care and Feeding,

I share a 15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son with my ex-husband, James. James was an awful husband but has always been a really good dad. His being a bad husband is centered around his “Peter Pan syndrome,” and it’s spilling into his approach to fatherhood: He wants everything to be fun. He makes games out of doing their homework or studying. We share 50/50 custody and when the kids are with him, it is nonstop fun. He thinks nothing of leaving after school on Friday to fly to the beach and come back Sunday. They have no chores at his house except that they need to pick up after themselves (he has a housekeeper who cleans for him). They almost always order in or eat out (they tried a meal delivery service once but decided cooking “wasn’t fun” and canceled it). He doesn’t punish the kids because, as he puts it, “they never do anything with me that I feel warrants punishment.”

Obviously, the kids prefer to be at their dad’s house instead of with me and my husband, Nick. I am stricter than James, and the kids have chores and responsibilities at home. Nick is everything I wished for in a husband—he is responsible, sensible, and hard-working. My hope has always been that my kids would be influenced by him on how to live their lives. However, it is becoming clear that they want to live like their dad. My son’s future career goals involve “getting a job that pays enough to live like dad” and although my daughter wants to go to medical school, she wants a “laid back specialty that isn’t high stress, makes a lot of money so she can afford a housekeeper and an assistant and travel all the time.”

I want my kids to have more values and goals than this! They aren’t spoiled kids but they seem to think their dad’s lifestyle is the best, and Nick and I are boring. How can I get them to see that adulthood isn’t all fun and sometimes it is mundane and tedious? How do I counter their dad’s influence? I really don’t want my kids to grow up to be like their dad.

— Not a Fun Mom but Not a Dud

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4. Dear Care and Feeding,

Our family has just moved from an expat life in Europe to a new city in Asia. My 4-year-old son completed two years of preschool in Europe doing a full school day. I have the option of putting him in “senior kindergarten” in an international school with an excellent curriculum and extracurricular options, or putting him in a half-day “junior kindergarten” in a preschool next to our home where he would be one of the oldest kids (maybe the oldest). The dilemma is that I think he is intellectually ready for the challenge of senior kinder and would thrive there, as he loves language arts and math and science and art. But other than PE twice a week at the park across the street, the school is entirely indoors, with low ceilings and almost no natural light. Even lunchtime is indoors. He would also have to take a shuttle to and from school, which he is nervous about. These things are true of pretty much all our international school options, which are all inside skyscrapers rather than having a traditional campus. In contrast, the tiny preschool is bright and full of light, it has a green space and outdoor play area (extremely rare here), I could walk him there every morning, and he’d attend school with his sister. And based on his age, this is the class he should attend (his birthday is just after the cut-off). Still, it feels like a step backward academically from where he has been.

He is shy and sensitive, and I think he’d be happier in preschool—but he’s also very intelligent and I honestly don’t think this preschool class is advanced enough for him. Is the abundance of natural light a ridiculous reason to keep him in preschool? It’s really the only thing making me consider it. Could I make up for it, if I send him to the school that I think is a better fit in all other ways, with extracurricular activities in the afternoon? And what, if any, are the implications of this decision when we eventually move back to the States? Is it a benefit to essentially be a year ahead of what his birthday cut-off would otherwise dictate (if he can manage academically, which I think he can) or is it better to be the oldest in your class? I’ve seen conflicting research.

—Searching for the Sun

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5. Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m the nana to a 5-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. The boy is very independent and plays well by himself. The girl is very needy—she needs to have someone engaged with her at all times. She’s the kid you can never FILL UP! Right now we’re all together on vacation and the 5-year-old is struggling mightily with sharing any time at all with Nana and little brother. To the point of anger, complete with pushing, hitting, and kicking. I’m not a toy to be fought over! Plus, snuggling with the boy is so special because he’s so much less demanding. The parents (my daughter and her husband) try to make their 5-year-old understand that she has to give us time with her brother, but you can guess how well a 5-year-old listens to that kind of logic. The problem isn’t new, and isn’t just while we’re on vacation. We deal with it weekly, as we babysit the kids one day a week and have since their birth. How can we fix this?

—I Have Only Two Arms!

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