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Insufferable parents
(For some reason, all of these come from Slate advice columns)
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My boys are 13, 11, and 9 and still call us “Daddy” and “Mommy.” I’ve told them multiple times, in a lighthearted way, “Hey! You can call me Mom now instead of Mommy!” but it’s not sticking and it really bothers me for some reason. Am I being unreasonable? Does it even matter? My son’s friend snickered at him the other day when he heard him call me “Mommy” but it’s bothered me way before that. Should I try to do something about it or do nothing at let it run its course?
—AKA “Mommy”
Dear AKAM,
I think you’re making a mountain where there isn’t even enough material for a molehill. What exactly is the problem with being called “Mommy” or “Daddy?” Considering that all three of your children are around the ages where the sweetness begins to run dry and the need to be independent from one’s parents starts to show, I think you should be grateful that your boys are still so warm towards you and your husband. I understand why you may feel “Mom” and “Dad” are more age-appropriate, but I’m inclined to believe that “Mommy” and “Daddy” are more symbolic of a child’s feelings towards their parents, in a really sweet and loving way. It is likely that in time, they will drop these titles in favor of “Mom,” “Dad” and “inaudible grunts made while staring into a device screen.” Let your children refer to you in the way they feel most comfortable, you have nothing to lose here!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/allowance-gone-wrong-advice.html
********
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
A few years ago we agreed on bi-weekly allowance for my kids, tracked by an app. The 11-year-old gets $11 and the 9-year-old gets $9, etc. The money usually just sits there; they don’t have much need for pocket money, and there’s nothing to buy at school. Since the pandemic, they don’t come with us to the store that often, so the money has just been accumulating. At some point, I realized the total was climbing and switched it to once per month. The app just keeps track of the total, so no actual cash goes in their little Velcro wallets. I thought this was a great plan, but lately I’m not so sure. My 9-year-old was begging for something, and I told her she could use her own money. We check the app and she has well over $100 banked! She’s thrilled and ready to go on a shopping spree! I know that’s what it’s for, to teach them about money but I don’t want to just let her run free with all her cash. It defeats the purpose if she always has enough money to get what she wants, she’ll never learn to save/spend/budget. I should note that they have daily chores that are separate from allowance. Is their age in dollars per month too much? Should I be giving them cash? Should I just let them go on a shopping spree? I know I shouldn’t be so controlling about what they spend their money on, but $100 in candy and junk is a LOT of candy and junk. Any advice would be appreciated!
—Mom of Moneybags
Dear MoM,
An allowance can teach kids a few basic things about saving and budgeting, but I don’t think we should count on it to be a definitive real-life experience with the business of having money. It isn’t that you’ve given your kids a lot of money per month, just that you hadn’t come up with any plans for what would happen when they actually wanted to spend the money that they do have. Perhaps you should come up with monthly opportunities for your kids to shop with their own funds, instead of just waiting until one of them has something that they want to buy. You can also identify something that they’d like to have, as individuals or collectively, and give them the goal of saving up for it.
In the meantime, you’ve already told your daughter that she can buy this item she wants. Let’s say it costs $30. Talk to her about how much of her money that is and how long it will take for her to have another $30. Ask her if the item means that much to her, or if she’d rather keep saving. A shopping spree is unnecessary, but you should perhaps encourage her sibling to pick out something that they would like so that they have both experienced dipping into their savings and having to decide what to buy, and how much of their funds they are willing to spend. Maintain some oversight about how they spend and on what; explain to them why it is important to keep money saved as opposed to spending it all just because you have it.
Another way to get the kids in the habit of regularly budgeting is to identify something that they will now be responsible for, such as a subscription to an additional streaming service that they’ve been asking you to join, or having them pay their cones during weekly visits to the ice cream parlor. Talk to your kids about responsible financial habits on a regular basis, even when the matter of their own bank accounts isn’t part of the discussion; it’s important for kids to have this information from an early age. You might also check out Ron Lieber’s The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money for some additional ideas. Wishing you all the best.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/allowance-gone-wrong-advice.html
********
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
I share a 15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son with my ex-husband, James. James was an awful husband but has always been a really good dad. His being a bad husband is centered around his “Peter Pan syndrome,” and it’s spilling into his approach to fatherhood: He wants everything to be fun. He makes games out of doing their homework or studying. We share 50/50 custody and when the kids are with him, it is nonstop fun. He thinks nothing of leaving after school on Friday to fly to the beach and come back Sunday. They have no chores at his house except that they need to pick up after themselves (he has a housekeeper who cleans for him). They almost always order in or eat out (they tried a meal delivery service once but decided cooking “wasn’t fun” and canceled it). He doesn’t punish the kids because, as he puts it, “they never do anything with me that I feel warrants punishment.”
Obviously, the kids prefer to be at their dad’s house instead of with me and my husband, Nick. I am stricter than James, and the kids have chores and responsibilities at home. Nick is everything I wished for in a husband—he is responsible, sensible, and hard-working. My hope has always been that my kids would be influenced by him on how to live their lives. However, it is becoming clear that they want to live like their dad. My son’s future career goals involve “getting a job that pays enough to live like dad” and although my daughter wants to go to medical school, she wants a “laid back specialty that isn’t high stress, makes a lot of money so she can afford a housekeeper and an assistant and travel all the time.”
I want my kids to have more values and goals than this! They aren’t spoiled kids but they seem to think their dad’s lifestyle is the best, and Nick and I are boring. How can I get them to see that adulthood isn’t all fun and sometimes it is mundane and tedious? How do I counter their dad’s influence? I really don’t want my kids to grow up to be like their dad.
— Not a Fun Mom but Not a Dud
Dear Not a Dud,
You aren’t going to like my answer. I totally empathize with the position that you are in…but most of what you describe about your ex-husband seems rather reasonable to me. Where you see a man who is pawning off his adult responsibilities on hired help, I’m seeing someone who knows himself well enough to know he won’t do chores and has used his financial resources to ensure he doesn’t live in filth. Where you describe someone with no ambition, I see someone who has struck an equilibrium with their employer about how much work is required to earn a comfortable salary, and who follows through on that workload. And do the studying games help your kids retain the information and do well on tests and in class? That’s an A+ tutor you don’t even need to pay.
Your husband has chosen to live a different life than you—and that is ok! It’s proof that your divorce was a good choice. I think you need to let go of the idea that his way of life is wrong, simply because it doesn’t look like yours. What I do sympathize with you on is how it is impacting your kids’ attitudes toward your home and their responsibilities there. The other thing you don’t mention is whether this Peter Pan complex leaves you picking up more pieces of responsibility? It doesn’t sound that way, but if it does, then my advice would be different.
If you have an amiable or collaborative co-parenting arrangement, could you talk to James about the differences in households? Maybe he would be open to having the kids chip in (or learn about) budgeting, just like they are learning about chores from you? It could be a great opportunity for you both to teach your kids the responsibility of keeping house, but from two different approaches. That has the benefit of teaching the kids financial literacy—something I wish more kids had before they became adults. If that isn’t the kind of relationship you have, you may just have to grin and bear it, and trust that the long game will pay off and the kids will see the value of your parenting as they grow. Maybe, at minimum, one thing James can do to help is to approve of your lifestyle if the kids ever complain about it to him. If he can look them in the eye and say, “you’re right, we don’t do laundry here, but I’m 100 percent with your mom on the fact that you need to learn how to do it, because it’s a skill everyone needs,” that can go a long way. If you work together, there is no reason you can’t back each other up while still living the lives you each value.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/glasses-appearance-mother-advice.html
************************
4. Dear Care and Feeding,
Our family has just moved from an expat life in Europe to a new city in Asia. My 4-year-old son completed two years of preschool in Europe doing a full school day. I have the option of putting him in “senior kindergarten” in an international school with an excellent curriculum and extracurricular options, or putting him in a half-day “junior kindergarten” in a preschool next to our home where he would be one of the oldest kids (maybe the oldest). The dilemma is that I think he is intellectually ready for the challenge of senior kinder and would thrive there, as he loves language arts and math and science and art. But other than PE twice a week at the park across the street, the school is entirely indoors, with low ceilings and almost no natural light. Even lunchtime is indoors. He would also have to take a shuttle to and from school, which he is nervous about. These things are true of pretty much all our international school options, which are all inside skyscrapers rather than having a traditional campus. In contrast, the tiny preschool is bright and full of light, it has a green space and outdoor play area (extremely rare here), I could walk him there every morning, and he’d attend school with his sister. And based on his age, this is the class he should attend (his birthday is just after the cut-off). Still, it feels like a step backward academically from where he has been.
He is shy and sensitive, and I think he’d be happier in preschool—but he’s also very intelligent and I honestly don’t think this preschool class is advanced enough for him. Is the abundance of natural light a ridiculous reason to keep him in preschool? It’s really the only thing making me consider it. Could I make up for it, if I send him to the school that I think is a better fit in all other ways, with extracurricular activities in the afternoon? And what, if any, are the implications of this decision when we eventually move back to the States? Is it a benefit to essentially be a year ahead of what his birthday cut-off would otherwise dictate (if he can manage academically, which I think he can) or is it better to be the oldest in your class? I’ve seen conflicting research.
—Searching for the Sun
Dear Searching,
You’re right, there’s conflicting “research” (mostly, though, there are conflicting opinions, based on conflicting priorities). Since you’re asking for my opinion, here goes:
I think at this age his happiness and comfort are more important than his academic curriculum. I think your instincts are telling you that, too (and you’re focusing on “natural light,” which is interesting to me—when that is only part of what’s really at stake here). Yes, children need intellectual stimulation. And yes, your son sounds like he would really enjoy and benefit from more intellectual stimulation than the half-day school closer to home would provide—though everything else it provides would be lovely for him. So how about flipping the script? Instead of sending him off to the school that’s making both you and him anxious, and trying to make up for a full day of being indoors in a windowless room only learning, not playing, you send him to the preschool and then after school you provide plenty of enrichment activities for him?
Honestly, for a child this age, it’s easy to find activities that will engage his mind (the science of cooking, science walks, etc.; reading and talking about books; visiting museums; playing educational games): you don’t have to leave all that for his school day. As to what happens when you return to the States, I’d cross that bridge when you come to it. You are likely to have a choice about what grade to place him in, and I’d urge you at that point to think holistically about it (and forget about “advantages versus disadvantages” for him). Life is not a race to the finish. And the decision about whether to have a child be in school with kids who are older—or to be the oldest in their class—should be made one child at a time, based on that child’s particular needs and temperament.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/needy-grandchildren-care-advice.html
**********
5. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the nana to a 5-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. The boy is very independent and plays well by himself. The girl is very needy—she needs to have someone engaged with her at all times. She’s the kid you can never FILL UP! Right now we’re all together on vacation and the 5-year-old is struggling mightily with sharing any time at all with Nana and little brother. To the point of anger, complete with pushing, hitting, and kicking. I’m not a toy to be fought over! Plus, snuggling with the boy is so special because he’s so much less demanding. The parents (my daughter and her husband) try to make their 5-year-old understand that she has to give us time with her brother, but you can guess how well a 5-year-old listens to that kind of logic. The problem isn’t new, and isn’t just while we’re on vacation. We deal with it weekly, as we babysit the kids one day a week and have since their birth. How can we fix this?
—I Have Only Two Arms!
Dear IHOTA,
I’m not crazy about calling a 5-year-old “needy.” Five-year-olds have needs. And a child this age with a younger sibling (especially one whose cuddles are considered “special” by her grandmother because he’s “so much less demanding”) is struggling, not being difficult—even though it makes things difficult for you.
The way I’d handle this is not to explain to this child that her brother needs attention “too” (she can see that he gets plenty of attention; she’s been seeing that since the day he was born) or steadfastly refuse to give in to her expressions of frustration (and fury!). I’d try the opposite tack. I’d try giving her a lot of loving attention. I’d try doing everything possible to let her know that you adore her, that you’re there for her for whatever she needs whenever she needs it. If she actually feels this, and doesn’t just hear it, I’d bet the ranch that eventually she will stop being the child who can never be “filled up”—because she will be filled up. Think of it as making a deposit for her future mental health. (And please remember that having and taking care of grandchildren—like having and taking care of children—is about them more than it’s about us. Their needs are paramount. Ours are not meant to be fulfilled by them.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/needy-grandchildren-care-advice.html
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My boys are 13, 11, and 9 and still call us “Daddy” and “Mommy.” I’ve told them multiple times, in a lighthearted way, “Hey! You can call me Mom now instead of Mommy!” but it’s not sticking and it really bothers me for some reason. Am I being unreasonable? Does it even matter? My son’s friend snickered at him the other day when he heard him call me “Mommy” but it’s bothered me way before that. Should I try to do something about it or do nothing at let it run its course?
—AKA “Mommy”
Dear AKAM,
I think you’re making a mountain where there isn’t even enough material for a molehill. What exactly is the problem with being called “Mommy” or “Daddy?” Considering that all three of your children are around the ages where the sweetness begins to run dry and the need to be independent from one’s parents starts to show, I think you should be grateful that your boys are still so warm towards you and your husband. I understand why you may feel “Mom” and “Dad” are more age-appropriate, but I’m inclined to believe that “Mommy” and “Daddy” are more symbolic of a child’s feelings towards their parents, in a really sweet and loving way. It is likely that in time, they will drop these titles in favor of “Mom,” “Dad” and “inaudible grunts made while staring into a device screen.” Let your children refer to you in the way they feel most comfortable, you have nothing to lose here!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/allowance-gone-wrong-advice.html
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
A few years ago we agreed on bi-weekly allowance for my kids, tracked by an app. The 11-year-old gets $11 and the 9-year-old gets $9, etc. The money usually just sits there; they don’t have much need for pocket money, and there’s nothing to buy at school. Since the pandemic, they don’t come with us to the store that often, so the money has just been accumulating. At some point, I realized the total was climbing and switched it to once per month. The app just keeps track of the total, so no actual cash goes in their little Velcro wallets. I thought this was a great plan, but lately I’m not so sure. My 9-year-old was begging for something, and I told her she could use her own money. We check the app and she has well over $100 banked! She’s thrilled and ready to go on a shopping spree! I know that’s what it’s for, to teach them about money but I don’t want to just let her run free with all her cash. It defeats the purpose if she always has enough money to get what she wants, she’ll never learn to save/spend/budget. I should note that they have daily chores that are separate from allowance. Is their age in dollars per month too much? Should I be giving them cash? Should I just let them go on a shopping spree? I know I shouldn’t be so controlling about what they spend their money on, but $100 in candy and junk is a LOT of candy and junk. Any advice would be appreciated!
—Mom of Moneybags
Dear MoM,
An allowance can teach kids a few basic things about saving and budgeting, but I don’t think we should count on it to be a definitive real-life experience with the business of having money. It isn’t that you’ve given your kids a lot of money per month, just that you hadn’t come up with any plans for what would happen when they actually wanted to spend the money that they do have. Perhaps you should come up with monthly opportunities for your kids to shop with their own funds, instead of just waiting until one of them has something that they want to buy. You can also identify something that they’d like to have, as individuals or collectively, and give them the goal of saving up for it.
In the meantime, you’ve already told your daughter that she can buy this item she wants. Let’s say it costs $30. Talk to her about how much of her money that is and how long it will take for her to have another $30. Ask her if the item means that much to her, or if she’d rather keep saving. A shopping spree is unnecessary, but you should perhaps encourage her sibling to pick out something that they would like so that they have both experienced dipping into their savings and having to decide what to buy, and how much of their funds they are willing to spend. Maintain some oversight about how they spend and on what; explain to them why it is important to keep money saved as opposed to spending it all just because you have it.
Another way to get the kids in the habit of regularly budgeting is to identify something that they will now be responsible for, such as a subscription to an additional streaming service that they’ve been asking you to join, or having them pay their cones during weekly visits to the ice cream parlor. Talk to your kids about responsible financial habits on a regular basis, even when the matter of their own bank accounts isn’t part of the discussion; it’s important for kids to have this information from an early age. You might also check out Ron Lieber’s The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money for some additional ideas. Wishing you all the best.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/allowance-gone-wrong-advice.html
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
I share a 15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son with my ex-husband, James. James was an awful husband but has always been a really good dad. His being a bad husband is centered around his “Peter Pan syndrome,” and it’s spilling into his approach to fatherhood: He wants everything to be fun. He makes games out of doing their homework or studying. We share 50/50 custody and when the kids are with him, it is nonstop fun. He thinks nothing of leaving after school on Friday to fly to the beach and come back Sunday. They have no chores at his house except that they need to pick up after themselves (he has a housekeeper who cleans for him). They almost always order in or eat out (they tried a meal delivery service once but decided cooking “wasn’t fun” and canceled it). He doesn’t punish the kids because, as he puts it, “they never do anything with me that I feel warrants punishment.”
Obviously, the kids prefer to be at their dad’s house instead of with me and my husband, Nick. I am stricter than James, and the kids have chores and responsibilities at home. Nick is everything I wished for in a husband—he is responsible, sensible, and hard-working. My hope has always been that my kids would be influenced by him on how to live their lives. However, it is becoming clear that they want to live like their dad. My son’s future career goals involve “getting a job that pays enough to live like dad” and although my daughter wants to go to medical school, she wants a “laid back specialty that isn’t high stress, makes a lot of money so she can afford a housekeeper and an assistant and travel all the time.”
I want my kids to have more values and goals than this! They aren’t spoiled kids but they seem to think their dad’s lifestyle is the best, and Nick and I are boring. How can I get them to see that adulthood isn’t all fun and sometimes it is mundane and tedious? How do I counter their dad’s influence? I really don’t want my kids to grow up to be like their dad.
— Not a Fun Mom but Not a Dud
Dear Not a Dud,
You aren’t going to like my answer. I totally empathize with the position that you are in…but most of what you describe about your ex-husband seems rather reasonable to me. Where you see a man who is pawning off his adult responsibilities on hired help, I’m seeing someone who knows himself well enough to know he won’t do chores and has used his financial resources to ensure he doesn’t live in filth. Where you describe someone with no ambition, I see someone who has struck an equilibrium with their employer about how much work is required to earn a comfortable salary, and who follows through on that workload. And do the studying games help your kids retain the information and do well on tests and in class? That’s an A+ tutor you don’t even need to pay.
Your husband has chosen to live a different life than you—and that is ok! It’s proof that your divorce was a good choice. I think you need to let go of the idea that his way of life is wrong, simply because it doesn’t look like yours. What I do sympathize with you on is how it is impacting your kids’ attitudes toward your home and their responsibilities there. The other thing you don’t mention is whether this Peter Pan complex leaves you picking up more pieces of responsibility? It doesn’t sound that way, but if it does, then my advice would be different.
If you have an amiable or collaborative co-parenting arrangement, could you talk to James about the differences in households? Maybe he would be open to having the kids chip in (or learn about) budgeting, just like they are learning about chores from you? It could be a great opportunity for you both to teach your kids the responsibility of keeping house, but from two different approaches. That has the benefit of teaching the kids financial literacy—something I wish more kids had before they became adults. If that isn’t the kind of relationship you have, you may just have to grin and bear it, and trust that the long game will pay off and the kids will see the value of your parenting as they grow. Maybe, at minimum, one thing James can do to help is to approve of your lifestyle if the kids ever complain about it to him. If he can look them in the eye and say, “you’re right, we don’t do laundry here, but I’m 100 percent with your mom on the fact that you need to learn how to do it, because it’s a skill everyone needs,” that can go a long way. If you work together, there is no reason you can’t back each other up while still living the lives you each value.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/glasses-appearance-mother-advice.html
4. Dear Care and Feeding,
Our family has just moved from an expat life in Europe to a new city in Asia. My 4-year-old son completed two years of preschool in Europe doing a full school day. I have the option of putting him in “senior kindergarten” in an international school with an excellent curriculum and extracurricular options, or putting him in a half-day “junior kindergarten” in a preschool next to our home where he would be one of the oldest kids (maybe the oldest). The dilemma is that I think he is intellectually ready for the challenge of senior kinder and would thrive there, as he loves language arts and math and science and art. But other than PE twice a week at the park across the street, the school is entirely indoors, with low ceilings and almost no natural light. Even lunchtime is indoors. He would also have to take a shuttle to and from school, which he is nervous about. These things are true of pretty much all our international school options, which are all inside skyscrapers rather than having a traditional campus. In contrast, the tiny preschool is bright and full of light, it has a green space and outdoor play area (extremely rare here), I could walk him there every morning, and he’d attend school with his sister. And based on his age, this is the class he should attend (his birthday is just after the cut-off). Still, it feels like a step backward academically from where he has been.
He is shy and sensitive, and I think he’d be happier in preschool—but he’s also very intelligent and I honestly don’t think this preschool class is advanced enough for him. Is the abundance of natural light a ridiculous reason to keep him in preschool? It’s really the only thing making me consider it. Could I make up for it, if I send him to the school that I think is a better fit in all other ways, with extracurricular activities in the afternoon? And what, if any, are the implications of this decision when we eventually move back to the States? Is it a benefit to essentially be a year ahead of what his birthday cut-off would otherwise dictate (if he can manage academically, which I think he can) or is it better to be the oldest in your class? I’ve seen conflicting research.
—Searching for the Sun
Dear Searching,
You’re right, there’s conflicting “research” (mostly, though, there are conflicting opinions, based on conflicting priorities). Since you’re asking for my opinion, here goes:
I think at this age his happiness and comfort are more important than his academic curriculum. I think your instincts are telling you that, too (and you’re focusing on “natural light,” which is interesting to me—when that is only part of what’s really at stake here). Yes, children need intellectual stimulation. And yes, your son sounds like he would really enjoy and benefit from more intellectual stimulation than the half-day school closer to home would provide—though everything else it provides would be lovely for him. So how about flipping the script? Instead of sending him off to the school that’s making both you and him anxious, and trying to make up for a full day of being indoors in a windowless room only learning, not playing, you send him to the preschool and then after school you provide plenty of enrichment activities for him?
Honestly, for a child this age, it’s easy to find activities that will engage his mind (the science of cooking, science walks, etc.; reading and talking about books; visiting museums; playing educational games): you don’t have to leave all that for his school day. As to what happens when you return to the States, I’d cross that bridge when you come to it. You are likely to have a choice about what grade to place him in, and I’d urge you at that point to think holistically about it (and forget about “advantages versus disadvantages” for him). Life is not a race to the finish. And the decision about whether to have a child be in school with kids who are older—or to be the oldest in their class—should be made one child at a time, based on that child’s particular needs and temperament.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/needy-grandchildren-care-advice.html
5. Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the nana to a 5-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. The boy is very independent and plays well by himself. The girl is very needy—she needs to have someone engaged with her at all times. She’s the kid you can never FILL UP! Right now we’re all together on vacation and the 5-year-old is struggling mightily with sharing any time at all with Nana and little brother. To the point of anger, complete with pushing, hitting, and kicking. I’m not a toy to be fought over! Plus, snuggling with the boy is so special because he’s so much less demanding. The parents (my daughter and her husband) try to make their 5-year-old understand that she has to give us time with her brother, but you can guess how well a 5-year-old listens to that kind of logic. The problem isn’t new, and isn’t just while we’re on vacation. We deal with it weekly, as we babysit the kids one day a week and have since their birth. How can we fix this?
—I Have Only Two Arms!
Dear IHOTA,
I’m not crazy about calling a 5-year-old “needy.” Five-year-olds have needs. And a child this age with a younger sibling (especially one whose cuddles are considered “special” by her grandmother because he’s “so much less demanding”) is struggling, not being difficult—even though it makes things difficult for you.
The way I’d handle this is not to explain to this child that her brother needs attention “too” (she can see that he gets plenty of attention; she’s been seeing that since the day he was born) or steadfastly refuse to give in to her expressions of frustration (and fury!). I’d try the opposite tack. I’d try giving her a lot of loving attention. I’d try doing everything possible to let her know that you adore her, that you’re there for her for whatever she needs whenever she needs it. If she actually feels this, and doesn’t just hear it, I’d bet the ranch that eventually she will stop being the child who can never be “filled up”—because she will be filled up. Think of it as making a deposit for her future mental health. (And please remember that having and taking care of grandchildren—like having and taking care of children—is about them more than it’s about us. Their needs are paramount. Ours are not meant to be fulfilled by them.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/needy-grandchildren-care-advice.html
no subject
2. "My problem is that I wanted my kids to learn to save money, and now they've saved so MUCH money that I don't think they'll learn anything!" Let them spend their money on candy. The stomachache will teach them the value of quality over quantity.
3. I'm desperate to know what, exactly, LW thinks James should be punishing their kids for if he doesn't think they're doing things that warrant punishment. Like, what are they doing? This is a serious question.
Putting that aside, it doesn't sound like he's neglecting them in any way, even with the lack of punishments (because she didn't cite anything they SHOULD be punished for) so... yeah, it's okay to want to live a life of leisure. Most of us aren't that lucky, but it's not a crime to want to do it.
4. Here's my A+ parenting tip that I wish we'd all internalized when the niblings were little: They're just little! There's no rush!
Repeat it until you believe it.
Also, experiential and play-based learning rules, deskwork drools, especially at this age.
5. This woman needs to to the same corner as the one who hates her husband's granddaughter for having a "smart mouth". What sort of horrible attitude is this to have towards a little girl!?
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(I come from a Southern family, my mother called her parents "Mama" and "Daddy" until they died!)
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Be careful what you wish for, OP #1: this stuff has meaning. I call my mother "Mum" and even "Mother", while my dad remains "Daddy" a good chunk of the time. One of my parents gives me unconditional love and acceptance and the other doesn't.
I'll let you guess which way 'round it is, and how much they each like it.
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There are worse money-management lessons than "yes, you can spend everything you have saved, but if you do that, you'll have to wait a while before buying anything else."
Also, the parents have already cut the children's allowance, without saying anything, because they did save up. That isn't going to teach budgeting. At best it will teach them that they need to keep track of how much they have; it may also teach them to spend their money quickly, before it vanishes.
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2. "The money is accumulating in an account and it's not real money and actually nobody pays attention to it", while it is the correct way to build retirement savings, isn't going to teach kids that age about money. They don't actually have any! They have an account they can't access and don't even have the ability to track! Either give them cash, or give them an allowance on some kind of account they can learn to track and check (and use!) themselves. The reason they haven't been using the money is that using it is the exact same as "ask my parents for things", which is a technique they already know. Make the allowance money theirs in a way that other money isn't that's actually relevant to them, and give them real ownership over it.
3. Those sound like good life goals, LW, if "having a good job where I make enough money to be happy and I'm not constantly under stress" isn't one of your life goals, maybe you should reassess!
4. Natural light is SO IMPORTANT. Locking up little kids away from natural light at that age interferes with everything from their vision to their sleep patterns and emotional regulation. Put him in the school with natural light. Not being used to depression and sleep disruption will serve him way better in college than an extra year of academics.
5. This girl can tell you like her brother better (so can I). Try not doing that, I know it's hard.
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I know some people who say they can't do it that way because when they have any cash they feel like they're rich and just immediately spend it all, but most of those people *also* have issues with spending when they *don't* have cash, so idk.
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But I do it anyway because otherwise it doesn't mean anything to her, in my experience.
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I think electronic tracking can work, but the kid needs to have access, and you need to talk about it with your kids, not just...whatever the hell these parents are doing
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You say you're giving your kids an allowance, but how are they supposed to learn anything about money from it when you're still the one holding on to it and tracking it? Maybe they would understand the value more if it was something tangible instead of a number that's occasionlly checked on a screen (hell, I'm in my late 30s and I still have times where I switch over to paper money because I can budget better that way). Also, if it is supposed to be your daughter's discretionary income, then guess what? She can spend it however she wants.
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We have a similar situation in my family - my sister's 2 1/2 yo daughter is very independent and happy spending most of her time doing her own thing, and my brother's 4 1/2 yo son wants to be the center of attention at all times. And not gonna lie, my nephew exhausts me, but a lot of that is that he's so determined to be the center of attention that he doesn't listen to rules. But you know what? If I pull the kid to the side to read him a story and I talk a little quieter and slower than usual, he'll calm down. And when he's getting that quiet one-on-one time, he'll have a two-way conversation instead of acting like a circus animal. Your granddaughter is 5 and still learning how the world works, why not be gentle and caring with her?
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2. Practicing budgeting probably means trying out spending your money and finding out how it goes. Both spending impulsively and learning if that goes well, and saving up and seeing if it's worth it. If they just "save" by default but don't really feel like the money is theirs, they'll learn the lessons later on when they're risking thousands of dollars instead of tens.
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LW #2: Yeah, I use this method and have run into this with my kids (and the weekly dollar amounts are much less than yours). Where it's really been an issue is when kid says "hey, I want to spend this money on this thing now!" and it's adding more clutter to an already near-hoarder house, or where right now is not the best time to be making a $100 purchase of something that isn't necessary. (In other words, in retrospect cash might have been better, or getting them a reloadable gift card that doesn't expire.)
LW #3: When you say your ex is a Peter Pan type I get one image, but your description doesn't quite fit it. Look, if I could find a job that paid me enough to hire a housekeeper, eat out for every meal, and fly to the beach regularly (and have the TIME to fly to the beach), I'd jump on it. When I was twelve and doing incredibly boring social studies assignments, I found ways to make it more interesting for me instead of enduring boredom unrelieved. There's nothing wrong with that. Kids do have unrealistic ideas about work and adult life (my Youngest has fantasies of being a YouTube star, which I figure are the equivalent of my wanting to be a rock star at the same age), because they haven't done it yet.
Maybe some of your attitude comes from knowing that your kids will have a much harder time getting a middle-class existence than you did. I can identify with that, absolutely. I have a job that, while not fabulously paid, allows me a lot of work at home time and a lot of vacation time, so it looks like I'm not that busy; my kids weren't around for the years I spent building up my skills and experience so I can have this cushy job now. But maybe it's good to raise kids with the expectation that things should be better so that when things are crap they try to find something better instead of accepting The World As It Is.
LW #4: Send your kid to the preschool with lots of play. They have years before they really need to dig into academics.
LW #5: So, I can totally understand finding it more pleasant to chill with the less-demanding child than to interact with the one who takes all the attention you can give and then some, especially if the attention-demander is also having violent tantrums. That said, your statement about your grandson makes me wonder if GD has noticed that you like your grandson more than her.
If you've already tried giving GD large chunks of reliable one-on-one time and that's not working, maybe her parents need to talk to a counselor to make sure there's nothing else going on. But if you haven't done that, that's where I'd start -- reliable, predictable times that are hers alone, so that when she throws a fit about you chilling with your grandson you can say "you had your Nana time; now it's your brother's turn; you'll get more Nana time at $TIME."
You have only two arms? Then that's one for each kid.
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Ha! (And agreed with all the rest, too.)