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Jul. 12th, 2022
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Jul. 12th, 2022 01:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyDear Care and Feeding,
I grew up as the middle child in a home where I was treated very differently than my two siblings. My parents did the minimum required to feed me and keep me safe from death, but they badly abused me, both emotionally and physically. They called me things like lazy, unlovable, and a liar, even when I was just a toddler. My dad frequently called me fat when I was actually underweight. When I was an adult, my dad (rather happily) informed me that I wasn’t really his daughter, though his reason for believing that was completely illogical.
I came close to cutting my parents out of my life several times, but they did try to make amends and helped me out financially quite a bit when I was in my 20s. Now I’m in my 50s and my elderly parents seem to have forgotten the amends they made. My mom, for example, recently told me that I was so lazy as a toddler that I would wet the bed on purpose rather than walk to the bathroom. She denied that I had a severe disabling phobia of bathrooms, even though my siblings remember it well. She also recently accused me of planning to drown my sick kitten. I am quite active as a volunteer for animal rescues, and yet her opinion of me is so incredibly low that she thinks I am capable of such an atrocity. My dad only seems to remember my mistakes in life (not a new development) and reminds me of them often. He still believes that I am not his, but his brothers finally got him to shut up about it.
I know that both my parents came from abusive upbringings. I know that my dad has delusional disorder and is likely a narcissist. I also know that they are quickly becoming demented, though they are physically healthy considering their age.
What responsibilities do I have to be there for them in their old age? My siblings can take care of them for the most part, but if they ask for help, I will have a hard time saying yes. I don’t think my parents deserve my help. I don’t want to help. But should I try to forgive my parents to keep the peace and help my siblings out? I should mention that I don’t have the best relationships with my siblings either, though I am still on speaking terms with all four family members. If they weren’t family, I would not choose to be around them, and I am quite certain that the feeling is mutual since I am the black sheep, an atheist, child-free, and on the autism spectrum. My extended family, including nieces and nephews, often exclude me when socializing, even posting their get-togethers on social media where they know I can see that I wasn’t invited.
I feel guilty about two things: wanting to abandon my family when they need me most and wanting to stick around solely to make sure I am left in their wills. While my parents are not rich, I could end up with maybe $150,000, which would help me out tremendously. They have never threatened to disinherit me, and perhaps they wouldn’t, but it’s literally the only reason I maintain all four relationships. What should I do? I know that blood is thicker than water but where do I draw the line?
— A Burned-Out Black Sheep
( Read more... )
I grew up as the middle child in a home where I was treated very differently than my two siblings. My parents did the minimum required to feed me and keep me safe from death, but they badly abused me, both emotionally and physically. They called me things like lazy, unlovable, and a liar, even when I was just a toddler. My dad frequently called me fat when I was actually underweight. When I was an adult, my dad (rather happily) informed me that I wasn’t really his daughter, though his reason for believing that was completely illogical.
I came close to cutting my parents out of my life several times, but they did try to make amends and helped me out financially quite a bit when I was in my 20s. Now I’m in my 50s and my elderly parents seem to have forgotten the amends they made. My mom, for example, recently told me that I was so lazy as a toddler that I would wet the bed on purpose rather than walk to the bathroom. She denied that I had a severe disabling phobia of bathrooms, even though my siblings remember it well. She also recently accused me of planning to drown my sick kitten. I am quite active as a volunteer for animal rescues, and yet her opinion of me is so incredibly low that she thinks I am capable of such an atrocity. My dad only seems to remember my mistakes in life (not a new development) and reminds me of them often. He still believes that I am not his, but his brothers finally got him to shut up about it.
I know that both my parents came from abusive upbringings. I know that my dad has delusional disorder and is likely a narcissist. I also know that they are quickly becoming demented, though they are physically healthy considering their age.
What responsibilities do I have to be there for them in their old age? My siblings can take care of them for the most part, but if they ask for help, I will have a hard time saying yes. I don’t think my parents deserve my help. I don’t want to help. But should I try to forgive my parents to keep the peace and help my siblings out? I should mention that I don’t have the best relationships with my siblings either, though I am still on speaking terms with all four family members. If they weren’t family, I would not choose to be around them, and I am quite certain that the feeling is mutual since I am the black sheep, an atheist, child-free, and on the autism spectrum. My extended family, including nieces and nephews, often exclude me when socializing, even posting their get-togethers on social media where they know I can see that I wasn’t invited.
I feel guilty about two things: wanting to abandon my family when they need me most and wanting to stick around solely to make sure I am left in their wills. While my parents are not rich, I could end up with maybe $150,000, which would help me out tremendously. They have never threatened to disinherit me, and perhaps they wouldn’t, but it’s literally the only reason I maintain all four relationships. What should I do? I know that blood is thicker than water but where do I draw the line?
— A Burned-Out Black Sheep
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jul. 12th, 2022 01:50 pmconulyDear Care and Feeding,
We recently made a trip to visit my in-laws. The whole time, it seemed like they were criticizing my parenting. A lot of it was unintentional, I realize. For example, we took the kids to the pool, and I was watching them swim while my MIL and the rest of the adults in the family were chatting or reading. But every 20 minutes or so, she would suddenly rush over to the pool to check on the grandkids. If one of them was off in the bathroom or otherwise not in her sight, she’d freak out and yell “Where is ___?!?” It was like she felt that SHE was the one watching them swim instead of me, and she kept talking about how hard and stressful it was to keep track of them. Except … she wasn’t! I was!
Other criticisms were definitely intentional. When we were at a park, my 6-year-old was climbing up a rope ladder on the play structure. My father-in-law said, “Aren’t you worried about her?” I said I was not, and he said, “Well, you should be!” I knew better than to respond, but it was frustrating nonetheless. And the entire weeklong visit was just variations of the in-laws acting like they were the only people standing between my kids and certain death. My father-in-law told the kids to be careful every. single. time. they went up or down stairs (they are 6 and 10! They know how to go up and down stairs!).
My in-laws have always been anxious people, but their fearfulness has clearly reached a new level and it is unbearable to me. Now they have announced that they are coming to visit us later this summer. I feel like I might snap when they inevitably tell the kids to be careful when they are walking up the stairs in their own home. Or act as if my husband and I are not supervising them well enough when they’re playing. Neither of us can think of any productive way to address this. I think if we tell them it bothers us, they will take that as additional evidence that we are not sufficiently cautious when it comes to the kids. Should we try to talk to them or just do our best to ignore these constant remarks? (For what it’s worth, the 10-year-old is also fed up with this, because she feels that they treat her like she’s a toddler. So if we don’t say something, she might!)
—Overcautious Grandparents
( Read more... )
We recently made a trip to visit my in-laws. The whole time, it seemed like they were criticizing my parenting. A lot of it was unintentional, I realize. For example, we took the kids to the pool, and I was watching them swim while my MIL and the rest of the adults in the family were chatting or reading. But every 20 minutes or so, she would suddenly rush over to the pool to check on the grandkids. If one of them was off in the bathroom or otherwise not in her sight, she’d freak out and yell “Where is ___?!?” It was like she felt that SHE was the one watching them swim instead of me, and she kept talking about how hard and stressful it was to keep track of them. Except … she wasn’t! I was!
Other criticisms were definitely intentional. When we were at a park, my 6-year-old was climbing up a rope ladder on the play structure. My father-in-law said, “Aren’t you worried about her?” I said I was not, and he said, “Well, you should be!” I knew better than to respond, but it was frustrating nonetheless. And the entire weeklong visit was just variations of the in-laws acting like they were the only people standing between my kids and certain death. My father-in-law told the kids to be careful every. single. time. they went up or down stairs (they are 6 and 10! They know how to go up and down stairs!).
My in-laws have always been anxious people, but their fearfulness has clearly reached a new level and it is unbearable to me. Now they have announced that they are coming to visit us later this summer. I feel like I might snap when they inevitably tell the kids to be careful when they are walking up the stairs in their own home. Or act as if my husband and I are not supervising them well enough when they’re playing. Neither of us can think of any productive way to address this. I think if we tell them it bothers us, they will take that as additional evidence that we are not sufficiently cautious when it comes to the kids. Should we try to talk to them or just do our best to ignore these constant remarks? (For what it’s worth, the 10-year-old is also fed up with this, because she feels that they treat her like she’s a toddler. So if we don’t say something, she might!)
—Overcautious Grandparents
( Read more... )