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Two letters to Carolyn Hax on a theme
Apr. 6th, 2022 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly1. Dear Carolyn: I am looking for ways to retain a healthy relationship with my parents, who have a history of trying to control me with their anxiety. I have learned the hard way that things that excite me — taking trips abroad, dating someone who doesn’t align with their comfort zone, outdoor adventures — will trigger extreme worry and fear, to the point they will ask me not to do the thing, bargain with me to do it a different way, and, in some circumstances, threaten that my actions will result in extreme detriments to their physical health since they will worry about me the whole time.
To be clear, I have no history of extreme actions — these activities would be considered fairly normal by most people.
As a result, I have built up a boundary so thick they know virtually nothing that goes on in my life outside of general things with my job and where I live. This makes me extremely sad, as I end up keeping major things secret from them to avoid the anxiety roller coaster. It makes me feel like a naughty teenager, and I’m in my 30s.
Is this the only way to retain a civil relationship with my parents? It really hurts, as I’d like to be able to confide in them without fear.
— Emotionally Blackmailed
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Carolyn: Barring changes to the laws of physics, my older sister and I age at the same rate. We are both in our late 40s, but you’d never know it. She has always been visibly and vocally uncomfortable with my choices and milestones. When I got a solo in a school musical, she threw a tantrum. When I joined debate, she cried for a day. When she found out I had my first kiss (14), shaved my legs (14), had sex (19), and went on a road trip to NYC (20), she “told on me” to my parents.
Her behavior shows no signs of stopping. When I was 28, I did a last-minute flight to Paris with friends. The very next day, my sister conferenced my mother into a call to berate me for putting myself at risk for rape and kidnapping. When I got engaged at 33, she tried to intervene. Same as when we bought our house. When I got pregnant at 36, she called me irresponsible and reckless.
My mother insists that’s how my sister shows she cares. My sister still calls herself my “co-parent,” which apparently never stops when the kid grows up. I never cared about my sister’s choices as kids or adults. Who cares what graduate school she picks? But she felt compelled to convene a family meeting to discuss mine. (“It’s too far away, and you’re not responsible enough.”) The irony is my sister’s theatrics never change the outcome of my choices.
How do I get the people in my family to “stop caring so much"? I’ve tried “why do you care/need to know?” and “this is not your business” with no luck.
— One Too Many Sisters
( Read more... )
To be clear, I have no history of extreme actions — these activities would be considered fairly normal by most people.
As a result, I have built up a boundary so thick they know virtually nothing that goes on in my life outside of general things with my job and where I live. This makes me extremely sad, as I end up keeping major things secret from them to avoid the anxiety roller coaster. It makes me feel like a naughty teenager, and I’m in my 30s.
Is this the only way to retain a civil relationship with my parents? It really hurts, as I’d like to be able to confide in them without fear.
— Emotionally Blackmailed
( Read more... )
2. Dear Carolyn: Barring changes to the laws of physics, my older sister and I age at the same rate. We are both in our late 40s, but you’d never know it. She has always been visibly and vocally uncomfortable with my choices and milestones. When I got a solo in a school musical, she threw a tantrum. When I joined debate, she cried for a day. When she found out I had my first kiss (14), shaved my legs (14), had sex (19), and went on a road trip to NYC (20), she “told on me” to my parents.
Her behavior shows no signs of stopping. When I was 28, I did a last-minute flight to Paris with friends. The very next day, my sister conferenced my mother into a call to berate me for putting myself at risk for rape and kidnapping. When I got engaged at 33, she tried to intervene. Same as when we bought our house. When I got pregnant at 36, she called me irresponsible and reckless.
My mother insists that’s how my sister shows she cares. My sister still calls herself my “co-parent,” which apparently never stops when the kid grows up. I never cared about my sister’s choices as kids or adults. Who cares what graduate school she picks? But she felt compelled to convene a family meeting to discuss mine. (“It’s too far away, and you’re not responsible enough.”) The irony is my sister’s theatrics never change the outcome of my choices.
How do I get the people in my family to “stop caring so much"? I’ve tried “why do you care/need to know?” and “this is not your business” with no luck.
— One Too Many Sisters
( Read more... )