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Two letters to Carolyn Hax on a theme
1. Dear Carolyn: I am looking for ways to retain a healthy relationship with my parents, who have a history of trying to control me with their anxiety. I have learned the hard way that things that excite me — taking trips abroad, dating someone who doesn’t align with their comfort zone, outdoor adventures — will trigger extreme worry and fear, to the point they will ask me not to do the thing, bargain with me to do it a different way, and, in some circumstances, threaten that my actions will result in extreme detriments to their physical health since they will worry about me the whole time.
To be clear, I have no history of extreme actions — these activities would be considered fairly normal by most people.
As a result, I have built up a boundary so thick they know virtually nothing that goes on in my life outside of general things with my job and where I live. This makes me extremely sad, as I end up keeping major things secret from them to avoid the anxiety roller coaster. It makes me feel like a naughty teenager, and I’m in my 30s.
Is this the only way to retain a civil relationship with my parents? It really hurts, as I’d like to be able to confide in them without fear.
— Emotionally Blackmailed
Emotionally Blackmailed: How miserable for all of you. I’m so sorry they haven’t taken steps to address their mental health issues; they could be years into having their lives back by now, had they sought timely treatment, and with that a close, functional relationship with you.
Its current distance is not your fault. Not. Your. Fault. No guilt.
I’m pretty sure you know this already, but it is worth saying anyway. You did what was necessary to put your adult autonomy out of reach of their toxic reactions.
As you contemplate inching back toward them, maybe think of this as a relationship elimination diet: You removed your parents from your life almost entirely and got yourself to a healthy place. Now you can start to reintroduce types of interactions with them to see if they trigger a rash.
Start with confiding after the fact. Don’t tell them you’re going on a trip abroad; tell them you went on one as soon as you’ve gotten home safely. This is a basic strategy people use with anxious loved ones — and if it works even minimally, then you’ll be able to talk to your parents about more of what’s happening in your life. If it works ideally, then they will slowly gather proof that your way of life is no more fatal than anyone else’s. (They don’t sound receptive to new information, but I mention this anyway as a point in the strategy’s favor.)
If your parents flip out anyway, about a trip that's already over, then take these disclosures back out of your diet.
Repeat this process with other things you'd like to share with them, adding and removing as their reactions warrant.
It’s also okay for you to acknowledge your thick boundary works and not budge from where you are. You want more of a relationship with them, yes, and that’s a loving impulse — but if they’re not capable of producing any other emotional output, no matter what adjustments you make to the input, then give yourself permission to drop this unreachable goal — and forgive yourself for it, too.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/04/06/carolyn-hax-parents-anxious-secrets/
******
2. Dear Carolyn: Barring changes to the laws of physics, my older sister and I age at the same rate. We are both in our late 40s, but you’d never know it. She has always been visibly and vocally uncomfortable with my choices and milestones. When I got a solo in a school musical, she threw a tantrum. When I joined debate, she cried for a day. When she found out I had my first kiss (14), shaved my legs (14), had sex (19), and went on a road trip to NYC (20), she “told on me” to my parents.
Her behavior shows no signs of stopping. When I was 28, I did a last-minute flight to Paris with friends. The very next day, my sister conferenced my mother into a call to berate me for putting myself at risk for rape and kidnapping. When I got engaged at 33, she tried to intervene. Same as when we bought our house. When I got pregnant at 36, she called me irresponsible and reckless.
My mother insists that’s how my sister shows she cares. My sister still calls herself my “co-parent,” which apparently never stops when the kid grows up. I never cared about my sister’s choices as kids or adults. Who cares what graduate school she picks? But she felt compelled to convene a family meeting to discuss mine. (“It’s too far away, and you’re not responsible enough.”) The irony is my sister’s theatrics never change the outcome of my choices.
How do I get the people in my family to “stop caring so much"? I’ve tried “why do you care/need to know?” and “this is not your business” with no luck.
— One Too Many Sisters
One Too Many Sisters: Stop attending whatever form of “family meeting” she convenes to discuss you and your choices. End the call, leave the room, without explanation.
I wish I had a DeLorean ready for you to time travel back to your glorious impulse trip to Paris so you could pick up that conference call and say, “Love you guys, I’ll call when I get home,” then hang up, then turn off your phone for the rest of the trip.
Instead we’ll have to settle for applying that template forward to all future attempts to meddle. Be kind and fierce and don’t bend an inch to this emotional blackmail.
And if you feel unable to do that — you freeze, you grope helplessly for the right words, you succumb to guilt, you get sucked into explaining or defending yourself — then please allow a therapist to help you break this unhealthy family circuit. Since you are part of the circuit, they need your participation for it to work; they can’t berate you on a disconnected call or question you in an unattended meeting. Therefore, it is entirely within your power to opt out.
And yes, “they.” This is your mom and your sister, not your sister acting alone.
Just prepare yourself for the emotional rearing-up when they realize their usual tactics aren’t having the emotional effect on you they’ve come to expect. Search up “extinction burst” and calmly settle in for the ride.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/26/carolyn-hax-how-to-draw-boundaries-judgy-sister-family/
To be clear, I have no history of extreme actions — these activities would be considered fairly normal by most people.
As a result, I have built up a boundary so thick they know virtually nothing that goes on in my life outside of general things with my job and where I live. This makes me extremely sad, as I end up keeping major things secret from them to avoid the anxiety roller coaster. It makes me feel like a naughty teenager, and I’m in my 30s.
Is this the only way to retain a civil relationship with my parents? It really hurts, as I’d like to be able to confide in them without fear.
— Emotionally Blackmailed
Emotionally Blackmailed: How miserable for all of you. I’m so sorry they haven’t taken steps to address their mental health issues; they could be years into having their lives back by now, had they sought timely treatment, and with that a close, functional relationship with you.
Its current distance is not your fault. Not. Your. Fault. No guilt.
I’m pretty sure you know this already, but it is worth saying anyway. You did what was necessary to put your adult autonomy out of reach of their toxic reactions.
As you contemplate inching back toward them, maybe think of this as a relationship elimination diet: You removed your parents from your life almost entirely and got yourself to a healthy place. Now you can start to reintroduce types of interactions with them to see if they trigger a rash.
Start with confiding after the fact. Don’t tell them you’re going on a trip abroad; tell them you went on one as soon as you’ve gotten home safely. This is a basic strategy people use with anxious loved ones — and if it works even minimally, then you’ll be able to talk to your parents about more of what’s happening in your life. If it works ideally, then they will slowly gather proof that your way of life is no more fatal than anyone else’s. (They don’t sound receptive to new information, but I mention this anyway as a point in the strategy’s favor.)
If your parents flip out anyway, about a trip that's already over, then take these disclosures back out of your diet.
Repeat this process with other things you'd like to share with them, adding and removing as their reactions warrant.
It’s also okay for you to acknowledge your thick boundary works and not budge from where you are. You want more of a relationship with them, yes, and that’s a loving impulse — but if they’re not capable of producing any other emotional output, no matter what adjustments you make to the input, then give yourself permission to drop this unreachable goal — and forgive yourself for it, too.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/04/06/carolyn-hax-parents-anxious-secrets/
2. Dear Carolyn: Barring changes to the laws of physics, my older sister and I age at the same rate. We are both in our late 40s, but you’d never know it. She has always been visibly and vocally uncomfortable with my choices and milestones. When I got a solo in a school musical, she threw a tantrum. When I joined debate, she cried for a day. When she found out I had my first kiss (14), shaved my legs (14), had sex (19), and went on a road trip to NYC (20), she “told on me” to my parents.
Her behavior shows no signs of stopping. When I was 28, I did a last-minute flight to Paris with friends. The very next day, my sister conferenced my mother into a call to berate me for putting myself at risk for rape and kidnapping. When I got engaged at 33, she tried to intervene. Same as when we bought our house. When I got pregnant at 36, she called me irresponsible and reckless.
My mother insists that’s how my sister shows she cares. My sister still calls herself my “co-parent,” which apparently never stops when the kid grows up. I never cared about my sister’s choices as kids or adults. Who cares what graduate school she picks? But she felt compelled to convene a family meeting to discuss mine. (“It’s too far away, and you’re not responsible enough.”) The irony is my sister’s theatrics never change the outcome of my choices.
How do I get the people in my family to “stop caring so much"? I’ve tried “why do you care/need to know?” and “this is not your business” with no luck.
— One Too Many Sisters
One Too Many Sisters: Stop attending whatever form of “family meeting” she convenes to discuss you and your choices. End the call, leave the room, without explanation.
I wish I had a DeLorean ready for you to time travel back to your glorious impulse trip to Paris so you could pick up that conference call and say, “Love you guys, I’ll call when I get home,” then hang up, then turn off your phone for the rest of the trip.
Instead we’ll have to settle for applying that template forward to all future attempts to meddle. Be kind and fierce and don’t bend an inch to this emotional blackmail.
And if you feel unable to do that — you freeze, you grope helplessly for the right words, you succumb to guilt, you get sucked into explaining or defending yourself — then please allow a therapist to help you break this unhealthy family circuit. Since you are part of the circuit, they need your participation for it to work; they can’t berate you on a disconnected call or question you in an unattended meeting. Therefore, it is entirely within your power to opt out.
And yes, “they.” This is your mom and your sister, not your sister acting alone.
Just prepare yourself for the emotional rearing-up when they realize their usual tactics aren’t having the emotional effect on you they’ve come to expect. Search up “extinction burst” and calmly settle in for the ride.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/26/carolyn-hax-how-to-draw-boundaries-judgy-sister-family/
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Absent that, and particularly looking at this from LW's point of view, this acclimatization is simply introducing a known hurtful thing over and over in the hopes that it'll stop hurting. If I burn my finger enough with this match, maybe I'll be able to stick my arm in the fire and it'll be fine. There's the issue of the parent's anxiety, as mentioned, but there's also the issue of how they use that anxiety to be toxic to LW, and that doesn't seem to be addressed. Both are important to solve, but opening up communications will only work if all of them understand the difference between the anxiety and the toxic response to that anxiety.
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My in-laws are like that, too. Fortunately, with them, we have spies.
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But yes, the whole thing is very strange.
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my youngest sister feels that my father didn't raise her and that one of our brothers is her actual Male Parental Figure, but crucially, a) my father moved out when this sister was young and completely abdicated his responsibilities b) my brother is nearly a decade older than she is c) my brother is, to this day (they're in their 30s and 40s), the older sibling she is closest to and goes to for help and advice d) my brother isn't a weird controlling tattletale