A friendly palate-cleanser

[conuly]

By which I mean that the question does not make me angry/sad/worried.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old cis woman with a unique name that is easily and consistently confused with a male name. This has resulted in countless incidents, from minor inconveniences to combative confrontations. I am a CEO, and people usually get very uncomfortable when they realize that they have "misgendered" me.

I have noticed that a lot of people have started to include their chosen pronouns in their email signature lines or other correspondence. I thought this might be an easy and painless way to "announce" my gender.

However, I am somewhat uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I am using an important issue affecting many vulnerable people and co-opting it to solve my stupid personal issue. My questions are:

1. How do I indicate my name and/or gender in a way that is not obnoxious, and that will minimize incidents where people call me by the wrong name or wrong gender (either by email or in person)?

2. Is it morally acceptable for me to list my preferred pronouns in my email or signature lines? And if it's not going to be effective, should I even try?

GENTLE READER: The simplest solution seems to Miss Manners to be to use "Ms." or "Mrs." in parentheses before your name in your correspondence.

As for using, or not using, a separate pronoun line, Miss Manners is in the etiquette, not the morals, business. But she observes that the world is a better place when people do the right thing for the wrong reasons than when they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/11/11

(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My 18-year-old daughter recently started college and is living on campus many hours away from her dad and me. We have a good relationship and talk weekly, but I am worried about her current choices.

I am joint on her bank account, and recently, I saw a large transaction for a purchase at an adult "toy" store. I also know she has been buying and wearing risque clothing while out with friends late at night.

Although I know a lot of this is normal self-discovery, I am worried. I've been honest about the sex addiction (in general terms), and addictive behavior in general, that runs in our family, so she knows what she's up against if she's going down that rabbit hole.

She has been taught from a young age that physical intimacy is a gift from God, given for people who are married to truly give themselves to each other. She's on birth control (which our religion is against, but I can't stop her).

How do I help her through this? I respect her as a young adult (she's truly an awesome human being!), but I am seriously worried she may not realize the physical and mental harm that can come from casual sex and one-night stands (if that is, in fact, what's going on). -- Letting Go Is Hard to Do

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Ask Amy: She is demanding that I change the ‘unfair’ Christmas schedule

[lemonsharks]

My two oldest girls stopped speaking to each other shortly after my husband died eight years ago. There was no big falling-out — just a slow simmering of resentments.

My youngest daughter and I spent years imploring them to work things out, to no avail. It’s an upsetting situation, but, ultimately, we realized that this is not something that we can fix.

After the older girls stopped speaking, my oldest daughter declined to come to any family event that her sister was attending. Consequently, she has not shared a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with all of us in years.

I have continued hosting these events as usual, stressing that everyone is invited. Nonetheless, my oldest has opted to visit me on Christmas morning rather than share a meal with her sister, and she spends Thanksgiving with me only on the rare year when my middle daughter is not in town.

Here is my problem: Two weeks ago, my oldest daughter told me that she doesn’t think it’s fair that her sister gets Christmas dinner, and she only sees me in the morning. She is insisting that I swap them this year.

This puts me in a terrible position. I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell my middle daughter and my grandchildren that they are disinvited for the latter part of Christmas and need to be out of the house by noon.

My youngest daughter tells me that this is an unreasonable request, that this is not my problem, and I should continue to stress that I will host as I have always done with everyone included.

Still, I feel like whatever I do, I’m the bad guy.

How should I handle this?

Frustrated
___

Dear Frustrated: You should not give in to your oldest daughter’s demand. If you do give in, then next year she might decide that she wants to “have you all to herself” on Christmas Day.

You don’t say specifically, but your middle daughter does not seem to be placing these specific demands upon you. If her older sister showed up for a holiday meal, I assume that she and the kids would find a way to handle it.

You are not the “bad guy.” You are the mom, and you should do the mom thing: “I don’t play favorites. I’m hosting Christmas dinner, as usual, and — as usual — I would love for you to come!”

You might add that a great Christmas gift for you would be for these two sisters to reconcile, at least to the point where they can be peacefully and respectfully in each other’s presence during holiday meals.

(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I didn’t tell my parents when I broke up with the girl I had been seeing for nearly two years. It was a friendly breakup, but I knew my parents, especially my mom, really liked her, and hoped we would stay together, and maybe even get married.

My mom called me last night and tore into me because she had run into my ex at the mall, and that is how she found out we weren’t together anymore. Not only is my mom disappointed, but she kept telling me how embarrassing it was to find out this way, by asking my ex when she and I would be coming over for dinner again.

Now I feel like a jerk, but I am also a grown man and do not think I have to tell my mommy every detail of my life. Am I wrong here? --- MY OWN BUSINESS

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