agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I didn’t tell my parents when I broke up with the girl I had been seeing for nearly two years. It was a friendly breakup, but I knew my parents, especially my mom, really liked her, and hoped we would stay together, and maybe even get married.

My mom called me last night and tore into me because she had run into my ex at the mall, and that is how she found out we weren’t together anymore. Not only is my mom disappointed, but she kept telling me how embarrassing it was to find out this way, by asking my ex when she and I would be coming over for dinner again.

Now I feel like a jerk, but I am also a grown man and do not think I have to tell my mommy every detail of my life. Am I wrong here? --- MY OWN BUSINESS

DEAR MY OWN BUSINESS: Yes, as an adult you’re entitled, and expected, to run your own life. But you also have to keep in mind that some aspects of your life spill over into other people’s as well. Not only was it awkward for your mom, but I’m betting it was no picnic for your ex-girlfriend either.

By keeping the breakup from your parents, you really accomplished nothing, because if your concern was upsetting your mom with unwelcome news, not only did she still hear it, but had the extra bonus of being put on the spot in a mutually unpleasant situation with your ex.

The takeaway here is that it’s generally better to break difficult news personally, and in a timely fashion.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2021/11/12

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The advice isn't bad, exactly, but LW already knows that keeping this secret was a strange thing to do. Unless he works out why he did it, the problem isn't solved.

As far as I can see, there are two likely possibilities. Either LW is not so over this "amicable" breakup as he's striving to make it sound and he secretly harbored hopes of getting back together before his parents found out - or there's something deeply wrong with his relationship with Mom and Dad that has historically made it difficult for him to be honest with them.

Only he knows which it is.

eh, I don't know if it's that much of a thing. I've put off telling my mum countless things, because she's intrusive and thinks everything I tell her is, well, a letter to an advice column. It's emotional laziness and an unwillingness to have the conversation or hurt the person who really wants to Have The Conversation™, not something deeply wrong.

I have no way of knowing with LW, but lots of people who love and respect our parents still don't particularly want to deal with sharing details with them. If LW just didn't want to have the inevitable fight with their mother -- "But Amira was so ~great~! You'll never meet a girl who puts up with your hangnails like she did! And when are you going to give me grandbabies?" -- that would explain this as much as something deeply wrong would.

*points upwards*

+½. (For those not familiar, I didn't tell my dad anything about

minoanmiss, although MM did get to meet my mom and they got along famously. I learned fairly early on to put my dad on a limited-information diet.)

This!!!^^^^^

Someone who doesn't tell their parents things does that because they've learned not to. This LW has just been taught not to tell his parents who they're dating. Like, at all.

Yep. I keep my mother on a low-information diet, because anything I share will become ammunition later.

I got MARRIED AND DIVORCED and never told her. (It was a courthouse wedding for health-insurance purposes, but still -- I was with that partner for 7 years!)

lol, my mother is apparently convinced, according my sister, that my partner and I have had a secret courthouse health insurance marriage years ago and not told her. Whether this is because she thinks she's on a much lower information diet than she actually is, or because she needs to believe we're married for her own peace of mind, nobody is sure. I just find it hilarious.

That IS kind of hilarious! :D

oh heck yeah. if i got divorced, my father would hear it through the grapevine, if at all.

The idea of fighting with my own mother over personal news like a breakup feels very odd to me. I would probably consider it some kind of crisis if that started to happen.

(We do occasionally have heated exchanges of opinion, but over things that both of us consider extremely important, for example some terrible stuff that upon reflection is a little beyond the scope of this comments section, and previously stuff like You Need To Tell Us You're Going Somewhere, Don't Just Disappear With The Car.)

With my mum it wouldn't be a fight, just exhausting. She really, really, really wants to give advice. And I'm terrible at just saying "sure, mother, whatever," and ignoring her. For the year after my dad died and the year after my sister died I generally put up with all of it for her sake and it was just so exhausting all the time.

I love her! And I respect her! And I know she loves me! But it's just... a lot.

Like I said, emotional laziness.

Yeah, I have gone out of my way my entire life to keep my parents in the dark about my dating life for reasons including

- they wouldn't approve of sex outside of marriage

- they would want me to get married and have grandbabies

Yes to all of the above, but it sounds like LW did made his girlfriend a part of their family's life, doesn't seem to have kept his relationship away from their prying eyes, and I suppose he knew they could encounter each other randomly too, so it seems to me Conuly's first reason is the Missing Reason.

Edited 2021-11-14 10:17 (UTC)

How long after the breakup did this happen? I'm going to assume "nearly two years" is the length of the relationship, not the time since the breakup, since after that long probably mom wouldn't be expecting dinner anytime soon. So: was it two weeks, and despite the friendly breakup you're still licking your wounds and don't want to talk about it? Or was it three months and when your mom asked *you* about dinner/ex-gf you were vague or avoided giving relevant info? One of those is an awkward and unfortunate coincidence, and one is letting an inevitable timebomb of social awkwardness run down its clock.

Edited 2021-11-15 19:42 (UTC)

I mean, I'm with a lot of y'all here, but particularly

jadelennox. Yes, LW, you shoulda told your mom (unless it was like last week and you're still raw), and not doing so was a waiting for something awkward to happen. But yes, I get it - some conversations with your parents can be so excruciatingly exhausting that you just never want to do it. Belieeeeeve me I get it. There are a couple of topics that I dread talking with mum about, and I love her deeply and see her almost every day. Relationships, sex, and gender are the big ones. If your mom is of a background like mine, those are minefields. But sometimes the hole you walk around to avoid it is so big and obvious that you do have to point it out and have that hard conversation - because any other conversation about the hole will be even harder - because someone will have fallen in.

But, good news - this will pass, and you will have learned a thing or two about what conversations need to be had, and now you just need to figure out how to have them when the time comes. (You might also, as a side effect, have a better idea of what conversations don't need to be had, and how to avoid them.)