agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My 18-year-old daughter recently started college and is living on campus many hours away from her dad and me. We have a good relationship and talk weekly, but I am worried about her current choices.

I am joint on her bank account, and recently, I saw a large transaction for a purchase at an adult "toy" store. I also know she has been buying and wearing risque clothing while out with friends late at night.

Although I know a lot of this is normal self-discovery, I am worried. I've been honest about the sex addiction (in general terms), and addictive behavior in general, that runs in our family, so she knows what she's up against if she's going down that rabbit hole.

She has been taught from a young age that physical intimacy is a gift from God, given for people who are married to truly give themselves to each other. She's on birth control (which our religion is against, but I can't stop her).

How do I help her through this? I respect her as a young adult (she's truly an awesome human being!), but I am seriously worried she may not realize the physical and mental harm that can come from casual sex and one-night stands (if that is, in fact, what's going on). -- Letting Go Is Hard to Do

Dear Letting Go: It's hard for any parent to step aside and watch as their child makes decisions -- and mistakes -- that they wouldn't necessarily make themselves.

But as you said, your daughter is a young adult now, and she's responsible for making her own choices.

It sounds like you two have a solid relationship with regular and open communication. Remind your daughter to keep safety in mind as she meets new people and explores her new home at school. Let her know that you are always there to talk or listen if she needs the support.

Social media and bank transactions may not reflect the whole picture either. Trust that the awesome human being you've raised has a good head on her shoulders and will learn her own lessons at her own pace.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2588888?fs

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LW's daughter needs to read this, wake up, and get her mother off her bank account. She's an adult now, and no longer needs an adult co-signer as she presumably did when she opened it.

As for "sex addiction", there's a reason it's mostly the fundigelical crowd who talks about it, and that reason is that they're the ones who invented it. And I'm not going to say all of those parents are controlling as heck but nevertheless, the sooner LW's daughter takes my sage advice, the better.

apropos of nothing, but getting your mother off your bank account gets more difficult as you get older. I'm 48 and my mother's on my bank account. She certainly doesn't rememeber and she's never checked it (I trust her implictly on this), but it's the same account she cosigned for me as a teenager. By the time I got around to wanting her off of it as a young adult, 9/11 had come and gone, and various banking regulations had been put in place to make it so the only way to get a cosigner off the account was to close it and open a new one. And, well, direct deposits exist, and autopays, and it's never been worth it to go through all the paperwork.

If my mother logged in to check my transactions, though, I'd close the account in a new york minute. LW's daughter does need to jump through all the hoops.

Edited (bad preposition and clarification) 2021-11-13 21:21 (UTC)

I have just run into this as well! I really should make a new account but it would just disrupt so much, ugh.

And also I totally agree with you about LW's daughter.

Wait, what? Your parents have access to your bank account? OMGWTFBBQBYOBNOOOOOOO!

Why yes I am still using the account they set up for me in college, and yes, I should have remedied that a LONG time ago. Yes, I know.

Oh shit, my dad is on my main account and he just died. That may take Some Doing.

Getting someone off your bank account may be hard, but starting a new account of your own is easy if you have ID and you're of age. Yours, mine, ours. 3 accounts.

As for "sex addiction", there's a reason it's mostly the fundigelical crowd who talks about it, and that reason is that they're the ones who invented it.

Indeed! Let's look at some studies on concern about porn addiction and its relative correlations with amount of porn consumed vs. membership in a religious group that condemns sexuality. I'll bring snacks.

If the worst thing on there is a splurge at a sex toy shop, LW, I probably wouldn't be worried that it's a sign she's having a lot of wild parties and one-night stands.

Congratulate her on choosing to explore solo until she's sure she knows what she wants from a partner, and send her a link to Oh Joy Sex Toy. This will at the very least ensure you see no evidence of any other related purchases!

If the worst thing on there is a splurge at a sex toy shop, LW, I probably wouldn't be worried that it's a sign she's having a lot of wild parties and one-night stands.

You're using actual logic that actually works, not Conservative Christian logic. The latter holds that the only way people leave the Straight And Narrow Path of Righteousness is by taking a swan dive right to the bottom of the Pit of Perversion. I remember it (unfondly).

Good luck, LW's daughter, you're going to need it!

That slope is slippery because it's covered with Astroglide!

*snerk*

*giggles helplessly*

Well, I kind of enjoyed taking a swan dive right to the bottom of the Pit of Perversion with you, truth be told.

blushes blushes some more Yeah, I meant I remembered that kind of logic unfondly. The Pit of Perversion is another thing. But that's another discussion.

blushes and beams at you

So you'd be most likely to know: is the Pit of Perversion anywhere near the Lake of Fire and Brimstone? Or is it one of those "Yah cahn't get thayuh from heah" kinda things?

Depends on whose sermon you're listening to, but in my childhood they were generally described as neighbors, yeah.

*shoulders-up-to-ears cringe*

I really hope that the daughter finds out ASAP that her purchases are being surveilled, and takes steps to protect her privacy.

Oh my god I want to send the daughter this letter and take her to the bank to get her own account and remind her that the entire Christianist take toward sex is garbage.

Yes the entire mom

*contributes gas money, homemade candy, and at least one book on being an exvangelical*

Edited 2021-11-14 08:39 (UTC)

In 4 weeks or so after the daughter visits home for winter break:

AITA for being upset that my mom is monitoring my bank account and gave me the third degree over a sex toy and gave me pamphlets about sex addiction?