Two Dear Prudence letters about people who need to get OUT of their abusive relationships

[conuly]

Plus a bonus one from Dear Harriette

1. Dear Prudence,

I recently discovered that my boyfriend of almost two years, Adam, was stalking me for over a year before we met. For context: This is the best relationship I’ve ever had and until recently, I would have told you that Adam was perfect for me. He is thoughtful, funny, caring, and so supportive. I was violently abused growing up and all my relationships before Adam were with guys who hit me too—Adam has never been violent and encouraged me to see a therapist last year to help me through my trauma and internalized homophobia (I’m a gay man). Therapy went well, and it meant the world to me how kind and supportive Adam was throughout.

We moved in together quite recently.

It was when I was on his computer to print something that I found a file with my name in it. (I did a search for my full name to quickly find the document I had sent over to print, and this other one came up as buried within some folder of Adam’s.) The document had last been edited in 2019, before we met. I opened it, and felt like I’d stepped into a horror movie. It was full of information about me: jobs, hobbies, friends, ex-boyfriends, favorite coffee shop (the place where we officially “met” in what seemed to me like a cute coincidence). More chillingly, it contained details of my addresses and my ex-boyfriend’s address.

Adam walked in on me looking at it, and I just started yelling at him, demanding to know what the hell this was. He stalled for a while, then admitted everything. He had first seen me playing piano at a jazz bar he likes (I’m a musician), but I’d blow him off when he tried to talk to me there (I had a boyfriend at the time). He said he “couldn’t get me out of his head” and ended up wanting to know more about me after seeing me there every week, so he started following me. He claims it started innocently enough with standard social media “stalking” but “just sort of escalated.” He said he had never been this obsessive about anyone else, which I think I believe, as I’ve met his ex and they’re on perfectly cordial terms (his ex was friendly and certainly didn’t mention anything along the lines of “by the way, he stalked me”).

I was deeply freaked out and panicked but Adam persuaded me to stay; we’re currently sleeping in separate rooms because I feel so weird around him right now. I wanted to talk to a friend but he begged me not to, saying they wouldn’t understand and that my friends shouldn’t “get a vote in our relationship.” I know this is crazy of me but I am genuinely conflicted. I wish I’d never seen the document. I still love him more than anyone else I’ve ever known and honestly want to give him a chance, since he’s begged forgiveness and said he’ll do anything I want to prove himself trustworthy again. Is there anything he could do that would prove that? Am I being unbelievably stupid for even considering this not a dealbreaker? I feel trapped and slightly crazy right now. Please help.

—Am I Being Crazy?

( Read more... )

2. Dear Prudence,

I have been with my fiancé for three and a half years, engaged for one year. We have been through a lot together (both good and bad) and have sacrificed things for each other (family, friends, time, money, etc.). We are opposites, and disagree on much, but have a deep and profound emotional connection.

I called off our wedding because I went through his phone and found him sexting many women, complete with pictures and videos. (It should be noted that in the begging of our relationship he flirted with someone he used to have casual sex with on the phone also.) He also was inappropriate with a female friend, sending her pictures of himself in panties.

He has since stopped talking to other women and the friend, but I’m worried about his future behavior. He claims he only did these things because I was acting like a zombie at home, being quiet and distant. He won’t promise me he won’t do these things anymore unless I promise I won’t resent him again. We are actively seeking couples’ therapy, but he’s constantly saying he can’t wait until the therapist tells me I’m wrong on everything. I’m tired of him blowing up on me and acting spiteful during our constant fights, and I’m not sure if he’s worth being with anymore, even though we both love each other so much.

— Loyal to the End

( Read more... )

3. DEAR HARRIETTE: When my husband drinks, he gets nasty -- and he drinks a lot. Worse still, the next day he doesn't remember what he did or said the night before. I feel like this behavior only got worse while we were home for so long due to COVID-19. I have had enough. I’m tired of him cursing at me, telling me I don’t know anything, screaming and then telling me I’m crazy for saying he’s screaming. It really is out of control. Plus, we have started hanging out with other people of late, and he has embarrassed me around them. It’s bad enough for him to berate me privately, but now he has done it in front of witnesses. What can I do to get him to stop? When he is sober, he is kind and sometimes funny, but he has no recollection of that other side. -- Dr. Jekyll

( Read more... )

Part-time Professor's Students Show Insufficient Deference

[conuly]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a part-time university professor, I have of late been receiving emails from students who use the closing salutations "Best" and "Best regards." A bit of research reveals that many websites do recommend use of these terms by students.

Personally, I find these closings to be far too personal. They actually rankle me.

One way to find alternatives to such terms is to examine advice on writing to judges. After all, we as professors are, in effect, judging students' mastery of a subject and assigning them a grade. You'd never sign a letter or an email to a judge using "Best" or "Best regards," or even "Regards."

One would use "Respectfully," or similar terms. I find "Respectfully" or "Respectfully yours" far preferable to "Best," "All the best" or some such when writing to a professor.

Moreover, a simple "Thank you" at the end of an email in which a student is asking for a meeting, or to revisit an assignment, etc., seems quite sufficient to me, and does not verge across the line into overfamiliarity. What do you think?

( You're not actually a judge, buddy )

(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I was deeply hurt after going to a barbecue at my oldest daughter's home. It was to celebrate my granddaughter's fourth birthday. My daughter's husband is from Thailand. He barbecued beautiful dishes of shrimp and something that looked like a gigantic crawfish. While my daughter is accustomed to and enjoys this food, she and her husband are aware that I, my husband, her sister and her niece are not accustomed to it. We simply do not like the flavor and texture.

When I asked my daughter if there were any hot dogs they could grill, at least for my 9-year-old granddaughter, she got angry and said she eats what her husband cooks. I felt our part of the family was not even being considered. I was hurt for my youngest daughter and my other granddaughter, who had literally nothing to eat that they would even remotely like. Am I wrong for feeling ignored being invited to a barbecue where my daughter knew all the food being offered were things we wouldn't like? -- RUINED MY APPETITE

( Read more... )

a coworker prayed for my fiancé’s death so we didn’t invite her to our wedding: there's an update!

[beable]

https://www.askamanager.org/2021/10/update-a-coworker-prayed-for-my-fiances-death-so-we-didnt-invite-her-to-our-wedding-and-now-there-is-drama.html

( I blamed toxic Christianity. But it turns out Sally is a stalker )