(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR NATALIE: I’m going out to Los Angeles next month to visit my daughter who is in design school. We haven’t been able to see her through the entire pandemic, but now that I’m vaccinated -- and she will be by next week -- we are looking forward to reuniting. It is also my birthday when I go to visit, so we wanted to plan something special to do. However, she is dating this new woman and wants me to meet her. I bristled at the fact because I haven’t seen her in so long and do not want to share my time with her while I’m there. I’m only going for five days and want to make the most of it. She became upset and acted like I don’t want to meet her new partner -- and then made some comment that it is because she is a woman. I am in no way homophobic and was really hurt that she insinuated that. We had an argument and haven’t spoken in three days -- which is a long time for us to go without talking. I am annoyed with this whole situation and just want to move beyond it. I don’t want to meet her new girlfriend because of the timing, not because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices. How do I get this visit back on track so that we can have a fun time together? I just miss my little girl.

—A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION

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Dear Sexual Healing: My stunning wife makes no effort with our sex life and I’m losing all interest

[jadelennox]

My wife and I have been married for several years. Over the past six months, I have felt my overall sexual attraction to her diminishing to the point that, even though she is absolutely stunning (she could be a model, which I am reminded of by strangers almost every time we go out together), I no longer find myself sexually attracted to her at all. At the start of our relationship, the sex was OK and we were very sexually active for the first two years. I have explained to her that she lacks passion, no matter how much energy I bring. She rarely initiates sex, and when she does, she simply says: “We should have sex tonight,” which is a turn-off. In our last conversation, she said she is just shy. After several conversations, she said she understood what she needed to do and would work on it, but shortly afterwards she asked for sex outright without any real effort with mood or energy, so I just didn’t feel up to it and turned her down again. Two months on, she has settled back into just avoiding it. She is a lovely, caring woman, but my patience has worn thin, which sucks in such a young marriage. I don’t know what to do.

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My stunning wife makes no effort with our sex life – and I’m losing all interest

My Best Friend Refuses to Be My Kid’s Designated Guardian

[beable]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a single mom of an amazing 6-year-old boy. I asked my best friend if she would be his guardian if anything happened to me, and she said no.

She’s always said she didn’t want children, but she’s so great with my son that it really shocked me when she turned me down. I’m not close to my family, and I wouldn’t want them raising him because of our different values. My son’s father has never been in the picture; he would have absolutely no interest in raising my son, and I wouldn’t want him to. My friend has babysat my son and even had him for weekends, so I know how good she is with him and he loves her. She is a great person, but not conventionally attractive, and she’s never been in a relationship. I think she’s always said she didn’t want children because she knew that wasn’t in the cards for her. Maybe it has become such a habit that she actually believes it now. I think she would make a wonderful mother.

She’s the only person I want to raise my son if I’m not around, so I’m thinking I have two options: 1) Work on convincing her. She always comes around if I keep at her long enough. Or 2) Drop it for now, and express my preference in my will and leave a sealed letter detailing why she’s the only person I trust with my son. Which option is best? Or is there a better way to convince my friend that she should take my son? I’m not ill or dying, I just want this sorted out for my peace of mind.

—Please Be My Son’s Guardian

Dear Please,

Both of these “options” are absolutely appalling! Don’t attempt to pester or guilt your friend into changing her mind, and don’t just make her de facto guardian without her consent! NEITHER. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think you might be working from a very strange definition of “friendship”—perhaps it’s worth stopping to ask yourself whether you’re really this person’s friend. Do you respect her and what she says? Do you genuinely value her as a person and care about what she wants? Or are you only interested in getting what you want from her?

I’m not even going to go into your bizarre, condescending theory that she only said she doesn’t want children because … she’s not conventionally attractive??? Instead, let us focus on the actual facts: Being good with your kid, babysitting him on the occasional weekend, even caring for and loving him, is not the same thing as being his parent. Your friend has told you that she doesn’t want to be your son’s guardian. Even if you are right that she would be a wonderful mother, that is not what she wants. You asked; she said no; that should be the end of it. Respect her, respect her decision, and make a different guardianship plan.

I’m Devastated My Daughter Secretly Contacted Her Birth Mother

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Last week my 17-year-old was showing me something on her phone when I noticed a text from “B.M.” When questioned, she admitted it was her bio mom. Apparently, when she went through our files a few months ago looking for her Social Security number, she found some adoption records with her biological mom’s name and a little bit of info, and she used it to find her on Facebook. We did a closed adoption and have never had contact with the woman. I am in shock since my daughter has always accepted us as her parents. I didn’t think she cared who her bio parents were, or about being adopted. Sure, she occasionally would have questions about where she came from, and we talked openly about her adoption, but it was just something that existed that we didn’t really acknowledge regularly. Apparently they’ve been talking for about three months, but she hadn’t told me because she was afraid we wouldn’t approve or we would think it was a rejection of us.

They’re planning to meet at a coffee shop, and from the messages, bio mom sounds very eager to meet my daughter. I know I should be happy that they’ve been reunited, but I can’t help feeling hurt and rejected, like I’m not enough for her. I am terrified that this woman might try to take over my role in her life and become her mother figure in adulthood. I’m also apprehensive because my daughter has kept their relationship a secret. It worries me that they have been talking behind my back.

The main reason I’m writing is because my daughter is now wanting to involve me in the in-person reunion, and her bio mom wants to meet me too (we never met when I picked my daughter up from the hospital). I don’t want to go. I appreciate this woman for giving me my daughter, but I chose a closed adoption for a reason. I feel that trying to include bio mom in our lives will make things more complicated and likely end up with heartbreak for my daughter if things end up going badly. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. Part of me believes I should go if my daughter wants me to, but I can’t help feeling like there will be a lot of tension. I am concerned, at the same time, that turning her down could lead to her pushing me away and toward her bio mom … but I’m also concerned that the same could happen if she meets bio mom and decides that she’s more her mom than I am.

—Tale of Two Moms

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Two letters on kids' sexual orientation

[conuly]

I already posted one letter from this specific column, just below, here are two more. They're similar enough in theme that it made sense to group them together.

***

My 13-year-old daughter is a free spirit. She is the first one to stick up for the underdog (animal rights, women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, LGBTQ rights, etc.). Recently she has told us that she might like girls but she is not sure, and my husband and I have told her that no matter who she chooses to love, we will love and support her. The trouble is that because she has spoken openly about how she might be bisexual, she is being picked on at school by boys who used to like her. She does not shy away from who she is, but she is bothered by how she is being treated. We are a religious family and my daughter is being told by some of these boys that being gay is a sin and that she is not going to heaven, which makes her feel awful. I’m not sure how to help her! Is there anything I can do other than to tell her that she has our support?

—Confused Parent

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***

Recently, I was going through my 15-year-old daughter’s phone (I believe parents have the right to know what their kids are doing/seeing online), and I stumbled upon several Google searches on the topic of asexuality. I don’t know what to do with this information, and I’m concerned that my daughter thinks she is asexual. That would mean she’s been having sex and decided she didn’t like it, right? How else would she know? Should I confront her about it? I don’t want her to decide this about herself at 15 and then hold on to it forever, especially because I would like her to settle down and have kids someday. I’m worrying too much about nothing, right?

—Fifteen Is Too Young

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https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/search-birth-parents-adoption-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html