My Best Friend Refuses to Be My Kid’s Designated Guardian

[beable]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a single mom of an amazing 6-year-old boy. I asked my best friend if she would be his guardian if anything happened to me, and she said no.

She’s always said she didn’t want children, but she’s so great with my son that it really shocked me when she turned me down. I’m not close to my family, and I wouldn’t want them raising him because of our different values. My son’s father has never been in the picture; he would have absolutely no interest in raising my son, and I wouldn’t want him to. My friend has babysat my son and even had him for weekends, so I know how good she is with him and he loves her. She is a great person, but not conventionally attractive, and she’s never been in a relationship. I think she’s always said she didn’t want children because she knew that wasn’t in the cards for her. Maybe it has become such a habit that she actually believes it now. I think she would make a wonderful mother.

She’s the only person I want to raise my son if I’m not around, so I’m thinking I have two options: 1) Work on convincing her. She always comes around if I keep at her long enough. Or 2) Drop it for now, and express my preference in my will and leave a sealed letter detailing why she’s the only person I trust with my son. Which option is best? Or is there a better way to convince my friend that she should take my son? I’m not ill or dying, I just want this sorted out for my peace of mind.

—Please Be My Son’s Guardian

Dear Please,

Both of these “options” are absolutely appalling! Don’t attempt to pester or guilt your friend into changing her mind, and don’t just make her de facto guardian without her consent! NEITHER. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think you might be working from a very strange definition of “friendship”—perhaps it’s worth stopping to ask yourself whether you’re really this person’s friend. Do you respect her and what she says? Do you genuinely value her as a person and care about what she wants? Or are you only interested in getting what you want from her?

I’m not even going to go into your bizarre, condescending theory that she only said she doesn’t want children because … she’s not conventionally attractive??? Instead, let us focus on the actual facts: Being good with your kid, babysitting him on the occasional weekend, even caring for and loving him, is not the same thing as being his parent. Your friend has told you that she doesn’t want to be your son’s guardian. Even if you are right that she would be a wonderful mother, that is not what she wants. You asked; she said no; that should be the end of it. Respect her, respect her decision, and make a different guardianship plan.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

With friends like this....

[beable]

LW is full of so many bees I don't even.
If I saw this letter and recognized myself as the friend (and the LW) then LW would be rapidly fast-tracked to former friend, and I would certainly never babysit again.

I do like the response (both the actual advice and that Nicole did not let the condescension about acctractiveness slide).

Dear LW:
1) Fuck you
2) It's possible to actively like kids and their company WITHOUT wanting to parent any (whether directly or as a guardianship backup)
3) You are a shitty friend
4) Fuck you

[purlewe]

this. so much this.

[mommy]

Exactly.

[azurelunatic]

OMFG no.

Stop keeping at her about anything.

[misbegotten]

You are a shitty friend.

[conuly]

0.o

[ghoti]

I like and am good with kids WHO I CAN GIVE BACK TO THEIR PARENT(S).

[fred_mouse]

No. a thousand times no. Your friend is a good auntie, that doesn't mean they would be a good parent. Enjoying time with them doesn't mean that you can a) cope with having a small around all the time b) have any desire to be responsible for them or c) have any of the other many important skills parents need.

[neotoma]

Why the heck do people not believe "I don't want kids"? I like kids the way I like kittens -- they're cute as heck, they're fun to be with for an hour or two, and I in no way want full-time responsibility for one.

I'm glad the advice columnist is against both options and is calling out the LW for their plans, and also for their assumptions about their friend.

[ambyr]

Coincidentally, I recent encountered this song. Perhaps if it was played loudly on repeat around LW long enough, she would grasp the concept...

[melannen]

I am, I think, a little more sympathetic to LW than most of you. Like, I believe there is a moral difference between "I don't want to become a parent" and "I will not take in this already-existing child, who is already independent enough to visit me for several days in a row, even if the alternative is for him to be alone among strangers." I would like to think that if any of my friends I cared about were at risk of homelessness, and I had the ability to give them a stable place to stay long enough to get them on their feet, I would, regardless of age, even if it was hard, and I would like to think my friends would do the same. And kudos to LW for trying to make these arrangements in advance - too many parents don't, because it *is* a very hard thing to ask of someone.

Of course, it is also very shitty to tell someone, in advance, "If I die and you haven't already agreed to take my kid in, they will be left homeless and alone among strangers". That's emotional blackmail AT BEST, even if it's true. And also sometimes the unyielding answer is that they *don't* have the capacity to take someone in - financial, logistical, emotional, physical - leaving aside all of the other EXTREMELY SHITTY things LW said about their "friend" in this letter, that makes one wonder if they even are a good enough friend to them for that kind of expectation.

LW: If there really isn't anyone else in your son's life you would feel comfortable designating as guardian, you need to increase your own support network, and his. Pandemic makes that extra hard, I know. Even if you don't have any family you're interested in him building connections with, you can reach out in other directions. Does he have any friends whose parents you could trust with him? (If not, why not??) Even if you aren't interested in either direction in having a relationship with his father, could you reach out to grandparents, aunts or uncles on that side? (Those are people he might go to if his father couldn't take him and he didn't have any other designated guardian - so if they're open to it, it's probably worth at least opening a line of communication, at least enough to find out if any of them are good people, and enough for him to know who they are.) Do you have other friends? Can you find a religious or community group to start building connections through? Get to know your neighbors?

Of course, given what LW says about their "best friend" in this letter, it seems likely that they have actively driven away all the other adults in their life due to being shitty to them (and possibly best friend *does* have issues with not feeling worthy of love, given that they're still friends with LW...) so the first step is probably to work on your own issues enough to have friends, and to learn to be a better friend to the one you have (hint: you are doing a very bad job at it right now.)

If, after doing all that, you still think this friend is the best choice as guardian, you can think about asking again, but this time, remember that they don't want to be a parent, and don't ask them to be one! Your son probably won't want a new mom at that point in his life anyway. Instead ask them if they'd be willing to take in your child temporarily in an emergency situation. And look deeply into what might be involved, logistically and legally (that is different from just "become a parent!") if the friend did become guardian - and talk it over with them on those terms, so that what you are asking becomes a little more concrete for both of you.

Are they already set up as an emergency contact for your son if you are temporarily unable to care for him? If not, would they be willing to do that at least? (You should also have something like that set up if you don't already! The odds that you will end up sick or separated in an emergency are at least as high as that you'll die, and you don't want him sent to his dad while you're in the hospital just because the state thinks that's best.) Would they be willing to be designated as a temporary "non-related kinship care" foster parent if you died, with help from the state, until a permanent situation was found for him? What can you do in advance to set that up? Etc.

And they may not want to agree to any of it - not even being on the list to pick the kid up from school - because they don't want to be a parent. And also because, LW, I'm kind of getting a vibe from you that you are trying to make this person a coparent already. It's very nice to have coparents. I believe every kid should have as many coparents as possible. But trying to sneak someone in as ongoing coparent without even asking is also very different from asking them to help you out in a horrible situation, and they can probably tell the difference.

P.S.: Most women don't have to be capable of maintaining relationships in order to acquire a kid. You're proof of that! If she wanted one enough to be a single parent she would have one already.

[cereta]

I do agree about the sympathy. This would come up every so often on booju-newju over on LJ, usually in the form of, "my sibling has died and left X number of children. I am literally the only person who can take care of them, but my spouse absolutely refuses to agree to it, and wants them to go into foster care." Given that the thought of my daughter going into foster care literally makes my stomach clench, I ... have issues there. One of my friends is the most staunchly childfree people I know, and I have no doubt that at the very least, she would take my daughter until some other arrangement could be made.

That said, LW is absolutely in the wrong and doesn't sound like a very good person herself.

I like your suggestions for alternatives. The religion angle is a good one if the LW is actively religious (like, goes to services/participates in events), because it ups the chances that you can find someone the kid already knows and likes.

Also, don't forget, these decisions aren't permanent. We had my family down as Teenager's guardian when she was tiny (with a friend who lived in the same city as my family as back up). As she got older, staying here in the city she's lived her whole life in, and with adults she knows much better than she knows my siblings) became more important (plus I really don't want my siblings raising her), so we changed it to a local friend who is her "Aunt." It's possible that LW's friend will feel different when the kid is 14 and more self-sufficient. Or she may not. But if LW drives her friend away by pressing on this matter, that will definitely not happen.

[melannen]

Yeah, there are many, many good reasons to be skeptical of/actively hostile to organized religion - but if you need a local found family, any found family, in a tearing hurry, a community-level religious gathering is still the best place I know to start.

[cereta]

*nods*

I mean, I'm a progressive Catholic, and I can easily think of five families whose values more or less align with ours who would be more than willing to take the Teenager, especially since we've made sure that money isn't an issue.

(Hey, LW: if you don't have a good life insurance policy - and I'm talking triple digits if you can at all afford it - get one now. Money is often a barrier to guardianship.)

[minoanmiss]

You know the shape of my household, and we've had a few conversations about these issues over the years. In fact this may spark another one (once I get my work done ahahahha). I just.... I don't think anyone here disapproves of (or dismisses the importance of) the LW's trying to figure out what happens to her kid if necessary, just of how she wants to go about it.

[beable]

Definitely.
For example - while I am not a huge kid person then for several of my close friends if they were to ask me something like this I would probably say yes because stability.

My objection is the LW's assumption that she can push her friend who had a boundary on that front into it ignoring boundaries and also her fucked up assumptions about friend's looks vis a vis why they aren't a parent.

[cereta]

Oh, no, I don't think anyone was disapproving/dismissing. My response was mostly emotional, for reasons that are long and twisty and complicated and go back like 40 years.

One thing I'd be really curious to know is the kid's perspective. Six is old enough to understand death, and even that parents die. I'm not saying do what the kid says, but it might give LW some insight to talk to him.

[minoanmiss]

The thing is, if LW's friend had written the letter ("I have a shitty condescending friend who negs me about my appearance and wants me to agree to take her kid if something happens to her despite my expressed desire to not raise a kid") my advice might be partially different. I really understand the necessity of making arrangements for one's kid to be cared for if something happens to one, more than I want to talk abut at the moment, but I can't agree that that necessity supercedes treating one's friends decently. ETA Or, to put it another way, there is a difference between an action being a good one to take and it being a good idea to browbeat someone into that action, and I think what you're interpreting as our callousness towards this child is actually our horror at the LW his mother.

[melannen]

I didn't mean to accuse other people in these comments of being callous about the kid's well-being, and I'm sorry it came off that way! Actually I think I might even be less sympathetic if LW's friend had written the letter - in that case I might be more likely to answer, "It's not your responsibility to figure out what happens to someone else's kid, and if you don't want to be their guardian, you are probably not the best person to be their guardian anyway." I am a little sympathetic to LW, but only a *little* sympathetic!

But I do think there is a tendency for people in some communities to jump in on defending the right to be childfree by choice when a situation is more complicated than that? Like, I think if this letter had said, "I want to ask my friend to be guardian of my child who she loves if I die, but she has told me she never wants to be a parent. It is disrespectful for me to ask anyway?" many people who commented here about not wanting kids might have answered differently.

The problem is that LW is being shitty to her friend in general, and in particular not respecting a no once given, and in particular particular considering unilaterally overriding that no, and I think I think we all agree on that. And I do see how that intersects specifically with how childfree people see their no's not respected all the time, and so people react to the childfree part in particular.

But also, even as a person who doesn't have kids myself, being flat told by a best friend I trusted that they would rather see my kid in foster care/with estranged family than take them in would hurt, that is fair to acknowledge, and if LW had been less shitty about their friendship in general (reiterate: LW is just plain a bad friend, all child issues aside) I might also focus on telling LW to work through that hurt in their own space (and away from their friend!)

[minoanmiss]

I thought a bit about how much of my life to mention in this comment, not least because I'm talking about my intersection with others' lives, but... to a first approximation I have been asked a similar question to the one LW asked her friend, and I gave the mostly-opposite mostly-yes answer. (To a first approximation. A lot of the details are different.) So I'm not coming at this from a particularly childfree perspective. (I'm more childless than childfree anyway, but again, complicated.) Although, that said, childfree people are besieged by society concerning their personal choices regarding children, and that should have stopped long agot.

For me, the thing is...

being flat told by a best friend I trusted that they would rather see my kid in foster care/with estranged family than take them in would hurt

has LW's friend actually or effectively said this to LW? I had said in the first version of my earlier comment that there's a range between abandoning the bereaved child and immediately assuming all the responsibilities of a parent, both proximate and ultimate. I don't think that LW's friend's refusal to do the latter actually constitutes the statement you've postulated here, or rather, that it has to. And I really don't think any of us were endorsing that statement.

(Also, as Lilysea points out, a willing volunteer foster parent could possibly be a better caretaker than an unequipped and resentful family friend. We can't guarantee, of course. )

[melannen]

Please don't feel obligated to reveal any of your life here! I think we're basically in agreement anyway, I'm just not communicating well, and this isn't a good topic to communicate badly at.

I am a person who IDs as childfree, but for a set of reasons that would mostly stop applying in a situation like the one in the letter, so I think I overreacted to the responses that implied no childfree person could or should be expected to do that (your response wasn't one of the ones I was looking sideways at, ftr) and I know quite a few people in my RL circles who've ended up taking in kids they didn't expect to, for all sorts of reasons.

We only have LW's side of the story, but LW gives the response as a flat no, so that seems to be how they are taking it? But that's why I suggested that if she does other work to be a better friend, and still decides to bring it back up, she starts by suggesting options other than becoming guardian.

But none of that negates that if someone doesn't want to take on a child, they shouldn't, and that should be the only answer they need to give, I think we are 100% in agreement with that.

[lilysea]

Even before I became Disabled/chronically ill, I would never have accepted guardianship for someone's child.

Back when I was healthy, I had:

- a very stressful full time job with long hours and a long commute

- a tiny flat/apartment

- Not enough money left over after rent and medical bills for paid childcare

- I am not emotionally equipped to parent for a wide range of reasons

- There are SO MANY excellent foster parents and foster-to-adopt parents. People talk about foster care like it's terrible and it CAN be... but often an excellent foster parent or a foster-to-adopt parent is a better choice than an unenthusiastic friend or relative who has been guilt-tripped into agreeing to be a guardian.

[melannen]

Those are all excellent and valid reasons, because they are your reasons. Also you don't need to list your reasons! You can just not want to take in a child.

But I guess I just wanted to point out that there's a tendency in childfree-related discussions to focus on people who either absolutely do not ever want children, or who have circumstances in their life that they don't think will ever allow them to have a child. But there are also lots of childfree people who just feel equivocal about having kids and don't think feeling equivocal is a good enough reason to create a person, and those people can get excluded from discussions and communities by people who think they are supporting childfree.

And there are also lots of people who do have kids already who wouldn't take in someone else's, and that's also valid, and often a very good choice because they wouldn't have the capacity to do right by them. Whether you want to, or feel equipped to, have kids of your own is not really the determiner in whether you can, or want to, take in someone else's kid who needs help. I think both LW and the original answers were ignoring that.

The question of foster care is very complicated and very dependent on individual circumstances. And the percent of foster kids who are abused in placements is much higher than the percent of foster *parents* who are abusive, because the bad placements tend to have much higher turnover (and also a fair amount of abuse of foster kids happens at the hands of older foster kids, and abusive kids also tend to cycle through a lot of placements instead of being helped.) But there are very good reasons why most systems try very hard to keep kids with family or friends when they can, even if the family/friends need more in terms of financial or social assistance.