agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR NATALIE: I’m going out to Los Angeles next month to visit my daughter who is in design school. We haven’t been able to see her through the entire pandemic, but now that I’m vaccinated -- and she will be by next week -- we are looking forward to reuniting. It is also my birthday when I go to visit, so we wanted to plan something special to do. However, she is dating this new woman and wants me to meet her. I bristled at the fact because I haven’t seen her in so long and do not want to share my time with her while I’m there. I’m only going for five days and want to make the most of it. She became upset and acted like I don’t want to meet her new partner -- and then made some comment that it is because she is a woman. I am in no way homophobic and was really hurt that she insinuated that. We had an argument and haven’t spoken in three days -- which is a long time for us to go without talking. I am annoyed with this whole situation and just want to move beyond it. I don’t want to meet her new girlfriend because of the timing, not because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices. How do I get this visit back on track so that we can have a fun time together? I just miss my little girl.

—A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION

DEAR A MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION: Before we go any further, I want to clarify that your daughter’s “lifestyle choices” may be the reason she is feeling defensive. When you used that phrase, I began to wonder whether you really accept her sexuality or you are still grappling with it. I urge you to let go of any preconceived ideas that your daughter is “choosing” to be with a woman and embrace that your daughter is with a woman. Moving on from that, I understand that you want to spend uninterrupted time together because you’ve been denied that during the pandemic. But, your unwillingness to meet her new partner may be making your daughter feel unaccepted and unloved. Call her to clear the air. Start by apologizing. Let her know that you respect her and love her wholly. Just as she is. Then, explain that you just wanted to see her and not share space or time with anyone else. However, you’ve had a little time to reflect and realize that if it is important to her that you meet her new partner, then it’s important to you. Offer to go for lunch or grab a cocktail to meet her. That way, you are only committing an hour or two of the trip to her partner, and your daughter may see this as you making a real effort. Set the boundaries before you visit about what you both will be doing with your time, and make it very clear that you want one-on-one time together. But, also make room for her to share her life with you because she doesn't get to see you often. You may be surprised at how that can deepen your bond.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2021/4/14/ask-natalie-had-to-put-your

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1. Over the course of a five-day visit, I think LW can spare a few measly hours to meet somebody important to her daughter.

2. Her daughter is not a "little girl" and has not been for some time. My hair stood on end reading that! Those words, more than the rest of the letter (except perhaps the word "lifestyle", which, yeah), really suggest the shape of the entire problem to me.

FIVE. DAYS. And she doesn't want to meet the new girlfriend at all?!? "I don't want to share limited time together" works for a five-hour visit, maybe, but even then I'd say half an hour to meet someone important would be fine. No excuse during a five-day visit. Also, do we honestly think she'd say the same about a boyfriend?

(I have what I think is a good and healthy relationship with my parents, but solo attention from either of them for five days would be bad for both of us. Trying to remember the last time I spent that long with either of them ....)

Also my goodness, three days without speaking is a long time?!? Although I guess my mum would call me every day if I let her - we compromised on weekly calls.

Also, do we honestly think she'd say the same about a boyfriend?

She might. I mean, she refers to her adult daughter as her "little girl". It's entirely possible that she resents the fact that her adult daughter dates at all.

FIVE. DAYS. And she doesn't want to meet the new girlfriend at all?!? "I don't want to share limited time together" works for a five-hour visit, maybe, but even then I'd say half an hour to meet someone important would be fine. No excuse during a five-day visit.

Thiiiiis! WTH. If you truly want to catch up on what her life is like now, meet the GF.

My hair uncurled at that phrase, too.

The phrase "lifestyle choices" gives me hives.

This is good broadly speaking if it's truly a misunderstanding but if there really is even a low level of discomfort with her daughter's sexuality then I think the LW actually needs far, far less forgiving advice than this. I would have liked to see that answer if there wasn't room to delve more into both possibilities than this already does, because in my experience the people who need the harsh version but follow the above just pile on the hurt.

Most people who aren't homophobic would fall all over themselves to make up for accidentally worrying their kid that they were (which is such an awful thing for the daughter to experience), not get huffy and defensive about it. Also this is either her first time introducing a female partner and it's probably a huge, stressful thing - or has definitely become so now even if it wasn't originally - or this mother has form for behaving poorly about this. You don't get multiple girlfriends in and then accuse your parent of it being about your partners gender just out of the blue for no reason!

This is where I ruefully admit that my post-vaccination trip is to see Mom more than Dad (I talk to Dad all the time!).

But this is a different situation - daughter really wants her mom to connect to the new special person in her life. Mom and daughter can have a good time both alone *and* with the new sweetheart. But doing both is important if they already have a good relationship. (If mom and daughter do not have a good relationship and sweetheart is willing to run interference, daughter and sweetheart should plan for all contingencies.)

My memory of living far from home attending college and getting my first couple girlfriends reminds me that by the time my mother came to visit that first time I was living with my 2nd girlfriend.

There might be no place mother can visit without the GF already being there in their shared home.

The phrasing the mother uses says to me she isn't 100% on board with her *shudder* "little girl" being an adult and having a relationship, especially a same sex one. She should be happy to be seeing her kid at all. And take whatever they get to do as the wonderful experience it will be. But I fear she is setting herself up for creating a row with her daughter in front of the new GF.

There are too many bees in this letter.

LW misses her "little girl," but "little girl" is GONE and is never coming back. She is a grown woman with a life and relationships, and LW is being asked to share that. If she can't, then perhaps she ought to stay home and think for a while.