I’m Devastated My Daughter Secretly Contacted Her Birth Mother

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Last week my 17-year-old was showing me something on her phone when I noticed a text from “B.M.” When questioned, she admitted it was her bio mom. Apparently, when she went through our files a few months ago looking for her Social Security number, she found some adoption records with her biological mom’s name and a little bit of info, and she used it to find her on Facebook. We did a closed adoption and have never had contact with the woman. I am in shock since my daughter has always accepted us as her parents. I didn’t think she cared who her bio parents were, or about being adopted. Sure, she occasionally would have questions about where she came from, and we talked openly about her adoption, but it was just something that existed that we didn’t really acknowledge regularly. Apparently they’ve been talking for about three months, but she hadn’t told me because she was afraid we wouldn’t approve or we would think it was a rejection of us.

They’re planning to meet at a coffee shop, and from the messages, bio mom sounds very eager to meet my daughter. I know I should be happy that they’ve been reunited, but I can’t help feeling hurt and rejected, like I’m not enough for her. I am terrified that this woman might try to take over my role in her life and become her mother figure in adulthood. I’m also apprehensive because my daughter has kept their relationship a secret. It worries me that they have been talking behind my back.

The main reason I’m writing is because my daughter is now wanting to involve me in the in-person reunion, and her bio mom wants to meet me too (we never met when I picked my daughter up from the hospital). I don’t want to go. I appreciate this woman for giving me my daughter, but I chose a closed adoption for a reason. I feel that trying to include bio mom in our lives will make things more complicated and likely end up with heartbreak for my daughter if things end up going badly. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. Part of me believes I should go if my daughter wants me to, but I can’t help feeling like there will be a lot of tension. I am concerned, at the same time, that turning her down could lead to her pushing me away and toward her bio mom … but I’m also concerned that the same could happen if she meets bio mom and decides that she’s more her mom than I am.

—Tale of Two Moms

Dear ToTM,

I understand how hard this is for you. If you chose a closed adoption because you didn’t want the bio mom involved in your life in any way, and you’ve spent 17 years certain that your daughter “didn’t care” that she was adopted or have any curiosity about her biological parents, this development must make you feel that your world is tilting on its axis. I’m hoping you can take a breath and think this through clearly, setting all of your own feelings aside for a moment. Your daughter is offering you the chance to participate in something that’s important to her. Is she making that offer because she truly wants you and her bio mom to get to know each other? Maybe—maybe simply sitting with the two of you will be helpful to her and bring her a sense of wholeness or resolution that she is seeking as she enters adulthood. Or maybe she is asking you to join her simply because she wants you to feel included, to make it clear to you that her desire to meet her bio mom is not a rejection of you. Or how about this? Maybe she’s nervous about this meeting and wants to be able to lean on her mom. Or—for all you know—maybe she’s acceding to the bio mom’s wishes: The woman who gave her up for adoption would like to know who has been the mother to this child. To reassure herself that she did the right thing all those years ago—and/or to have the chance to thank you. And the daughter you raised is kind and generous enough to want to help her do that.

No matter which one of these possibilities is true—and all of them may be true—you should brave this meeting. It’s the right thing to do. Will there be tension? I suspect this is up to you.

And please try to let go of your distress about your daughter keeping her correspondence with her bio mom a secret from you, and talking to her “behind your back.” She did so because she feared you wouldn’t approve or would feel rejected—and she was right, wasn’t she? You don’t approve; you do feel rejected. Your terror, as you describe it, that the woman will take over your role in your daughter’s life is something for you to work out (I hope with the help of a therapist, because it sounds like you are having a very rough time with this). You can’t pretend any longer that your daughter’s adoption at birth isn’t a part of her life story.

And I will remind you, too, that the amount of love we all have available to give is not finite. If it turns out that your daughter and her bio mom do develop a real, ongoing relationship at this point, it does not take anything away from you; it gives your child one more person to love and to be loved by. I’m not suggesting that jealousy and envy—and insecurity—are easy to rise above. What I’m suggesting is that for your daughter’s sake, you make every effort. And if, in the end, nothing comes of this reunion except that your daughter is able to satisfy her curiosity about where she comes from, I hope you’ll make an effort to understand and support her in that too. For that matter, if things “get complicated” and go awry, as you also fear, and your daughter ends up heartbroken, your job will be to support her through that too. Because you are her mom, and that’s what moms do.


https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/04/search-birth-parents-adoption-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Oh my goodness. I kind of want to hug LW and kind of want to shake her. Just reading this it's conpletely obvious why her daughter didn't tell her. Someone really has to convince her that no one can take her place in her daughter's life, and by someone I mean her -- she's the only person who can do that for herself. Otherwise the soap opera plots will just write themselves, as she already foresees.

[conuly]

You said that better than I could've.

[purlewe]

yeah. the woman who needs to get ahold of herself is the LW who needs to see the bigger picture. If she can't find a way to comfort in and dump out (preferable with a professional to help her sort her feelings) she will create the drama herself. Which will not help her daughter.

[ashbet]

Yeah, the hug/shake thing, definitely.

LW needs to talk to a therapist about this and NOT dump all of this on her daughter (or the bio-mom), but she does need a comfort in/dump out resource. I understand that she's feeling very afraid and insecure right now.

(I also completely understand why the daughter didn't tell her, it's bleedingly obvious that she's not okay with her being in touch with the bio-mom and that she'd prefer that none of this be happening.)

It's frustrating, because part of adoption SHOULD be coming to terms with the fact that you cannot completely cut off the possibility that your child may want to contact their biological family someday, and that trying to stop that is actively counterproductive to your relationship with your child.

I understand that "closed adoptions" of the past didn't account for 23AndMe or Google, but it's really unrealistic to expect that you can prevent your child from ever finding out about/getting in touch with their birth parents, and it's frankly unfair to the kid to have that expectation.

[ashbet]

I do think that the advice given was both compassionate and fairly comprehensive -- I would have leaned in a little harder on "you need some support right now, preferably professional," but therapy was mentioned, and that's good.

[heavenscalyx]

Care and Feeding seems to have a good handle on this. I've heard such varying things from my adopted friends who contacted their biomoms. One met her, got drunk with her, and never heard from her again. One met her and maintains pleasant and friendly contact with her, and the biomom makes no effort to barge into their life, but is just pleased to know her child and grandchild. One has never met their biomom, but exchanged letters. The daughter here is probably scared spitless and wants her mom along in part as reassurance that mom still loves her despite the contact.

[likeaduck]

Okay so I have like, professional/anthropological curiosity about what the adoption counselling process looked like at the time of this adoption, because the agencies I've worked with recently are all SUPER pro-open-adoption to the point of all of their pamphlets being kind of judgy of closed adoptions. AND ALL OF THE PAMPHLETS FROM ALL OF THE AGENCIES ARE THE SAME AND HAVE BEEN SCANNED FROM PHOTOCOPIES FROM 1999. So seventeen years ago, these judgy pamphlets about how "your child's birth parents will be a part of your life no matter what, because they're a part of your child but YOU DECIDE IF THEY LEARN FROM THAT PART OR WONDER FOREVER" seem to have been in pretty wide circulation. I'm so curious about the disconnect there, not because I don't think anybody still chooses closed adoption, but just...okay and then you never...thought about what might happen...ever? INteresting.

[fred_mouse]

Would that depend on where LW is? Also, the type of adoption service they went through? Or am I projecting my not-an-American assumptions onto the situation incorrectly?

[likeaduck]

Probably it depends on where, but also, I suspect this pamphlet has pretty good coverage in Christian-founded adoption agencies in the US and Canada at least. Like, I'm in Canada, and I can't remember what state the pamphlet originated in but it travelled pretty far to get here.

[fred_mouse]

Oh, that is interesting. Thank you for indulging my curiosity. I have no idea what the Australian attitude has been in recent decades, because the majority (all?) of adopted people I know are either overseas adoptions or over 50.