Father/Son Rift Is Hurting All

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am beside myself. I am tired and frustrated. I married my husband over 17 years ago. He is 11 years older than me. When we married, he had a teenage son. Shortly after we married, his son, in his senior year, decided to go live with his mother on the other side of the world. He would keep in touch with his dad by phone and visit once a year.

When my husband and I retired, we decided to move closer to his son, but we were still a long drive away. We gave up everything to move there. My husband is in his 80s. He is not in good health. He can no longer travel the distance to see his son.

His son has a nice family with a couple of children and a good job. When we first moved here, they would come to visit on occasion. But now, it is far fewer visits. I have asked his son on several occasions to just call his dad, maybe once a week. But for some reason, he couldn't do that.

We send them gifts on all of their birthdays and special occasions. We never hear from them if they received the gifts or if they liked them -- and there's never a thank-you note. Only after I would email them, asking if they received the items, did they respond. My husband has called his son several times and left messages. He never calls back.

I've watched my husband as he has cried several times over this situation. It pains my heart to see how this wears on my husband. When he was raising his son, his son was the world to him. Now, he feels his son hates him. Not a day goes by that he does not go into a tirade about his son's neglect.

He says he doesn't want anything to do with them. When he dies, he doesn't even want me to notify him. He made me promise to take his son out of our will when he dies. We have argued about this on several different occasions. I don't think he really means this. His son is his only living relative. I used to make excuses for his son, but I'm tired. I can't do it anymore. Help. -- At My Wits' End

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am a widow, 78 years old. I have a daughter who's been married for 30 years or more, no children. Next month, we have several family get-togethers planned for a weekend out of town. My daughter and I had planned to travel together for the events. She lives a bit closer to where these events will take place, so the plan is for me to get to her city the night before, and then we'll travel together the next day. Well, it seems that my daughter expected me to stay in a motel. She has a large home, including a guest room and bathroom.

I made the decision to ask her if I had done something to offend her. I haven't seen her since Christmas due to COVID-19. I couldn't think of anything I might have done to offend her since then. She replied that her house was not presentable for me to visit, and that's why she didn't invite me to stay there. She has known about the events for several weeks. If she truly wanted me to stay with her, then she had time to prepare. I think she used that as an excuse.

I have always loved and treated my children equally. I feel it was not important enough to her to invite me to stay with them. My feelings are hurt. In fact, it has been five years since I last went to her home. When they come to visit, they always stay at my home rather than with my son-in-law's family. I make sure that I have food they like, that the room they stay in is clean, that there are clean linens on the bed, etc.

She's my child. I know it would not be right for me to have resentment toward her. I will pray about it. On a human level, how do I get past this? I feel that when I do see her, I will not be comfortable around her. -- Concerned Mother

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