agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Annie: I am a widow, 78 years old. I have a daughter who's been married for 30 years or more, no children. Next month, we have several family get-togethers planned for a weekend out of town. My daughter and I had planned to travel together for the events. She lives a bit closer to where these events will take place, so the plan is for me to get to her city the night before, and then we'll travel together the next day. Well, it seems that my daughter expected me to stay in a motel. She has a large home, including a guest room and bathroom.

I made the decision to ask her if I had done something to offend her. I haven't seen her since Christmas due to COVID-19. I couldn't think of anything I might have done to offend her since then. She replied that her house was not presentable for me to visit, and that's why she didn't invite me to stay there. She has known about the events for several weeks. If she truly wanted me to stay with her, then she had time to prepare. I think she used that as an excuse.

I have always loved and treated my children equally. I feel it was not important enough to her to invite me to stay with them. My feelings are hurt. In fact, it has been five years since I last went to her home. When they come to visit, they always stay at my home rather than with my son-in-law's family. I make sure that I have food they like, that the room they stay in is clean, that there are clean linens on the bed, etc.

She's my child. I know it would not be right for me to have resentment toward her. I will pray about it. On a human level, how do I get past this? I feel that when I do see her, I will not be comfortable around her. -- Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned: Your daughter didn't clean her house in time for your visit. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care about you. All it means is that she didn't clean her house in time for your visit.

Of course, the more gracious thing for them to have done would have been to invite you to stay; I'm not disagreeing with that. But don't read their lack of hospitality as hostility.

Perhaps she has a serious clutter problem; perhaps it's been a very busy few weeks at work and she hasn't had time for a deep clean. Maybe she or her husband find having any sort of overnight company extremely stressful.

That said, you can express, toward the end of this trip, that you'd love to stay with her sometime. Keep the focus of the conversation on your feelings, avoiding accusations and assumptions.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2383344

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If you keep assuming that your daughter choosing for you to stay in a motel rather than her home is proof that you must have "offended her", then you will end up offending her. You're already irritating me, LW, and I don't even know you.

Some people don't like to have houseguests. Some people feel that their guests will be most comfortable in a motel than actually, physically in their home. Get over yourself, stay in the motel, leave a nice tip.

Edited 2020-07-16 22:38 (UTC)

You're already irritating me, LW, and I don't even know you.

Saaaaaame!

As someone who absolutely struggles to keep my house guest-ready (or as clean and decluttered as I’d like to have it for myself), eff this LW’s assumptions and entitlement (and Annie’s comment about hospitality.)

I meet my difficult, narcissistic, perfectionist, keeps-a-House-Beautiful-worthy-home-with-household-help mother at restaurants for lunch, and I don’t invite her to my house, either.

(Even if I hire an able-bodied friend to help me with heavy chores like mopping all the floors, my choice of decor isn’t up to my mother’s standards, anyway.)

I do get that the LW feels hurt by this, but she’s drawing unnecessary conclusions — her daughter may be having a hard time with things that she’s not aware of, or is discounting.

Just accept that the house isn’t ready to receive guests, and enjoy the drive and family events with your daughter!

As someone who struggles with keeping a house presentable, I say unto you: Blarg.

Lady, your kid has specifically planned to see you, and to travel with you, in this time of stress and pandemic. She clearly wants to be with you. Take that as its own message.

LW: If your daughter and son-in-law cannot once make their home presentable in five years, they have a problem. Unless you are a hyper-critical neat-freak, that problem is not you. Please don't make it about you.

Also, if they haven't invited you to their home in five years, why did you think this time would be different?

LW: If your daughter and son-in-law cannot once make their home presentable in five years, they have a problem

but the reason they may not be able to make their home presentable NOW may be due to extra stress and extra workload and extra childcare responsibilities due to COVID...

Or it might, in fact, be an excuse as LW thinks, because "Mom, we love you, but we can't stand to have you in the house for even one night" isn't a nice thing to say. Maybe LW is just an annoying houseguest, or they really value their privacy.

Well, if my parents are in my house *at all* they poke through all my stuff, no respect at all for privacy. I'd hate to have them *stay* I can't watch them 24/7!

And like. It's OK if it *is* an excuse. Because it still *does* mean the daughter wants to interact with LW! Just. On her own terms.

Ahahaha my-and-spouse's house hasn't been presentable enough for guests for years, and trying to make it so *now* is just. not. happening.

(My mother-in-law likes to criticise our home decor choices - always framing it as though they are mine not ours, of course. My mother likes to offer suggestions on how we could improve things, usually ideas I've already ruled out. My father likes to clean things for me, and manages to do so without a side of judgement, so guess which of the three I like visits from best? And these are parents with whom I generally feel I have a *good* relationship. How much worse if I didn't!)

The daughter and SIL are within their right not to have guests, but they also shouldn't stay in anyone's home (specially family) if they can't/aren't willing to reciprocate. That's how family drama starts.

I guarantee LW would be offended if her daughter said "I'd rather stay in a motel than your home, Mom."

I wouldn't be so sure. LW detailed all the work it took for her to accomodate the daughter, which made it sound like she expects the same precisely because it wasn't exactly a pleasure to do it (LW also stressed the fact that they always go to LW's house instead of their other in-laws'). Like 'I go to all this trouble to make her comfortable because I care for her, and she can't be bothered'.

The daughter and SIL are within their right not to have guests, but they also shouldn't stay in anyone's home (specially family) if they can't/aren't willing to reciprocate.

I absolutely disagree with this.

For starters, some people live in bedsits or one bedroom apartments - they should still be able to stay in other people's homes even tho they can't reciprocate.

Same. When I was in my 20s I hosted 3-4 people in my studio apartment pretty regularly. Ten years later and moving into another studio with a similar layout, the prospect of doing that straight up gives me hives.

I didn't say this applies to the world as a whole, i said LW's daughter and her husband. LW sounds pushy, but she did specify the daughter lives in a house with enough room for her. It could be the daughter moved into a shoebox apartment without LW finding out, but it seems unlikely.

There are people I could (in non-COVID times) invite over at any time.

Then there are people like an ex-roommate's mom, where it would probably take six months of concentrated work to meet her retired head of hotel housekeeping standards.

OMG yes: this sounds like person who comes in and starts non-consensually 'tidying up' in a reproachful manner.

The sort of person who kicks off an Incident by throwing away the ancient and admittedly kind of gross teddy bear that the 4-year-old will not be parted from, and still doesn't understand why her actions were wrong.

Or, dear Letter Writer, perhaps you have indeed offended your daughter. Five years ago, maybe, when last you stayed with her? Who can say. But... if you were a loving, accepting mother, you wouldn't be anticipating resentment and discomfort, would you? You'd just be looking forward to seeing her again.

during covidtimes the guest rooms might be the office(s) or the children's new play room. the house is the last thing they are cleaning if they have to watch children 24-7 inside as well as get 40 hrs of work done a week. (and now that you are home and working, your boss likes to hit you up for work on weekends!) And make 3 meals a day for themselves and the kids. Like seriously, cut the person some slack.

They haven't invited you to their house in 5 yrs? then there is something on their end that isn't going to change overnight. anxiety, clutter, or fear of your standards and listening to you tell them how things should be done. Honestly they are not required to give you a place to stay nor are they required to give you a reason. If you want a relationship with them let this go.

My partner's house has what is technically a guest room! Right now it's uninhabitable on account of our housemate needed air conditioning, we're in the middle of swapping the rooms, and the newly designated guest room's floor needs unanticipated changes! We started the project a month ago and just this past week discovered the floor situation.

(Cat defiled the carpet; carpet needed removal and not just a cleaning; hardwood probably needs attention, not sure yet if entire refinish or just another layer of varnish; equipment to DIY safely just absolutely does not exist during COVID-19.)

Heck, maybe husband has a health vulnerability that makes them extra nervous about having other people in their house right now. Stop looking for reasons to be offended and be excited you are going to see daughter and family in person. That is a huge deal in these times.

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