Ask Amy: Woman wrestles with adoption dilemma

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am a woman who was adopted by maternal family members when I was a child. They were honest with me about my birth mother's history (addiction). I had no contact with my birth mother.

My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.

My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.

My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.

I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?

My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.

He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.

I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.

-- Stuck in the Middle

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¡Hola Papi! My Heart Broke. Now What?

[fairestcat]

¡Hola Papi!

My boyfriend and I broke up in October after dating for six months. I know, not a long relationship, but I was completely blindsided. His reason was that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I tried to understand what was happening, but I couldn’t and still can’t wrap my head around it. There was nothing wrong. He (allegedly) still cared for me but he somehow was able to just flip a switch and not want to date anymore.

I don’t know if he thought saying that would lessen the blow of being dumped, but all I took away from it is that he would rather have nothing than me. I felt really helpless in all of it because this decision was made for me and my feelings and what I wanted weren’t taken into consideration at all. He actually was surprised I was so upset about it.

I know that I shouldn’t be dwelling on this person, that I’m better off without him, but I haven’t been able to shake this. And not for a lack of trying! I’ve been focusing on myself and my health, have been trying new things, and have really worked on relationships with my friends and family. Unfortunately, there’s only so many hours in a day I can distract myself. Sooner or later, the heartbreak comes back fresh, and I’m back at square one.

I understand it takes time to process things like this and I think I have a good handle on understanding everything that has happened. But emotionally, I can’t catch up to where I am mentally. I am tired of feeling sad, lonely, and less than. The more time goes on, the more I worry I am not going to be able to move past this. Help?

Spinning My Wheels

( Hey there, SMW! )