Care and Feeding: Parenting While Sick

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard. I usually end up completely run down, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

Recently, we all got the flu, and this time I did get it pretty bad. My husband was still recovering, and the baby was still sick so my mom had to come stay with us for a while … and then she got it. My husband and I talked after we were all healthy about how we could better handle a house full of sick people and, uncharacteristically, we didn’t come to a great resolution. I’m tired of not being able to get significant rest time when I’m ill and being on my own with sick kids, so I think we should rely on help from family more and also that my husband should accept that being sick as a parent isn’t the same as being sick without kids. I asked him to really consider what help he could offer me while he’s sick and volunteer it more. I also admitted that I should do a better job of asking him to work from home occasionally when I need to recover from being sick. He agreed on the last point but didn’t accept either of the first two: He thinks it’s out of line to ask family to come help us and get sick themselves and isn’t willing to commit himself to doing more when he is sick. We’re all healthy now but I’m sure the next virus is just around the corner, so who is right? How do you fairly split the work when everyone doesn’t feel good?

—We’re Not at Our Best

Dear WNaOB,

I am always thrilled to hear anyone is out there, washing their hands, which is one of the best forms of preventive “medicine” we have. This may indeed help account for the times you manage to avoid the bug entirely but can have no possible relationship to the times you just have milder symptoms than your less fortunate family members.

Every illness is different. So is what “doing more” can mean. I’m glad you are on the same page about him working from home more frequently while you are recovering; I am not sure why it hinges on you asking as opposed to him making the decision based on the situation, but if that’s what it takes, fine.

On the family question, I’m torn. I would not ask an older relative to risk the seasonal flu, if at all possible. For minor bugs, if you are extremely honest that you are floundering and need a second pair of hands and that those hands may wind up catching whatever illness the family has, people can make their own informed decision about helping.

Sometimes everyone is sick at once. One of the worst parts of being a parent is not being able to retreat to the couch with a Gatorade, regardless of how terrible you feel, because a child needs you to hold their hair back or heat up some soup. It’s a good time to rely on food delivery for a short period (if anyone actually feels like eating), and I recommend having basic sickness prep ready to roll (children’s cold medicine to bring down fevers and help with sleep, Pedialyte, extra mattress protectors under extra fresh sheets so you can just yank off the soiled top set and have a pre-made bed ready to go, etc.)

You and your husband are not going to solve for all time the “but I’M sicker when I’m sick” argument. You do need to ask for what you need and to be specific with what those needs are. “Can you please switch the laundry to the dryer? Can you load the dishwasher? Can you bring home saltines and ginger ale?” It seems as though communication in your household has become contentious and now carries the weight of grievances from Ghosts of Seasonal Flu Past. He thinks you’re telling him he’s a malingerer, you’re drowning in gross tissues, etc. Please try to strip emotion out of these interactions whenever possible. Fake it like you’re on a team until you’re actually on a team here.

Also, I hesitate to tell a grown man to wash his hands during cold and flu season, but if he hasn’t grasped the repeated and unpleasant cause and effect at play here, you have my permission to tell him a professional advice columnist thinks he’s being a real tool.

Comments

[lucymonster]

“I refuse to do more to help when you’re sick. But also, you’re not allowed to get help from anyone else.”

I hope this guy drops dead of his next manflu. Fucking hell, what an asshole. I also want to take the columnist by the shoulders and shake them, because what the fuck is this “communication” “you just need to be ~a team~” bullshit? The husband has been absolutely explicit that he expects his wife to just suck up her own illness and be superwoman. You can’t do teamwork with people that selfish; they don’t allow it.

Ugh. Sorry for the probably disproportionate response. This one is just too much of a hot button for me.

[cereta]

*Offers fistbump solidarity and name-sharing.*

[cereta]

I posted this mostly because I so recognize myself and my husband in this - not the handwashing part, the utterly going down when sick part. NGL, there were times when child was small that I kind of resented that I somehow kept functioning when he went down for the count. There was one instance (only one) when he expressed shock that he might be asked to pick child up from daycare if something came up, utterly oblivious to the reality that yeah, I still did that when sick.

Without speculating about our relative degrees of illness, I have realized that sometimes, I do myself no favors by powering through illness. I have chronic health problems, which means that (a) I am used to functioning while feeling awful, and (b) I am self-conscious about the times I have to ask him to take on something I normally do because my migraine or whatever has gotten bad enough that I can't. So I tend to push myself when I have a cold or, you know, walking pneumonia or something. And I've realized that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't.

I don't know what would happen if LW said to husband, "Look, I am really, really sick and need to rest." But maybe she should push a little harder.

[topaz_eyes]

What would husband do if LW ever became sick enough to land in hospital? He'd have to step up whether he wanted to or not. He would probably change his tune about enlisting family to help in that case. Maybe LW should arrange to stay with her mom or a friend the next time she falls ill and isn't getting enough rest or help from him.

[magid]

In addition to the great points already made, I really dislike how the tone of the response is for LW to still keep all the organizational load: she has to know what to ask him to do rather than him, the other grown-ass parent in the place, figuring out what needs to be done.

[conuly]

Next time this starts up again, LW needs to immediately go an "quarantine with family", and leave him to handle everything. Quarantine means you're too sick to answer the phone

[ethelmay]

I would have asked if the kids were having their hands washed appropriately, too. One of the habits I acquired early in the Covid era was washing hands before I left the house and again as soon as I got back, and I've tried to retain that as I think it makes quite a difference. With three kids, and probably daycare or school involved, plus at least one young enough to put things in its mouth, I don't suppose they could break every chain of infection, but breaking some of them is worth doing.

[ashbet]

Why in the world should she have to remind him (while sick!) to move the laundry to the dryer/etc.?? Can he not set a timer, or look at a list of household chores and follow it?

I’m really surprised that they didn’t mention masking if one household member gets sick. My household has been rigorously masking in public indoor settings since 2020, and we’ve only had one case of Covid (late last year), and masking/isolation meant that none of the other three household members got sick.

I understand that not everyone wants to mask for every doctor’s appointment or grocery store trip (we have two household members who have major risk factors for serious Covid complications), but if someone is sick, the sick person can mask, and stay behind a closed door with a draftcatcher, to keep themselves as isolated as possible.

And the other household members can mask if they’re delivering food to the sick person/etc.

I understand that young kids are germ factories, but I’m surprised that it didn’t even get mentioned in the response.

But most importantly, the husband is just as much a parent as the wife is, and he’s perfectly capable of doing the same level of tasks that she is, when ill.

[syderia]

Yeah, that's what I was coming to say.
Masks are good for asking outside help - the grandmother comes in, masked, they ensure ventilation, she helps.

[ofearthandstars]

This! Especially when mom came to help, it seems like everyone should have masked up. This seems like a basic courtesy.