Carolyn Hax: Tilting at windmills or worth replying to friend?

[beable]

Dear Carolyn: I donated to an organization that provides wheelchairs to people who can't afford them. I posted about this on Facebook. I wasn't trying to brag, but I wanted to give this organization some attention in case anyone I know would like to support it as well.

A friend of mine posted a comment saying my donation was "foolish," because it would be much more productive to donate to organizations that research cures for disabilities so that no one needs wheelchairs at all. I was taken aback by this, and I'm not sure how to reply. Should I reply at all?

— Charitable

Charitable: Nope. Save yourself for actual discourse.

There will always be people looking to score meaningless points. It costs you nothing (besides a moment’s agitation) to let them think they did — while every moment spent engaging with knuckleheads is a moment gone for good.

I think Carolyn is wrong. I have Opinions that when one is on an axis of privilege in a specific conversation on social media, one has a responsibility for their friends' comments on one's social media page (to the extent that one can safely and healthily do so).

So in this example: The friend is being a knucklehead, but more specifically the friend is being an ablist knucklehead and it would be useful for LW to respond - not because it would change said friend's opinion (it probably won't) but to provide perspective for other readers who may not have realized how friend was being ablist and erasive, and also to provide some solidarity and support to her readers whom these words were targeting.

Co-worker ponders being terrible about race

[conuly]

Dear Amy: The other day a woman I work with brought her 8-month-old grandson around the office. He was a charming, lovely boy, and she was obviously very proud to show him off.

But there's one thing I'm struggling with. My co-worker, who is white, had mentioned to me that her grandson's mother is black.

Hey, I'm from the Caribbean and we've always had a much more relaxed attitude toward racial mixing. I'm biracial, myself.

The parents of this baby are unmarried and just out of high school, but I don't judge them.

What I'm struggling with is that this child doesn't look biracial at all. He is very dark skinned. Nobody back home would believe for a second that this child has a white parent. But people in America don't seem to be as savvy as we are about these things.

I don't know this woman's son, and am definitely not in any position to suggest a paternity test. But I feel like saying nothing might not be right, either.

I'd hate for this young man to be stuck caring for a child that isn't his, even if I don't know him.

Am I terrible for even thinking this?

-- Worried

( Yes, you are. )

I told my friend I think her husband is gay

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn:

Many think my best friend "Sara" has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband ("Jim"), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but here's the thing. I think he's gay.

Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern. But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husband's sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic?

-- A Friend in Need

( We will never find out how she jumped to this conclusion )