I told my friend I think her husband is gay

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn:

Many think my best friend "Sara" has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband ("Jim"), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but here's the thing. I think he's gay.

Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern. But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husband's sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic?

-- A Friend in Need

Never. Not gently, not roughly, not with discreet tactical brilliance, not ever. That's how.

And if there were such a thing as boundary school, I'd sentence you to it. Because, oh my wow. This is so not your business.

With the benefit of all doubts firmly in place, I'll venture you just really want your friend to be happy. And that's great. But if your idea of helping her be happy includes a first step of having to persuade her that she's unhappy, then that's your flashing red railroad-crossing barrier, your Do Not Disturb hang-tag, your singing telegram reminding you to butt the heck (and everything else) out. If your friend wants your help, she can ask.

And while I'm here: No one, anywhere, ever, has it "all."

Comments

[larryhammer]

If not for that last bit, she could have ended that with an excellent mic drop.

[sporky_rat]

oh my gosh could someone be more tacky?

[cereta]

Well, based on the entry right below this one? Yeah, they can.

[conuly]

I'd say it's 50/50 which is worse. At least that other writer has, thus far, kept their darn mouth shut.

[cereta]

Ugh, I saw this at ArcaMax. There are so many things wrong with this (what makes her think the husband is gay? Has she ever heard of bisexuality? What on Earth makes her think that even Amy would support her attempts to meddle?), the biggest is that this is flat-out none of her business. I'm one of the few people I've run across who thinks people should actually speak up if they have evidence that a friend's spouse is cheating, but there's nothing in the letter that indicates he is. This is flat-out none of the LW's business. It was none of her business before she told "Sara" of her suspicions, and it's really none of her business how Sara chooses to respond to those suspicions.

I do have a feeling that LW is envious of Sara's seemingly idyllic life (I say "seemingly," because I get the feeling the LW is not the kind to notice others' trials unless those trials serve their need to shit stir), and is getting a little too much pleasure from the idea of exploding Sara's life.

[rmc28]

I think your last paragraph is spot on. I mean, I see "four children" and I think "omg how much work?" and that's even before we get to the implied breadwinner/homemaker division of labour.

I'm imagining Jim as like, well dressed, high standard of personal grooming, and vocally supportive of women, and therefore "must be gay".

[eleanorjane]

Also, who's to say Sara doesn't already know?!

[cereta]

That is a very good point.

[cadenzamuse]

Yeah, this was my original thought. I mean, all the other smack down the OP thoughts occurred after that, but, like, I have an acquaintance who is (AFAIK) a straight woman who lives with, sleeps in the same bed as, shares a business with, and foster parents ~8 teenagers with her best friend/person I would call a queerplatonic partner, who is a gay dude. It's not like "he's not sexually attracted to women!" is an inherent disqualifier for being married to a woman--happily married, even.

[rosefox]

We're assuming that "I think he's gay" means "I think he's effeminate", right? There is SO MUCH WRONG here.

[cereta]

That would be my guess, yeah.

[beable]

Today on letter writers that I would be thrilled to smack on the head with smelly dead fish.

[xenacryst]

If I were Sara I would have had a really hard time not smacking her with a smelly dead fish right then and there.

If I were Jim and got wind of this, I would go out of my way to wear the most effeminate clothing, adopt a few more mannerisms, leave a few suggestive DVDs out by accident when LW came over, and make a point of going to hang out with a certain type of male company. I'd rope Sara into it, too, and have her lavish me with physical attention whenever LW was around and then encourage it in the gayest way possible. Have conversations in LW's presence about going back to "the club" - no, not just the pool-only area dear, you know, where they have the ... equipment ... that all the other guys use. Oh, I do so like it watching the guys work out with you, Jim. So do I dear, so do I.

[beable]

Yasssssss

[heavenscalyx]

I just snorted my tea. Thank you!

[ayebydan]

Dear LW

Please proceed to the nearest bin. Climb in. Thank you.

No thanks,

The World.