My sister demanded that I dye my hair for her wedding. But I wore a wig instead

[lilysea]

Dear Prudence,

My sister got married recently. Some weeks before the big day, she pulled me aside and asked me to dye my bright blue and purple hair a more innocuous color so that I wouldn’t stand out too much. She wouldn’t listen to reason as to how I love my hair, nor as to how the process of bringing it to a more natural color would be difficult, expensive, and damaging. At the suggestion of a friend, I invested in an excellent honey-brown human hair wig, similar to my actual hair texture and length. Her big day went off without a hitch, and she never even seemed to notice my “innocuous” hair. At the end of the reception, after nearly everyone had left and my family and I were helping tidy up, I removed the wig.

My sister freaked out. She’s still angry, and she says that I violated her trust and that for the rest of her life when she looks at her wedding pictures of the family together or of me in the background, she’ll know that there’s blue-and-purple hair under there, and it will infuriate her. I don’t see any problem with what I did. I didn’t want to change my hair color for ONE day in her life, and I even invested in a hairpiece specifically meant to give her peace of mind. I hadn’t considered telling her about the wig beforehand, simply because she was busy and, as long as I showed up with “normal” hair, it should have been fine. How am I in the wrong here? Did I owe it to my sister to actually color my hair for her wedding? I wasn’t even a bridesmaid.
- Sister Wigging Out

Dear Sister Wigging Out: I shouldn’t be laughing at this, but I can’t help myself. The idea of your sister, years from now, surrounded by her loving husband, children, and grandchildren, staring sadly at her wedding photo album, a wizened figure pointing at a picture of you as she whispers, “But underneath ... underneath it was all blue and purple,” just tickles me to death. Imagine how ridiculous your apology would have to sound: “Sorry the brown hair I wore to your wedding wasn’t permanent enough.” Refuse to let your sister’s temper tantrum affect you. You did a very nice thing by changing your appearance to suit her mood in the first place. The fact that she got married does not entitle her to dictate the color of your hair. If she brings it up again, tell her the photos were lovely. And if she commands you not just to wear contacts but to get laser eye surgery for the birth of her first child, stand your ground.

Dear Prudence: I keep being asked to make cakes for free

[lilysea]

Dear Prudence, I used to be a professional baker in college and I continue to do it for friends and family. Two and a half years ago I did my cousin’s wedding cake but did not attend her wedding as I had small children at the time (it was adults only). I never got a thank you from her, written or otherwise, and my aunt even scolded me for not sending a gift! Rather than cause a fight, I sent my cousin a gift card and promptly knocked her and my aunt off the cake list. Every time they have asked, I have told them it wasn’t a good time or I was too busy. I have continued to make cakes for friends, co-workers, and other family. Only now my cousin is pregnant and wants me to do a cake at her baby shower—I told her no. Now my aunt and she are asking everyone why I hate my cousin and refuse to do the cake but will do it for strangers (I did a cake for a co-worker’s kid’s graduation). I want to strike back that I got thanked by those people but I don’t think it will be helpful. I can’t avoid them as we live in the same town and attend family events. Help! I don’t hate them but I don’t want to bake for them, what should I do? - Takes the cake

Dear Takes the cake, Continue to not make your cousin a cake, and to meet rudeness and prying with cheerful non-engagement. “I love Rourthenay, but my schedule won’t permit it. Have you tried ordering a cake from [NONDESCRIPT CAKE EMPORIUM NO. 7]? I hear they do great work.” If your aunt wants to complain all over town that her niece won’t make her a free cake, let her; I don’t think she’s going to be met with a great deal of sympathy.

Dear Prudence: asking for a free photographer backfired badly

[lilysea]

Dear Prudence,
My sister and stepsister have always quarreled over every issue you can think of. My sister is a professional photographer and records almost every family function in spectacular style. My stepsister got married recently and decided to skip on paying a photographer since my sister always carries her camera. You guessed it: The photographs came out horribly—red eyes, blurry, and fuzzy. My stepsister had a fit and screamed at my sister. My sister said she had accidentally brought some bad lenses but since no one officially asked her to be the wedding photographer, she hadn’t had time to prepare. And it is true—no one asked my sister to be the wedding photographer or offered to pay her. However, my sister has since confessed to me over a bottle of wine that she deliberately chose a bad camera because my stepsister was a "cheap, selfish witch."

I am not sure what to do here. The entire fallout has most of my relatives talking about what a “bridezilla” my stepsister was. Even my stepmom apologized to my sister for her daughter’s behavior. Was my sister right? Should I say anything? - Not Picture Perfect

Dear Not Picture Perfect, I shouldn’t laugh. I won’t laugh. I’m not laughing now. Nothing about this situation is funny, and I’m going to take it very seriously. Here is my official ruling: Say nothing. There is nothing to be gained by telling your stepsister the truth, as you’ll only extend their ceaseless quarrel. What your sister did was passive-aggressive and mean-spirited, but your stepsister has learned an important lesson: If you want professional wedding photos, hire a professional photographer and pay them. Don’t ask someone you know hates you to do it for free at the last minute.