(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: My father is in his late 80s and fairly self-sufficient but still needs support. My mother, also in her 80s, has balance, significant hearing and minor memory issues.

My brother has been their primary support, and I am truly grateful for everything he does. This arrangement has worked largely because my parents have financially supported him for many years and he does not work or have a family of his own. In contrast, I work full time, am married and have children. My role in my parents’ care has mainly been to visit, take them to doctor’s appointments if requested and host all holidays. I feel like I should visit more, but life commitments often get in the way.

My father and brother confronted me to say I wasn’t contributing enough to my parents’ care. I offered to pay for a caregiver, explore assisted living options or make modifications to their home to ease their living situation. All my suggestions were dismissed. They told me my job was unimportant and insisted it was my moral duty as the daughter to care for them personally rather than delegate that responsibility to others. My father has been texting me articles about this duty.

I am heartbroken that my father feels I’m failing him. We have exchanged brief, friendly texts since then, but nothing more. This whole conflict has discouraged me from visiting again, especially since my father thinks yelling is normal and acceptable behavior. But I feel deep guilt for not doing more.

Between my kids, husband and demanding job, my free time is incredibly limited. Quitting my job to care for my parents full time is not something I can or want to do.

My brother and I have never had a relationship where we talk regularly, and it’s clear he harbors deep resentment toward me.

I feel stuck and unsure how to move forward.

— Heartbroken Daughter

( Read more... )