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Dear Carolyn: My father is in his late 80s and fairly self-sufficient but still needs support. My mother, also in her 80s, has balance, significant hearing and minor memory issues.
My brother has been their primary support, and I am truly grateful for everything he does. This arrangement has worked largely because my parents have financially supported him for many years and he does not work or have a family of his own. In contrast, I work full time, am married and have children. My role in my parents’ care has mainly been to visit, take them to doctor’s appointments if requested and host all holidays. I feel like I should visit more, but life commitments often get in the way.
My father and brother confronted me to say I wasn’t contributing enough to my parents’ care. I offered to pay for a caregiver, explore assisted living options or make modifications to their home to ease their living situation. All my suggestions were dismissed. They told me my job was unimportant and insisted it was my moral duty as the daughter to care for them personally rather than delegate that responsibility to others. My father has been texting me articles about this duty.
I am heartbroken that my father feels I’m failing him. We have exchanged brief, friendly texts since then, but nothing more. This whole conflict has discouraged me from visiting again, especially since my father thinks yelling is normal and acceptable behavior. But I feel deep guilt for not doing more.
Between my kids, husband and demanding job, my free time is incredibly limited. Quitting my job to care for my parents full time is not something I can or want to do.
My brother and I have never had a relationship where we talk regularly, and it’s clear he harbors deep resentment toward me.
I feel stuck and unsure how to move forward.
— Heartbroken Daughter
Heartbroken Daughter: I won’t say all people lose their filters as they get up in years — because it’s not true and deeply ageist. But it has been known to happen, and I don’t think anyone can ever really prepare a person for the velocity, spin and visceral impact of a loved one’s words when it does.
I bring this up because a lot of family-type caregivers out there, past and present, sound like you — wondering how to think of their loved ones now, how to feel, how to refile their memories, how to go back to showing up with a chicken dish!, after nearly bleeding out internally from these verbal ambushes.
Now — is this what happened with your dad? I don’t know. There may be context here of a lifetime of sexist views and expectations that you left out. Your brother’s eager participation complicates things, too, which I’ll get to. But here’s the thing. You say you are a fully committed caregiver already in terms of time. Therefore, “no” is the only rational — possible — response to a demand for something you do not have (or want) to give.
Offering to pay for extra care to give all of them some relief is generous and the right thing to do, but my point is, you personally don’t intend to provide more of your parents’ physical care, no matter what anyone continues to say, send or believe.
So your only decision from this point, and the only thing my advice applies to, is how to walk back into their house with that big judgmental load still in the punch bowl (apologies to anyone eating breakfast) and resume your relationships productively.
This is where filter fail comes in. You don’t need to feel guilt. You needn’t explore your relationships or your worth, or your father’s. You just need reasonable confidence your father would never have said such a thing to you if he weren’t high-80s and watching his life partner, care arrangement and himself fall apart, and maybe even watching his judgment and son — whew — start to fritz. So I offer that good-enough hypothetical, which you can now use to justify not taking his attacks personally, so you can carry on with calm focus on what you were always going to do.
Which includes, yes, relief for your brother, who no doubt resents you. A geriatric social worker can be an invaluable, neutral party in adapting the arrangements as your parents’ needs increase. Try eldercare.acl.gov (while it lasts!!!).
It can be true, by the way, both that your brother latched on to your father’s ridiculous criticism of you for opportunistic reasons and that the burden of care is too much — not just for him, but for anyone. To have one person “on” alone round-the-clock is inhumane — with babies, elders, any kind of dependent care.
That said — if he and your parents keep refusing the help you’ve offered and insisting on the help you haven’t offered, then you’ll have a pointless, painful standoff. My only advice for that is … to carry on with what you’re offering. Yes, it’s a theme. Which means finding ways to remain calm and focused on the care needs — and not get distracted by the lashings out.
Link
My brother has been their primary support, and I am truly grateful for everything he does. This arrangement has worked largely because my parents have financially supported him for many years and he does not work or have a family of his own. In contrast, I work full time, am married and have children. My role in my parents’ care has mainly been to visit, take them to doctor’s appointments if requested and host all holidays. I feel like I should visit more, but life commitments often get in the way.
My father and brother confronted me to say I wasn’t contributing enough to my parents’ care. I offered to pay for a caregiver, explore assisted living options or make modifications to their home to ease their living situation. All my suggestions were dismissed. They told me my job was unimportant and insisted it was my moral duty as the daughter to care for them personally rather than delegate that responsibility to others. My father has been texting me articles about this duty.
I am heartbroken that my father feels I’m failing him. We have exchanged brief, friendly texts since then, but nothing more. This whole conflict has discouraged me from visiting again, especially since my father thinks yelling is normal and acceptable behavior. But I feel deep guilt for not doing more.
Between my kids, husband and demanding job, my free time is incredibly limited. Quitting my job to care for my parents full time is not something I can or want to do.
My brother and I have never had a relationship where we talk regularly, and it’s clear he harbors deep resentment toward me.
I feel stuck and unsure how to move forward.
— Heartbroken Daughter
Heartbroken Daughter: I won’t say all people lose their filters as they get up in years — because it’s not true and deeply ageist. But it has been known to happen, and I don’t think anyone can ever really prepare a person for the velocity, spin and visceral impact of a loved one’s words when it does.
I bring this up because a lot of family-type caregivers out there, past and present, sound like you — wondering how to think of their loved ones now, how to feel, how to refile their memories, how to go back to showing up with a chicken dish!, after nearly bleeding out internally from these verbal ambushes.
Now — is this what happened with your dad? I don’t know. There may be context here of a lifetime of sexist views and expectations that you left out. Your brother’s eager participation complicates things, too, which I’ll get to. But here’s the thing. You say you are a fully committed caregiver already in terms of time. Therefore, “no” is the only rational — possible — response to a demand for something you do not have (or want) to give.
Offering to pay for extra care to give all of them some relief is generous and the right thing to do, but my point is, you personally don’t intend to provide more of your parents’ physical care, no matter what anyone continues to say, send or believe.
So your only decision from this point, and the only thing my advice applies to, is how to walk back into their house with that big judgmental load still in the punch bowl (apologies to anyone eating breakfast) and resume your relationships productively.
This is where filter fail comes in. You don’t need to feel guilt. You needn’t explore your relationships or your worth, or your father’s. You just need reasonable confidence your father would never have said such a thing to you if he weren’t high-80s and watching his life partner, care arrangement and himself fall apart, and maybe even watching his judgment and son — whew — start to fritz. So I offer that good-enough hypothetical, which you can now use to justify not taking his attacks personally, so you can carry on with calm focus on what you were always going to do.
Which includes, yes, relief for your brother, who no doubt resents you. A geriatric social worker can be an invaluable, neutral party in adapting the arrangements as your parents’ needs increase. Try eldercare.acl.gov (while it lasts!!!).
It can be true, by the way, both that your brother latched on to your father’s ridiculous criticism of you for opportunistic reasons and that the burden of care is too much — not just for him, but for anyone. To have one person “on” alone round-the-clock is inhumane — with babies, elders, any kind of dependent care.
That said — if he and your parents keep refusing the help you’ve offered and insisting on the help you haven’t offered, then you’ll have a pointless, painful standoff. My only advice for that is … to carry on with what you’re offering. Yes, it’s a theme. Which means finding ways to remain calm and focused on the care needs — and not get distracted by the lashings out.
Link
no subject
But Carolyn's right - if LW is offering up respite in the form of hired help, it's not okay for them to sit and complain that this isn't good enough. Also, serious thought here, no matter what help LW offers I bet Brother is going to resent that too, because his role is going to be diminished and that's just not fun even if you hate it.
no subject
If Brother & LW can get in writing that he gets most of the inheritance and the house (or something similar) in exchange for all of his care work over decades, it might help a lot with his stress and help him feel like the work he's doing is being more acknowledged. (Or it might not, if there's not much of an inheritance and he's watching what there is melt away.)
no subject
Anyway, my philosophical maundering aside, Carolyn is right. I do kind of wish I could tell Brother "you probably need some respite but this isn't the way to ask for it."
no subject
It was an absolute eye-opener for autistic old me when it was pointed out to me in therapy that what's said in anger doesn't have to be taken as The One True Truth.
no subject
Hurts like hell to hear them - hard or impossible to forget them - but just because they said them doesn't mean even they really believe they're true.
I like the advice here. Compassionate to everyone in this situation, which objectively sucks for everyone.
(Also, my friend and her sister both moved back in with their mother to care for her in age, because she wouldn't accept help from brothers or from strangers, and she won't really accept it from them, either. Not having her daughters to care for her was making her unhappy, yeah, but having them is not making her happy.)
no subject