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Mar. 27th, 2025 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyLink
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
We are leaving for a trip today. Since getting up this morning, I have made coffee, tea, and breakfast for everyone (me, my partner, and our toddler). I drank said tea and ate said breakfast. I packed for the trip for me and the toddler. Then I packed the car, showered, and got our toddler dressed.
In the same amount of time, my partner has drank the coffee I made him, which he is still dawdling over. Now, I hasten to say that I’m not the default parent. Given enough hours, my partner will do everything that has to get done. But we will be late—by hours—for everything that’s not an airplane flight or his own work meeting. If I want us to leave the house on time, I have no choice but to do everything. And I’m so sick of it. I get very anxious when we’re late.
But nothing—no amount of reminding, asking if I can help him do what he’s supposed to be doing, pleading, or passive-aggressive jabs (I know, not my finest moment)—will make him move faster. I’ve told him how stressed and upset this makes me; he just does not seem to get it (or care?). What do I do? Do I try to get over my severe anxiety about being late? (But seriously, if we are two hours late to a kid’s birthday party, we’ve missed the damn party! If we are two hours late leaving for a car trip, we’ll hit the worst of rush hour traffic in the nearby big city and the drive will be twice as long!) For what it’s worth, I was also diagnosed with autism four years ago but am high masking and still trying to figure out what role that plays in my parenting and relationships.
—Stressed and Late
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband of nine years passed away about six months ago after a quick and intense fight with cancer. I loved him so much and miss him, which I think is super important to say before this terrible thing I’m about to write that I haven’t let myself say out loud: Our 6-year-old daughter’s and my lives are so much less stressful without him. He had anxiety that he acknowledged but refused to actively manage, and I think he also had OCD. What I didn’t realize was how much worse his anxiety had gotten, a little bit at a time, over the 12 years we were together, and how much it was controlling all of our lives.
Since he died, there have been so many day-to-day and special situations where I’ve realized how much I was doing to try to manage his stress/anxiety, especially to keep it from affecting our daughter. Now we can go to the playground anytime we want without having to think about how many other people will be there. We can hop in the car on a Saturday morning and go for a spur-of-the-moment day trip. We can have people over to the house without a ton of advance notice, planning out every detail and panicking if the plan deviates in any way. My daughter and I went on a vacation over her last school break and we didn’t have to be back in the room every night at exactly bedtime to do the exact same routine as we do at home. So, while I miss my husband and I’m very sad for our daughter that he’s not here for her, it’s also incredibly freeing.
This is complicated enough, but I have now started to notice my in-laws’ anxiety so much more than I did before, now that I’m the only one here to deal with it. My husband was the one who “managed” them. (They live nearby and we have always had a close relationship, especially because my family is not nearby.) Recently, I invited them to come to an aquarium with us, and the whole experience was anxiety-riddled. Do we need to buy tickets ahead? (No.) Are you sure? (Yes.) What if they sell out for the day before we get there? (That has never happened in the 10-year history of the aquarium.) Are you sure the community lot nearby has enough parking (probably) and if it doesn’t, what’s the backup plan for parking (drive around until we find street parking)? What’s that neighborhood like? Should we be worried about leaving any belongings visible in the car? (Don’t leave your precious gems out, but your travel mug will be just fine.) Is there a backup restaurant planned for lunch in case the one my daughter specifically picked doesn’t have egg- and dairy-free options to accommodate her allergies? (My daughter and I viewed the menu online ahead and she identified at least three different things that appealed to her and that are safe for her to eat.) And that was just the lead-up to the trip! This is a good example of how things go now. Maintaining a strong relationship between them and my daughter is important to me, for the benefit of everyone. But their anxiety now feels smothering. Would it be wrong of me to bring this up to them somehow or do I need to just grin and bear it when dealing with them and maybe cut back seeing them a bit to preserve my sanity?
—No Worries Here
( Read more... )
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
We are leaving for a trip today. Since getting up this morning, I have made coffee, tea, and breakfast for everyone (me, my partner, and our toddler). I drank said tea and ate said breakfast. I packed for the trip for me and the toddler. Then I packed the car, showered, and got our toddler dressed.
In the same amount of time, my partner has drank the coffee I made him, which he is still dawdling over. Now, I hasten to say that I’m not the default parent. Given enough hours, my partner will do everything that has to get done. But we will be late—by hours—for everything that’s not an airplane flight or his own work meeting. If I want us to leave the house on time, I have no choice but to do everything. And I’m so sick of it. I get very anxious when we’re late.
But nothing—no amount of reminding, asking if I can help him do what he’s supposed to be doing, pleading, or passive-aggressive jabs (I know, not my finest moment)—will make him move faster. I’ve told him how stressed and upset this makes me; he just does not seem to get it (or care?). What do I do? Do I try to get over my severe anxiety about being late? (But seriously, if we are two hours late to a kid’s birthday party, we’ve missed the damn party! If we are two hours late leaving for a car trip, we’ll hit the worst of rush hour traffic in the nearby big city and the drive will be twice as long!) For what it’s worth, I was also diagnosed with autism four years ago but am high masking and still trying to figure out what role that plays in my parenting and relationships.
—Stressed and Late
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband of nine years passed away about six months ago after a quick and intense fight with cancer. I loved him so much and miss him, which I think is super important to say before this terrible thing I’m about to write that I haven’t let myself say out loud: Our 6-year-old daughter’s and my lives are so much less stressful without him. He had anxiety that he acknowledged but refused to actively manage, and I think he also had OCD. What I didn’t realize was how much worse his anxiety had gotten, a little bit at a time, over the 12 years we were together, and how much it was controlling all of our lives.
Since he died, there have been so many day-to-day and special situations where I’ve realized how much I was doing to try to manage his stress/anxiety, especially to keep it from affecting our daughter. Now we can go to the playground anytime we want without having to think about how many other people will be there. We can hop in the car on a Saturday morning and go for a spur-of-the-moment day trip. We can have people over to the house without a ton of advance notice, planning out every detail and panicking if the plan deviates in any way. My daughter and I went on a vacation over her last school break and we didn’t have to be back in the room every night at exactly bedtime to do the exact same routine as we do at home. So, while I miss my husband and I’m very sad for our daughter that he’s not here for her, it’s also incredibly freeing.
This is complicated enough, but I have now started to notice my in-laws’ anxiety so much more than I did before, now that I’m the only one here to deal with it. My husband was the one who “managed” them. (They live nearby and we have always had a close relationship, especially because my family is not nearby.) Recently, I invited them to come to an aquarium with us, and the whole experience was anxiety-riddled. Do we need to buy tickets ahead? (No.) Are you sure? (Yes.) What if they sell out for the day before we get there? (That has never happened in the 10-year history of the aquarium.) Are you sure the community lot nearby has enough parking (probably) and if it doesn’t, what’s the backup plan for parking (drive around until we find street parking)? What’s that neighborhood like? Should we be worried about leaving any belongings visible in the car? (Don’t leave your precious gems out, but your travel mug will be just fine.) Is there a backup restaurant planned for lunch in case the one my daughter specifically picked doesn’t have egg- and dairy-free options to accommodate her allergies? (My daughter and I viewed the menu online ahead and she identified at least three different things that appealed to her and that are safe for her to eat.) And that was just the lead-up to the trip! This is a good example of how things go now. Maintaining a strong relationship between them and my daughter is important to me, for the benefit of everyone. But their anxiety now feels smothering. Would it be wrong of me to bring this up to them somehow or do I need to just grin and bear it when dealing with them and maybe cut back seeing them a bit to preserve my sanity?
—No Worries Here
( Read more... )