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1. Dear Care and Feeding,
We are leaving for a trip today. Since getting up this morning, I have made coffee, tea, and breakfast for everyone (me, my partner, and our toddler). I drank said tea and ate said breakfast. I packed for the trip for me and the toddler. Then I packed the car, showered, and got our toddler dressed.
In the same amount of time, my partner has drank the coffee I made him, which he is still dawdling over. Now, I hasten to say that I’m not the default parent. Given enough hours, my partner will do everything that has to get done. But we will be late—by hours—for everything that’s not an airplane flight or his own work meeting. If I want us to leave the house on time, I have no choice but to do everything. And I’m so sick of it. I get very anxious when we’re late.
But nothing—no amount of reminding, asking if I can help him do what he’s supposed to be doing, pleading, or passive-aggressive jabs (I know, not my finest moment)—will make him move faster. I’ve told him how stressed and upset this makes me; he just does not seem to get it (or care?). What do I do? Do I try to get over my severe anxiety about being late? (But seriously, if we are two hours late to a kid’s birthday party, we’ve missed the damn party! If we are two hours late leaving for a car trip, we’ll hit the worst of rush hour traffic in the nearby big city and the drive will be twice as long!) For what it’s worth, I was also diagnosed with autism four years ago but am high masking and still trying to figure out what role that plays in my parenting and relationships.
—Stressed and Late
Dear Stressed,
Since telling him how hard this is on you doesn’t get you anywhere, I suggest you stop trying to put your frustration into words. (I’m going to take the high road and assume the trouble is not that he doesn’t care but that he doesn’t get it. All too often, people find it impossible to believe that others’ experiences/feelings/reactions to things are different from their own. But your partner’s lack of empathy is a different subject for a different day.) You ask if you should “try to get over” your anxiety around your partner’s behavior. I could be way off the mark here, but I think it’s his failure to take you seriously that’s stirring up your anxiety at least as much as—or even more than—being late. I hasten to say that I’m not belittling your stress about being late (I have it too; I hate being late, and I especially hate when I’m late because someone else makes me late). But arriving late from time to time because your partner has a relaxed attitude about time (full disclosure: my own does too) is different from what you describe. This is a pattern that needs to be broken.
Stop telling him you’re stressed about his dawdling; stop asking him to hurry. Go ahead and get everything done that needs doing for yourself and your child—just as you did today, just as, I assume, you find yourself doing a lot. Tell him the exact time you need to leave the house to be on time for the birthday party, shopping trip, or what have you. And then, if he isn’t ready to walk out the door when it’s time to go (feel free to give him five to 10 minutes leeway if you’re feeling generous), go without him.
Don’t storm out. Don’t freak out. Just say, “They’re expecting us in 15 minutes, so we’re heading out. See you later.” Will this lead to an argument? Maybe. If so, don’t participate in it right then; tell him to save it for later, after you get home. And when you do talk about it later, stay calm. Remind him that you were clear about the plans. Tell him you hope he’ll be able to join you next time.
This scenario gets tougher if the plan is a big one, like a days-long trip away from home. That’s where I offer you option two: Stop making plans to go on trips together. If he proposes a fun trip to the seashore or his parents are expecting you all for Grandpa’s birthday weekend, tell him honestly that it will only be fun for you if the car is packed and you are all in it and about to pull away from the curb at X o’clock so that you miss the traffic you’ll hit if you’re late. Tell him that if he can’t promise that—and keep his promise—you don’t want to go. Or if you do want to go, let him know that you’ll go without him.
Keep this in mind (it took me years to figure it out; I’ll save you the trouble): Dawdling until you’re super-late is an effective passive-aggressive way to say, “I really don’t much want to go.” There’s no shame in doing things you want to do without someone who doesn’t want to do them. (And while any questions you have about the role your autism diagnosis plays in your relationship are worth exploring, perhaps with the help of a qualified therapist, I think wanting to be on time should not be pathologized. But then, I would think that, wouldn’t I?)
********
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband of nine years passed away about six months ago after a quick and intense fight with cancer. I loved him so much and miss him, which I think is super important to say before this terrible thing I’m about to write that I haven’t let myself say out loud: Our 6-year-old daughter’s and my lives are so much less stressful without him. He had anxiety that he acknowledged but refused to actively manage, and I think he also had OCD. What I didn’t realize was how much worse his anxiety had gotten, a little bit at a time, over the 12 years we were together, and how much it was controlling all of our lives.
Since he died, there have been so many day-to-day and special situations where I’ve realized how much I was doing to try to manage his stress/anxiety, especially to keep it from affecting our daughter. Now we can go to the playground anytime we want without having to think about how many other people will be there. We can hop in the car on a Saturday morning and go for a spur-of-the-moment day trip. We can have people over to the house without a ton of advance notice, planning out every detail and panicking if the plan deviates in any way. My daughter and I went on a vacation over her last school break and we didn’t have to be back in the room every night at exactly bedtime to do the exact same routine as we do at home. So, while I miss my husband and I’m very sad for our daughter that he’s not here for her, it’s also incredibly freeing.
This is complicated enough, but I have now started to notice my in-laws’ anxiety so much more than I did before, now that I’m the only one here to deal with it. My husband was the one who “managed” them. (They live nearby and we have always had a close relationship, especially because my family is not nearby.) Recently, I invited them to come to an aquarium with us, and the whole experience was anxiety-riddled. Do we need to buy tickets ahead? (No.) Are you sure? (Yes.) What if they sell out for the day before we get there? (That has never happened in the 10-year history of the aquarium.) Are you sure the community lot nearby has enough parking (probably) and if it doesn’t, what’s the backup plan for parking (drive around until we find street parking)? What’s that neighborhood like? Should we be worried about leaving any belongings visible in the car? (Don’t leave your precious gems out, but your travel mug will be just fine.) Is there a backup restaurant planned for lunch in case the one my daughter specifically picked doesn’t have egg- and dairy-free options to accommodate her allergies? (My daughter and I viewed the menu online ahead and she identified at least three different things that appealed to her and that are safe for her to eat.) And that was just the lead-up to the trip! This is a good example of how things go now. Maintaining a strong relationship between them and my daughter is important to me, for the benefit of everyone. But their anxiety now feels smothering. Would it be wrong of me to bring this up to them somehow or do I need to just grin and bear it when dealing with them and maybe cut back seeing them a bit to preserve my sanity?
—No Worries Here
Dear Here,
Bringing it up to them will serve no purpose: It won’t “fix” them, but it will likely make them feel ashamed (and even more anxious!). If you want your daughter to continue to be close to them—for both her sake and theirs (and I agree that this is important)—I’m afraid it’s going to be on you to find ways to cope better with their extreme anxiousness. If one of those ways is to cut back on the amount of time you spend in their company, so be it.
Either cut back on the outings, switch to spending time with them in a lower-stakes (for them) way—say, dinner at your house, where there are fewer variables to stress them out, or arrange for them to have special time alone with their granddaughter without you (if it doesn’t fill them with anxiety to do that). It is certainly possible for your child to grow up feeling close to her grandparents without seeing them, for example, every weekend.
But I think the most useful thing you can do, in no small part because it will model for your daughter how to deal with others’ anxiety, is work on your own responses to them. Try not to give in to your mounting frustration and irritation; try not to be impatient or condescending. You can afford to be generous: Most of the time you and your daughter are enjoying a newly relaxed life together. Surely you can forego an easygoing mood from time to time and patiently and gently answer your in-laws’ distressed and worried questions—no matter how silly they seem to you—with cheerful matter-of-factness. It may help to calm them. But even if it doesn’t, even if they thrum and tremble with anxiety from the moment plans are being made until the second the outing is over, your good-natured, calm, unruffled responses will send a steady stream of messages to your child: that she need not be anxious about whatever the particular thing that’s worrying them is, that other people’s distress need not be met with irritation—that compassion and kindness are worthy options—and that if she is feeling anxious, ever, you will be able to handle it with grace and thus help her to handle it. (And who knows? You may just end up faking it till you make it.)
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
We are leaving for a trip today. Since getting up this morning, I have made coffee, tea, and breakfast for everyone (me, my partner, and our toddler). I drank said tea and ate said breakfast. I packed for the trip for me and the toddler. Then I packed the car, showered, and got our toddler dressed.
In the same amount of time, my partner has drank the coffee I made him, which he is still dawdling over. Now, I hasten to say that I’m not the default parent. Given enough hours, my partner will do everything that has to get done. But we will be late—by hours—for everything that’s not an airplane flight or his own work meeting. If I want us to leave the house on time, I have no choice but to do everything. And I’m so sick of it. I get very anxious when we’re late.
But nothing—no amount of reminding, asking if I can help him do what he’s supposed to be doing, pleading, or passive-aggressive jabs (I know, not my finest moment)—will make him move faster. I’ve told him how stressed and upset this makes me; he just does not seem to get it (or care?). What do I do? Do I try to get over my severe anxiety about being late? (But seriously, if we are two hours late to a kid’s birthday party, we’ve missed the damn party! If we are two hours late leaving for a car trip, we’ll hit the worst of rush hour traffic in the nearby big city and the drive will be twice as long!) For what it’s worth, I was also diagnosed with autism four years ago but am high masking and still trying to figure out what role that plays in my parenting and relationships.
—Stressed and Late
Dear Stressed,
Since telling him how hard this is on you doesn’t get you anywhere, I suggest you stop trying to put your frustration into words. (I’m going to take the high road and assume the trouble is not that he doesn’t care but that he doesn’t get it. All too often, people find it impossible to believe that others’ experiences/feelings/reactions to things are different from their own. But your partner’s lack of empathy is a different subject for a different day.) You ask if you should “try to get over” your anxiety around your partner’s behavior. I could be way off the mark here, but I think it’s his failure to take you seriously that’s stirring up your anxiety at least as much as—or even more than—being late. I hasten to say that I’m not belittling your stress about being late (I have it too; I hate being late, and I especially hate when I’m late because someone else makes me late). But arriving late from time to time because your partner has a relaxed attitude about time (full disclosure: my own does too) is different from what you describe. This is a pattern that needs to be broken.
Stop telling him you’re stressed about his dawdling; stop asking him to hurry. Go ahead and get everything done that needs doing for yourself and your child—just as you did today, just as, I assume, you find yourself doing a lot. Tell him the exact time you need to leave the house to be on time for the birthday party, shopping trip, or what have you. And then, if he isn’t ready to walk out the door when it’s time to go (feel free to give him five to 10 minutes leeway if you’re feeling generous), go without him.
Don’t storm out. Don’t freak out. Just say, “They’re expecting us in 15 minutes, so we’re heading out. See you later.” Will this lead to an argument? Maybe. If so, don’t participate in it right then; tell him to save it for later, after you get home. And when you do talk about it later, stay calm. Remind him that you were clear about the plans. Tell him you hope he’ll be able to join you next time.
This scenario gets tougher if the plan is a big one, like a days-long trip away from home. That’s where I offer you option two: Stop making plans to go on trips together. If he proposes a fun trip to the seashore or his parents are expecting you all for Grandpa’s birthday weekend, tell him honestly that it will only be fun for you if the car is packed and you are all in it and about to pull away from the curb at X o’clock so that you miss the traffic you’ll hit if you’re late. Tell him that if he can’t promise that—and keep his promise—you don’t want to go. Or if you do want to go, let him know that you’ll go without him.
Keep this in mind (it took me years to figure it out; I’ll save you the trouble): Dawdling until you’re super-late is an effective passive-aggressive way to say, “I really don’t much want to go.” There’s no shame in doing things you want to do without someone who doesn’t want to do them. (And while any questions you have about the role your autism diagnosis plays in your relationship are worth exploring, perhaps with the help of a qualified therapist, I think wanting to be on time should not be pathologized. But then, I would think that, wouldn’t I?)
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband of nine years passed away about six months ago after a quick and intense fight with cancer. I loved him so much and miss him, which I think is super important to say before this terrible thing I’m about to write that I haven’t let myself say out loud: Our 6-year-old daughter’s and my lives are so much less stressful without him. He had anxiety that he acknowledged but refused to actively manage, and I think he also had OCD. What I didn’t realize was how much worse his anxiety had gotten, a little bit at a time, over the 12 years we were together, and how much it was controlling all of our lives.
Since he died, there have been so many day-to-day and special situations where I’ve realized how much I was doing to try to manage his stress/anxiety, especially to keep it from affecting our daughter. Now we can go to the playground anytime we want without having to think about how many other people will be there. We can hop in the car on a Saturday morning and go for a spur-of-the-moment day trip. We can have people over to the house without a ton of advance notice, planning out every detail and panicking if the plan deviates in any way. My daughter and I went on a vacation over her last school break and we didn’t have to be back in the room every night at exactly bedtime to do the exact same routine as we do at home. So, while I miss my husband and I’m very sad for our daughter that he’s not here for her, it’s also incredibly freeing.
This is complicated enough, but I have now started to notice my in-laws’ anxiety so much more than I did before, now that I’m the only one here to deal with it. My husband was the one who “managed” them. (They live nearby and we have always had a close relationship, especially because my family is not nearby.) Recently, I invited them to come to an aquarium with us, and the whole experience was anxiety-riddled. Do we need to buy tickets ahead? (No.) Are you sure? (Yes.) What if they sell out for the day before we get there? (That has never happened in the 10-year history of the aquarium.) Are you sure the community lot nearby has enough parking (probably) and if it doesn’t, what’s the backup plan for parking (drive around until we find street parking)? What’s that neighborhood like? Should we be worried about leaving any belongings visible in the car? (Don’t leave your precious gems out, but your travel mug will be just fine.) Is there a backup restaurant planned for lunch in case the one my daughter specifically picked doesn’t have egg- and dairy-free options to accommodate her allergies? (My daughter and I viewed the menu online ahead and she identified at least three different things that appealed to her and that are safe for her to eat.) And that was just the lead-up to the trip! This is a good example of how things go now. Maintaining a strong relationship between them and my daughter is important to me, for the benefit of everyone. But their anxiety now feels smothering. Would it be wrong of me to bring this up to them somehow or do I need to just grin and bear it when dealing with them and maybe cut back seeing them a bit to preserve my sanity?
—No Worries Here
Dear Here,
Bringing it up to them will serve no purpose: It won’t “fix” them, but it will likely make them feel ashamed (and even more anxious!). If you want your daughter to continue to be close to them—for both her sake and theirs (and I agree that this is important)—I’m afraid it’s going to be on you to find ways to cope better with their extreme anxiousness. If one of those ways is to cut back on the amount of time you spend in their company, so be it.
Either cut back on the outings, switch to spending time with them in a lower-stakes (for them) way—say, dinner at your house, where there are fewer variables to stress them out, or arrange for them to have special time alone with their granddaughter without you (if it doesn’t fill them with anxiety to do that). It is certainly possible for your child to grow up feeling close to her grandparents without seeing them, for example, every weekend.
But I think the most useful thing you can do, in no small part because it will model for your daughter how to deal with others’ anxiety, is work on your own responses to them. Try not to give in to your mounting frustration and irritation; try not to be impatient or condescending. You can afford to be generous: Most of the time you and your daughter are enjoying a newly relaxed life together. Surely you can forego an easygoing mood from time to time and patiently and gently answer your in-laws’ distressed and worried questions—no matter how silly they seem to you—with cheerful matter-of-factness. It may help to calm them. But even if it doesn’t, even if they thrum and tremble with anxiety from the moment plans are being made until the second the outing is over, your good-natured, calm, unruffled responses will send a steady stream of messages to your child: that she need not be anxious about whatever the particular thing that’s worrying them is, that other people’s distress need not be met with irritation—that compassion and kindness are worthy options—and that if she is feeling anxious, ever, you will be able to handle it with grace and thus help her to handle it. (And who knows? You may just end up faking it till you make it.)
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It's also well-known that, on the whole, we're not a group of people best known for good time-management skills.
With that said, Husband is being more than a bit of an asshole. He's drinking coffee while LW is getting everything ready? LW needs to just leave on time, with or without him. (And see if they can push as much of the getting ready stuff to the night before, just to make him do it.)
2. Anxiety is hereditary. LW had a husband with anxiety, his parents have untreated anxiety, LW needs to figure this out because it's not impossible the kid will have anxiety too!
As for dealing with the inlaws, many commenters at Slate pointed out that, if nothing else, LW probably ought to buy the tickets in advance just to cut off that line of questioning. Fair enough.
But otherwise, yeah, I'd limit the variety of things to do with Inlaws - once a month dinner at LW's house would be repetitive and controlled, so there's less for the freeform anxiety to grab onto.
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bee hee hee I love envisioning the LWs reading each other's letters and answers, though I can't possibly enjoy it as much as the columnist did when she paired these letters.
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I'm not really comfortable with "being late is a sign that you don't want to do the thing that much." I believed that for years. Then I made some close friends with ADHD and discovered that one of the key factors there is that, for them, "I want to do this" is pretty disconnected from "I will have the executive function to do this." I personally am Captain Executive Function. I have an acutely functioning time sense. Not everyone does. Not everyone can. Deciding that they don't want to do stuff with you because of it is not a friendly move.
...but the net result is often the same, which is that whether they want to do something or not, some people are just not capable of making use of executive function and time sense to figure out what steps they need to take to make the thing happen. When I want to have a friendship with someone who doesn't have that or who has used it all up on making it to their job on time, it will make everybody happier if our plans do not require them to do things they literally can't do. It's a bit like...if my friend's entire entertainment budget for the quarter is about $100, I don't plan to go to a restaurant that costs $100/head. Even if I can afford that restaurant. Because they can't, and it's not fair to act like they can, and it will make both of us unhappy.
(This is probably easier because I don't live with anyone with this brain wiring, though; I haven't had a child with anybody with this brain wiring.)
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yeah, the way my ADHD brain handles the thing you're describing is "Well, I want to do the thing. But the idea of overcoming the gap in executive function required to do the thing is so vastly unpleasant and unthinkable that I prefer the idea of saying 'fuck it' and staying home." This includes the thing ranging from picking the restaurant, to going over to a friend's house, to going to bed, to depositing that rebate check. I've used the executive function all up on doing my job and going to the bathroom and feeding my cats.
The net result, as you say, is the same.
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But that's not the same as the innate strong desire to be on time to places. I think I have some mild OCD attributes (people who know me may laugh at this point), and this may be one of them.
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I realized I'd said a bit more in public than I should.
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The LW saying "he just does not seem to get it (or care?)" suggests that her husband is thinking of this as being LW's problem, not a joint problem that they should address together. That would be a problem even if she does get him to sit down and work on ways that he can take back some of the load.
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Oh well said. I was thinking about this letter and your comment crystallized my thoughts.
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If I'm reading this right, in a couple of years he's going to be one of those people who complains that a divorce "came out of nowhere," because from his viewpoint nothing changed, and from hers that's exactly the problem.
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He's definitely got problems, one of which is not thinking her anxiety is important enough to work on solutions himself. But being late enough to a birthday party that you miss the entire thing is something more than just wanting to make your wife take all the responsibility.
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No kid, and no formal diagnoses, but otherwise I could have written this, and I’ve definitely not seen it said out loud before. In fiction, when people are relieved after their spouse’s death, it’s almost always because spouse was abusive. Being so anxious that your family has to walk on eggshells has similarities with abusive behavior but it’s not quite the same thing.
Whew, glad I got that off my chest.
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