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Mar. 25th, 2025
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Mar. 25th, 2025 01:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyDear Carolyn: Recently, my two teen sons have talked to me about what they feel was a traumatic childhood because their father, who struggles with emotional dysregulation, was at times volatile and angry. They cite specific incidents and say they are not sure they will want to remain in contact once they are grown.
I recall these incidents, too, and I am not surprised they were distressing to my boys. I did my best at the time, and I frequently intervened. Still, I was a bit surprised at the intensely negative way they see their dad. I didn’t say that because I fear it sounds like gaslighting; maybe these experiences really were much more traumatic than I realized. Maybe their dad is a much more abusive person than I realized.
I feel disoriented by their disclosure — worried they will see me as having stood by and allowed it. Worried the man I am married to is an abuser. How do I process this?
— Worried
( Read more... )
I recall these incidents, too, and I am not surprised they were distressing to my boys. I did my best at the time, and I frequently intervened. Still, I was a bit surprised at the intensely negative way they see their dad. I didn’t say that because I fear it sounds like gaslighting; maybe these experiences really were much more traumatic than I realized. Maybe their dad is a much more abusive person than I realized.
I feel disoriented by their disclosure — worried they will see me as having stood by and allowed it. Worried the man I am married to is an abuser. How do I process this?
— Worried
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Mar. 25th, 2025 01:13 pmconulyHi, Carolyn: When my brother “Harry” was 18, he got his 16-year-old girlfriend pregnant. Both families are super religious, and all the adults sort of decided they should get married. I was 15 and her brother was 18 at the time, and we were the only attendants. It really was a nice wedding, and it made both our mothers very happy, but I could tell my brother’s heart wasn’t in it. Harry got a construction job, and his new wife finished high school. Her mom and my mom kept care of the baby. So, about two years in, they got divorced and there were a lot of hard feelings.
My nephew is now 11. His mom is kind of a rock star to me because she is a great mom, finished college and is now a teacher. Her relationship with my side of the family is not exactly cold, but also not exactly warm. My parents see their grandson one weekend a month. Harry hasn’t been very attentive but pays a small amount of child support. And we love our nephew/grandson to bits.
I am in graduate school. About a year ago, I ran into the mom’s brother on campus and we went for coffee. I hadn’t seen him since I was a teenager. He is also in grad school, and we’ve been seeing each other (on the sly) for about a year. He’s a good guy, and I have fallen for him. He feels the same toward me.
Our siblings’ divorce is still really a sore point. I think the only person who would be okay with us as a couple is my nephew. We both want to come clean with our siblings and our parents, but we also don’t want to blow up the fragile peace treaty we’ve all been living under for over a decade. I’m not even sure how to bring this up with my mom and dad. I could really use some talking points.
Not a Blushing Bride: Unless you intend to break up to avoid the blowup, your time is up to tell. (Sorry, it kind of unspooled as a country song.)
It’s either-or at this point. You’re either deciding once and for all the delicate family balance is the higher priority than your happiness, or you’re just stalling.
It may seem as if this situation is too nuanced, heartbreaking and sensitive for that kind of black-and-white decisiveness, but “this situation” is your siblings’. It has nothing to do with you two besides proximity. Nothing. Truly.
So I understand your reluctance to date out loud around your families — completely — I am way more sympathetic than I sound. But you were wrong to indulge your reluctance through the “being cautious” and “being discreet” zones, well into “being dishonest by omission.”
That’s it for errors, though — which gives you the lowest error rate in this group besides your nephew. Everything else about you two is, frankly, beautiful. From here, at least. Two adults on similar paths, falling for each other organically, at a gentle pace.
If your two families can’t find room in their beliefs to support that, at least as much as they supported your siblings, then their talking points are the ones I’d sure like to hear.
There you go. There’s one talking point.
In-your-face probably works better for me than it does for you in this situation, so, a gentler version: “All due respect, we are ourselves, not extensions of our siblings.”
And: “I know it’s jarring. But I hope in time you can be happy for me.” Implied, for now: “Because it’s not about you.”
It’s just not. That’s what you lean on for strength.
And if the disclosure conversation goes sideways: “I won’t try to talk to you into it, because I’m not asking permission. But I’ll give you space and hope the part about my being with a good guy who loves me is what stays with you.”
So freeing.
Oh — and each of you tells your siblings first, of course, not your parents. For reasons I hope are obvious. Good luck.
Link
My nephew is now 11. His mom is kind of a rock star to me because she is a great mom, finished college and is now a teacher. Her relationship with my side of the family is not exactly cold, but also not exactly warm. My parents see their grandson one weekend a month. Harry hasn’t been very attentive but pays a small amount of child support. And we love our nephew/grandson to bits.
I am in graduate school. About a year ago, I ran into the mom’s brother on campus and we went for coffee. I hadn’t seen him since I was a teenager. He is also in grad school, and we’ve been seeing each other (on the sly) for about a year. He’s a good guy, and I have fallen for him. He feels the same toward me.
Our siblings’ divorce is still really a sore point. I think the only person who would be okay with us as a couple is my nephew. We both want to come clean with our siblings and our parents, but we also don’t want to blow up the fragile peace treaty we’ve all been living under for over a decade. I’m not even sure how to bring this up with my mom and dad. I could really use some talking points.
Not a Blushing Bride: Unless you intend to break up to avoid the blowup, your time is up to tell. (Sorry, it kind of unspooled as a country song.)
It’s either-or at this point. You’re either deciding once and for all the delicate family balance is the higher priority than your happiness, or you’re just stalling.
It may seem as if this situation is too nuanced, heartbreaking and sensitive for that kind of black-and-white decisiveness, but “this situation” is your siblings’. It has nothing to do with you two besides proximity. Nothing. Truly.
So I understand your reluctance to date out loud around your families — completely — I am way more sympathetic than I sound. But you were wrong to indulge your reluctance through the “being cautious” and “being discreet” zones, well into “being dishonest by omission.”
That’s it for errors, though — which gives you the lowest error rate in this group besides your nephew. Everything else about you two is, frankly, beautiful. From here, at least. Two adults on similar paths, falling for each other organically, at a gentle pace.
If your two families can’t find room in their beliefs to support that, at least as much as they supported your siblings, then their talking points are the ones I’d sure like to hear.
There you go. There’s one talking point.
In-your-face probably works better for me than it does for you in this situation, so, a gentler version: “All due respect, we are ourselves, not extensions of our siblings.”
And: “I know it’s jarring. But I hope in time you can be happy for me.” Implied, for now: “Because it’s not about you.”
It’s just not. That’s what you lean on for strength.
And if the disclosure conversation goes sideways: “I won’t try to talk to you into it, because I’m not asking permission. But I’ll give you space and hope the part about my being with a good guy who loves me is what stays with you.”
So freeing.
Oh — and each of you tells your siblings first, of course, not your parents. For reasons I hope are obvious. Good luck.
Link