Care and Feeding: My Son’s Role in the School Play Makes My Flesh Crawl—but He Loves It

[cereta]

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old son, “Ed.” Ed’s in his school’s theater club, and they’re putting on production for the end of the year. Normally they do Shakespeare adaptations, but this year the club president decided to shake things up and they’re staging an adaptation of some old sci-fi video game, about a group of people (aliens, I suppose) trying to reclaim their homeworld after an exile. Ed is playing the senior fleet intelligence officer. I’ve been to a few of his practices, and the character he plays, as well as the degree he gets into character, is extremely disturbing. It’s this extremely cold, callous, ultra-professional in a very nasty profession sort of character. He has another character tortured to death and later relates it to the other bridge crew/major characters with a completely casual “Subject did not survive interrogation.” He pretty much never shows anything on his face when playing the part, and several of the other characters are noticeably uneasy around his.

I get that Ed isn’t the characters he plays. But the way he shifts into this character and holds that role makes my flesh crawl. I’ve seriously considered pulling him out of the theater club over this, although I haven’t pulled the trigger on that so far. Am I going too far with this? Ed would hate it if I yanked him out, but at the same time I am convinced that playing this character is unhealthy.

—Theater Trouble

Dear Theater Trouble,

I think you could have stopped at “Ed isn’t the characters he plays”! Making him quit the club seems like it would be a massive overreaction. If you find him disturbing in this role, don’t you think that probably just speaks to his ability as an actor? If the club had stuck with Shakespeare and put on Othello, would you force him to give up the role of Iago?

I’m guessing that Ed likes theater club or he wouldn’t be a part of it. Instead of freaking out and yanking him from the production, maybe ask him how he feels and how it’s been going for him. What does he think about the play? How does he feel about his character? What sort of direction or input is he getting from the club? What other sorts of roles would he be interested in down the line? Let him tell you about the experience; the good things he gets out of participating. This is one role in one play—you may not like it, but try to remember that he’s an actor playing a part and let him enjoy it.

Care and Feeding: My Teen Just Blew Up at Me Over His “Right to Privacy.” Excuse Me?

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Dear Care and Feeding,

A few months ago, I caught my 13-year-old son, “Daniel,” with a pack of cigarettes in his room. No idea how he got them, and he refused to tell me, instead insisting he had a “right to privacy,” which he knows is conditional on him behaving properly. That led to several arguments and him calling me some truly vile, misogynistic names.

I managed to secure a therapist who specialized in adolescent care, and the first appointment was three weeks ago. Only, I just got a call this afternoon from the therapist, who tells me that this probably won’t work out. All three occasions, Daniel has steadfastly refused to talk to him about anything more personal than the latest sports news. He is convinced that the therapist will report on anything he says to me, and refuses to talk despite him telling my son that their conversations are confidential.

The therapist offered to recommend Daniel to a colleague of his, but I don’t know if it will work any better. Clearly, his oppositional defiance, which is what I think this is, has gotten very advanced and very sudden. He used to be such a well-behaved boy. And I don’t know what’s gotten into him or how to fix it. Right now, I’m scrambling, and I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go from here?

—Getting Him Back on the Right Track

Dear Right Track,

Take Daniel’s therapist up on his recommendation; this person may be a better fit for your son, and you don’t want to give up on the therapy so soon. It’s not uncommon to try a few providers before finding someone who works. I think you want to diligently address his misogyny before it goes any further; read up on raising anti-sexist boys in a culture of toxic masculinity. Try Raising Feminist Boys and How to Raise a Feminist Son. Also, pay attention to the content he’s consuming and monitor his online behavior, as well as his communications with his friends; be on the lookout for incel/manosphere content. Many boys your son’s age are being indoctrinated by deeply misogynistic influencers and YouTubers.

When Daniel misbehaves, he should face consequences: loss of screen time, no outings, etc. In my opinion, a kid displaying this type of behavior should not have a cell phone, unless it’s a basic one for dialing in and out to his parents. Remain firm with him, no matter how oppositional he may be. Try not to let him see you frustrated or feeling out of control. Let Daniel know regularly that you love and care for him, and that you only want him to live a good life. Do some research in to raising oppositional children. Though he may not be diagnosed as of yet, you may still find Raising Children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder to be helpful. Be patient with yourself and with Daniel, and remain consistent with therapy. There may be a reason for his behavior that you would be unable to determine on your own.

Dear Prudence: Help! Our New Neighbor Claimed She Was “Getting Her Life Together.” Then We Saw the C

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Dear Prudence,

My husband and I could use some serious help regarding a situation in our neighborhood that we feel has gotten out of control. We are proud homeowners in a cul-de-sac we’ve grown very fond of. The neighborhood is a mix of long-time owners and renters, and several months ago a young woman I’ll call “Kelsey” moved into one of the houses in our cul-de-sac that was available for rent, with her two pitbulls. I love dogs and have a rescue pit mix myself, so my husband and I struck up a conversation with her one day while she was walking the dogs to welcome her to the neighborhood. She seemed friendly and told me how excited she was to be living there—she said she was evicted from her previous apartment because of her dogs and had been living in her car on and off and was ready to “get her life together.”

She started doing some yard work for our elderly neighbors, and when I suggested to my husband that we could use some help with our yard as well, he broached concerns he had about her—namely that he suspected that she had a history of using drugs and believed she might still be using based off of her appearance, mannerisms, and desire for cash-in-hand work. At first, I thought he was being too harsh on her, but he has far more experience with this than I do—his cousin is a recovered drug addict, and he has volunteered at a methadone clinic.

Recently, our neighbor “Barry” (who is a friend of my husband’s and comes over regularly) showed us some distressing ring camera footage. A package of his was stolen off their front porch late at night, clearly by Kelsey! He considered calling the police but opted to go to her house the next day to confront her directly. She immediately denied it and grew flustered and agitated before changing her story and telling him she thought it was hers before giving it back to him—and it had already been opened! Barry agrees with my husband that she is most likely using and told her that he would call the police if it happened again; and lo and behold, it happened again about a week later, this time to his roommate.

Barry was ready to call the police, but his roommate “Aaron” was adamantly opposed to that—he said that she’s had a hard life compared to the both of them, and that if she was caught with any drugs and potentially arrested it would only send her back into a cycle of homelessness and addiction. He suggested that they just get their packages delivered elsewhere, which we all think is absolute nonsense. When Barry pushed back and said he was going to call the police regardless, Aaron told him that he was so opposed to that he would try to get him evicted, which he could most likely do because his dad is the owner of the house in which Barry rents a room!

My husband, Barry, and I are all extremely distressed by this—Barry loves his living arrangement, but we are all increasingly concerned about Kelsey’s presence in the neighborhood if there are no consequences for her unacceptable behavior. I am also concerned for our elderly neighbors who she has been helping—she has started helping them with house cleaning and I’m worried that she might be stealing from them. I told Barry that we would be happy to report her ourselves and make it abundantly clear to Aaron that we did it and that Barry wasn’t involved, but he is worried that Aaron won’t care and would try to get him evicted anyways since he knows that we are friends with him. What on earth can we do about this? We’re worried about her actions escalating, and Barry feels held hostage. Please help!

—Cul-de-sac Conundrum

Dear Cul-de-sac Conundrum,

Well, Barry definitely needs to get out of that living situation. If his roommate, AKA his landlord’s son, is threatening him with eviction in order to get him to act a certain way, that’s an issue that has nothing to do with Kelsey. As Barry’s neighbor, I think you can communicate your concern for his toxic roommate relationship, but otherwise, there’s nothing else you can do to involve yourself in that particular dynamic.

One can relate to Barry’s wish for Kelsey to face some kind of formal consequences for stealing the packages, but I personally don’t think involving the police will be helpful for anyone in this situation. Whatever your own views on policing might be, it’s safe to say that calling the cops on a neighbor will only escalate tensions for the entire neighborhood, to put it mildly.

As for the issue of Kelsey, it may be helpful for you to build out whatever existing relationship you have with those elderly neighbors. Give them a drop-in and say hi a few times, and see if you can get a sense for how they feel about Kelsey’s help. I don’t think it’s crossing the line if you share with them what happened with Kelsey and the other house’s packages, and you can express concern that Kelsey might not be the most reliable source of help. But otherwise, if your suspicions about her substance abuse remain strictly suspicions, it would be unfair to spread what might be an unjustifiable rumor. The goal here is not to try to sniff out whether Kelsey is abusing drugs or stealing from more people, but more so to make yourself clearly available as a friendly neighbor and a potential source of help should anyone in the neighborhood need it.