Some letters from Good Question

[conuly]

Last week

This week

1. Dear Prudence,

Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. I thought she was simply a co-worker and I was wondering why my husband was so disturbed and emotional. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. She was in the early weeks of pregnancy when she died and my husband doesn’t know whether he or her husband was the father. So, on top of everything, he’s also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 A.M. crying and trembling—yet I don’t have the heart to yell at him like I want to. He says she’s dead, so there’s no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. We’ve barely talked these last weeks because I don’t know how to respond to my husband when he cries and says he misses her and wishes she were here, then also how much he loves me and that he never intended to leave me. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said he’s “not ready” to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Or should I demand he focus on our marriage?

( Read more... )

***

2. In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?

DAD

( Read more... )

****

3. A friend takes his new dog with him wherever he goes. My building has a strict no-pets policy. A neighbor was asked to leave once the landlord discovered her cat. Therefore, I do not want the dog coming over to visit. My friend told me that if the dog is not welcome, then he is not welcome. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I feel he’s being irrational. What is the best way to deal with this?

( Read more... )

****

4. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently passed, and I sent thank-you notes to everyone who gave a monetary gift or sent flowers.

Are thank-you notes required to those who attended the wake services? I heard that a friend of a friend was offended at not receiving a thank-you.

( Read more... )

****

5. Dear Pay Dirt,

My dad passed away last year and my mom is in delicate health. My dad invested well and there is enough to keep her comfortable even if she lives to 102. We don’t have a close relationship but my brother is unreliable, at best, so when she asked me to be the executor of the will I agreed.

But now that I know more about the will, I’m horrified. The will leaves a little to charity, a little to their church, and a very very little (like $100) to my brother’s young kids, and a dollar to my brother. The bulk of the estate is left to me, my family, and my children. But outside the will, my mom has verbally told me and left written instructions asking me to pay out half of “my” inheritance to my brother under the table within six months of receiving it. He apparently owes considerable child support and both my brother and my mom are convinced this will avoid garnishment. I didn’t react on the phone call with them because I was so stunned. I’m starting to question whether she’s of sound mind.

Not only is this illegal and unethical it’s also something I wouldn’t even know how to do. The cleanest thing I can think of is to give half of the inheritance to my brother, legally and with transparency. He will be subject to taxes and anything else. I assume he will be furious and that our relationship will not recover. It might seem simple on paper but I’m heartbroken by this, and worried about losing any remaining connection to my extended family.

I have no idea how to have this conversation with my mom or brother, or if I even should. My mom has always doted on my brother, and her jealous treatment of his now ex-wife seemed like a major driver in their divorce. She’s never done anything like this before, though, , and I’m worried it’s a combination of previous feelings and new cognitive problems. How do I even start here?

—Unwilling Inheritor

( Read more... )

****

6. DEAR ABBY: I've been married a long time. My in-laws have been a problem during my entire marriage. I've had serious health issues and a lot of surgeries over the past 10 years. My cancer came back, and I had to have colon surgery just to name one.

Most recently, I had hand surgery. When my in-laws found out, they couldn't stop laughing at me. When one of them saw me again, she laughed and asked, "Any more planned?" I didn't answer; I just walked away. I want to cut them out of my life. My husband is not supportive. Am I wrong? -- RECOVERING IN INDIANA

( Read more... )

Ask A Manager: Coworker Masturbates In Bathroom

[minoanmiss]

Title tells it. ( Read more... )

Care and Feeding: I made a bad joke about my sister's baby

[cereta]

Link.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a visit to my older sister “Marissa” and her 2-month-old daughter “Mariah.” When Marissa commented how much of an angel my niece was, I jokingly replied that she’d better enjoy it now because by the time Mariah turns 12, she’s going to hate the sight of her. Then all hell broke loose.

She broke down crying! My younger sister, who was also there, got up and practically shoved me out the front door! Later, I got a text from my brother-in-law saying that I was not welcome at their house until I apologized. Not long after that, my mother called and chewed me out. Aren’t they taking this too far? I was just trying to be funny. It’s not like I told a dead baby joke!

—Learn to Laugh!

Dear Learn to Laugh,

Your sister is still in the delicate postpartum period, during which emotions can run high. In a state like that, the idea of your sweet little angel growing up to resent you may be a little much to handle—or at least it was for her. I would imagine that your other relatives are simply being sensitive to her emotional state, even if it feels like a bit of an overreaction. I’ll be honest: As the parent of a child at the age where she sometimes seems to hate seeing me, I don’t find anything funny about it. The easiest thing to do in this situation would be to simply apologize to your sister. Let her know that you were just being silly and didn’t mean any harm. Be particularly mindful of her feelings over the next few months (really, the next year); her life has changed drastically, and what may seem small to you may be hurtful to her.

Dear Prudence: Do I have to attend Mass to attend a christening

[cereta]

Letter is down the page.

Dear Prudence,

A few years ago, I attended a christening for my friend Deb’s son. I’d never been to one before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was a bit surprised by the length of the Mass beforehand, which lasted for over an hour. The christening itself came at the very end and was over relatively quickly. Now Deb’s had her second baby, and I’m invited to this christening too. I asked if she anticipated the ceremony would start at the same time as the first one, and she just told me what time the Mass started. I said I didn’t plan on attending Mass, but that I’d be there for the christening. She got really irritated and said coming to just the ceremony and luncheon would be like skipping a wedding ceremony and showing up at the reception. I don’t think that’s a great comparison, because the wedding ceremony is incorporated throughout the Mass. I wouldn’t miss anything if I skipped this religious service. I’m not sure why I’m expected to sit through a full Sunday Mass when it’s not my religion. If it matters, Deb isn’t really religious at all. Besides her wedding (which was really more for her husband—she would have happily been married by a judge) and the last christening, I’ve never known her to attend Mass in the 10 years we’ve been friends. So, am I being rude by not attending the Mass?

—Christening Conundrum

It’s less a question of “Is it universally rude to skip an hourlong religious ceremony before a christening and catered luncheon?” (which has several answers, many of which add up to “not really, but … ”) than it is “Will Deb be offended if I skip Mass before her kid’s christening?” To which the answer is pretty clearly yes, because she’s told you she will. In the grand scheme of things, if this 10-year friendship is otherwise solid, and you don’t have any particular objection to her lightly observed religion, I’d advise you to go for the whole thing, be bored for an hour, then have a lot of cake and praise her second child’s noble mien and regal bearing throughout the sprinkling. Getting into an argument about how much a christening does or doesn’t track with a wedding seems like a waste of your time and hers. It’s perfectly fine, and common, to sit through the service of a faith you don’t practice because you’ve been invited as a guest to celebrate an important milestone that’s important to the hosts. No one expects you to adopt that faith as your own or endorse the homily.

Now, just because this matters to her doesn’t mean you’re honor-bound to go. Your friendship doesn’t seem like it’s on the verge of a permanent rupture, and there’s nothing inconsistent with loving your friend, wanting to celebrate her baby, respecting her religion, and not wanting to sit through a full hour of Mass yourself. Plenty of people love their friends dearly but still wouldn’t attend a lengthy religious service just to please them. Instead of trying to negotiate the relative importance of the Mass, you might tell her this: “I’d love to come and celebrate the christening, but I’m not religious, and I’m not comfortable attending another service. If coming late for the christening and lunch would offend you, I won’t do it. I don’t share your faith, but I respect it, and I hope we can find a way to celebrate little Konrad von Marburg together another time.”

Two letters on terrible parenting choices

[conuly]

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

The other day, I was looking for one of my 3-year-old son “Zephyr’s” toy dinosaur cars and asked my husband “Todd” if he had any idea where it was. Todd replied that he threw it away to punish Zephyr for calling him “dumb.” I was appalled. When I asked him why he would do something so extreme, his answer was that it was “effective.” Several more of Zephyr’s dinosaur cars are missing as well, along with some of his other toys, and I had assumed they were just misplaced. I asked my husband if he had taken them away as well, and Todd said yes. For the last month or so, he has implemented a new rule: Zephyr will lose a toy whenever he does something wrong. Todd then asked whether I had noticed that Zephyr has been more compliant as of late. My son has, in fact, been more willing to follow the rules, but I have also noticed him becoming increasingly withdrawn and very protective of his belongings. We recently enrolled him in preschool, and I had assumed that was the reason behind it.

I related to Todd the changes I’ve noticed in Zephyr’s behavior, and my fear that what he is doing is emotionally damaging to our son. I told him I wanted it to stop immediately—there are other ways of enforcing rules, like time-out or taking away screen time or privileges. Todd countered that we’ve tried those punishments and they don’t work. According to him, a child Zephyr’s age is capable of understanding that “either he behaves, or soon he’ll have nothing to play with.”

Our son is a normal 3-year-old who does normal 3-year-old things like saying “no” sometimes when told to do something, or not wanting to go to bed when he’s supposed to, or being unwilling to try a new food. He’s not some hyperactive tornado who refuses to listen to anything. I am extremely concerned about how this will impact his mental health and his relationship with his dad, but my husband believes his approach is best. When I challenged Todd to find an expert in child development who would agree with him, his response was that “anything these so-called experts come up with doesn’t work in the real world.” Short of checking the trash before it’s taken out, what are my options here?

—Taking It Too Far

( Read more... )

**************

2. Dear Prudence,

Recently, my friends were talking about discipling kids. During that conversation, I mentioned that when I was younger, my father would discipline my siblings and me by hitting us. One of my friends decided that she was angry and traumatized on my behalf, and she says she won’t let it go unless confront my father the way she wants me to. In fact, my siblings and I have already had this conversation with my father and quite frankly, we were demons, and spanking was one of the only ways we learned consequences. We did insane things: I remember once we thought it was a good idea to jump on a glass coffee table, even though we had done that once before and my brother fell through it and cut up his legs.

I have a good relationship with my father, as do my siblings, and now we actually talk about things. Our dad apologized and said he thought he was too scary at times and we accepted and acknowledged there were times we willfully tried to get a rise out of him.
How do I get my friend to drop this? Her childhood may have been painful for her, but I have made peace with mine. I have given her several chances to back off; do I owe it one more conversation or should I cut her off? Usually we are great, supportive friends.

—Over the Past

( Read more... )