I recently discovered my husband of 10 years, “Rick,” had an affair

[firebatvillain]

Dear Prudence,

I recently discovered my husband of 10 years, “Rick,” had an affair—not just a fleeting moment of weakness, but an ongoing emotional and physical relationship. His affair partner, “David,” was a younger co-worker at his firm who’d deliberately tracked down my personal email and phone number to reveal every excruciating detail. The screenshots he sent revealed a connection and a depth of emotional intimacy that made my skin crawl.

When I confronted my husband, the facade crumbled instantly. He didn’t just admit to the affair; he collapsed into a sobbing mess, revealing layers of manipulation I’d never imagined. Apparently, this wasn’t a grand love story but a calculated power play. David—whom I later learned had been passed over for a significant promotion—used Rick’s professional frustrations and emotional vulnerability as a weapon. When he didn’t get the career advancement he wanted, he weaponized their entire affair, deliberately destroying our marriage as revenge against both my husband and the company.

Our social circle made this even more humiliating. I’m not the only person David told; I now find myself the topic of hushed conversations, pitying glances, and not-so-subtle gossip. The most brutal revelation came when Rick admitted he’d been contemplating leaving our marriage for months. He risked our entire shared history—our home, our combined investments, our reputation—for what amounted to a pathetic fantasy of feeling desired by a younger man.

The betrayal isn’t just the affair itself. I’m now having to completely re-evaluate the man I thought I knew better than anyone. Frankly, I’m kind of shocked that Rick was dumb enough to fall for this. David is simply too attractive to ever have been genuinely interested; Rick is a classically handsome older man, but David could probably have his pick of just about anybody. I’m insulted that Rick was so capricious about cheating on me that he fell for such an obvious con job.

Rick promises change. Therapy. Complete transparency. But I don’t trust a word he says anymore. My gut tells me to leave, but I’m honestly terrified by the prospect of single life. I count on Rick for financial and emotional support that I won’t have if I leave. I’m not sure whether I love Rick anymore, but I’m also not sure if that even matters. Maybe a loveless marriage with financial security is better than the alternative. What should I do?

—Betrayed, Bothered, and Bewildered

( Read more... )

Letters culled from Digg's Good Question

[conuly]

Good Question

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 15-year-old daughter, “Hayley.” For at least the past few months, Hayley’s been seeing this guy at her school, “Brian.” She’s invited him over a few times (to my house; her father and I aren’t together), and he’s been well-behaved. Still, teenagers being teenagers, I made it clear that either he could stay in the public areas of the house or, if he did go in her room, they should keep the door open to ensure that nothing untoward happened.

Teenagers being teenagers, they ignored me. I made them open the door. A few days later, they closed it again, and again I made them open the door. This kept happening. Finally, one day when I was working at home and Hayley was at school, I put a hole in the door to her room so I could look in when she had Brian over.

She threw a huge tantrum when she got home and saw what I’d done. I tried to explain to her that this was the consequence of her repeatedly ignoring my instructions/rules, but she wouldn’t even engage with me. She just grabbed some things from her room and stormed off. I assumed she’d just walked off in a huff and was heading to a friend’s house, but when she hadn’t returned hours later, I called her father. It turned out she had called for an Uber and traveled across town to his apartment. He was even colder than usual and said he was filing for a custody revision and didn’t want to communicate except through our lawyers. Hayley has refused to speak to me since.

This has spiraled way out of control. I don’t understand why she’s being so dramatic about this. Her father won’t even let Brian visit at his place—or at least he didn’t as of the last time I spoke with him. I don’t know why she’s gotten like this all of a sudden. Is there any option here except to wait it out?

—It Was Just a Door!

( Read more... )

**********

2. Dear Carolyn: My parents grew up in an era pre-answering machine or voicemail, where getting a phone call was a big deal and you dropped everything to take the call just in case it was important.

At least back in the day, the phone was connected to the wall, so I didn’t run into this problem — but thanks to smartphones and caller ID, my parents take their devices everywhere and answer every call I make, wherever they are. Including FaceTime on the toilet.

This has happened a lot. For years, I’ve told them — particularly Mom — they can let calls go to voicemail and finish what they are doing, but they see it as rude to let my call go to voicemail. I keep telling myself that someday, I will miss her quirks.

— Old Habits Die Hard

( Read more... )

*****

3. DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an older home with just one bathroom. I make sure that all personal products are off the counter when we have guests, but we’ve still had people snoop in the medicine cabinet and in the cupboard under the sink.

My teenaged nephew once commented loudly about finding laxatives in the medicine cabinet. Another time, he talked about finding a large box of tampons under the sink.

My sister-in-law, his mother, was angry at me and said we shouldn’t have embarrassing things that guests could find. Should we be editing our medicine cabinet in case guests snoop?

( Read more... )

********

4. Dear Sahaj: My husband and I come from different cultures and also have quite different personalities. We have navigated this pretty successfully for three decades, but there is an issue that has me at a breaking point.

My husband (like his family and many in his culture of origin) does not like to think about a bad thing possibly happening, as it seems to invite the bad thing into life. He will dismiss the possible risks or say there is no point in taking precautions. For instance, his parents refused to childproof their house. Even asking the grandparents to move a block of knives was interpreted as saying they wanted the children to be hurt, which is insulting. Thankfully our kids survived to adulthood.

I take a different approach and try to anticipate and remove hazards. My husband will say he agrees, but then he will undo the precautions when I’m not looking. For instance, our dog just had surgery and the vet said to set up a small recovery pen to keep her from moving too much. It was supposed to be for two weeks. I talked to my husband, and he agreed we’d only take her out of the pen on a leash. Two days after the surgery, I came home and she was off leash and out of the pen, which was open. He said: “There’s nothing I can do. She wants to come out.”

He’s been like this all our time together — to the extent that he will claim a relative with an end-stage terminal illness is “probably going to get better soon.” He comes from a high-context culture, so even if I say “I know you don’t want the bad thing to happen,” he immediately rewrites it into “she is saying I want the bad thing to happen.”

I’ve had no luck asking him to just tell me if he doesn’t plan to abide by my precautions. I am feeling worn down because knowing precautions have been taken reduces my worry about the chances of a bad outcome. It’s a shock to feel that security removed. I’m starting to see this as an issue of not being able to trust him, and that feels toxic to the marriage. And yet each individual incident is so small. Is there anything you can think of that can help me see this differently?

( Read more... )