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agonyaunt2025-01-07 08:51 pm
firebatvillain) wrote in agonyaunt2025-01-07 08:51 pm
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I recently discovered my husband of 10 years, “Rick,” had an affair
Dear Prudence,
I recently discovered my husband of 10 years, “Rick,” had an affair—not just a fleeting moment of weakness, but an ongoing emotional and physical relationship. His affair partner, “David,” was a younger co-worker at his firm who’d deliberately tracked down my personal email and phone number to reveal every excruciating detail. The screenshots he sent revealed a connection and a depth of emotional intimacy that made my skin crawl.
When I confronted my husband, the facade crumbled instantly. He didn’t just admit to the affair; he collapsed into a sobbing mess, revealing layers of manipulation I’d never imagined. Apparently, this wasn’t a grand love story but a calculated power play. David—whom I later learned had been passed over for a significant promotion—used Rick’s professional frustrations and emotional vulnerability as a weapon. When he didn’t get the career advancement he wanted, he weaponized their entire affair, deliberately destroying our marriage as revenge against both my husband and the company.
Our social circle made this even more humiliating. I’m not the only person David told; I now find myself the topic of hushed conversations, pitying glances, and not-so-subtle gossip. The most brutal revelation came when Rick admitted he’d been contemplating leaving our marriage for months. He risked our entire shared history—our home, our combined investments, our reputation—for what amounted to a pathetic fantasy of feeling desired by a younger man.
The betrayal isn’t just the affair itself. I’m now having to completely re-evaluate the man I thought I knew better than anyone. Frankly, I’m kind of shocked that Rick was dumb enough to fall for this. David is simply too attractive to ever have been genuinely interested; Rick is a classically handsome older man, but David could probably have his pick of just about anybody. I’m insulted that Rick was so capricious about cheating on me that he fell for such an obvious con job.
Rick promises change. Therapy. Complete transparency. But I don’t trust a word he says anymore. My gut tells me to leave, but I’m honestly terrified by the prospect of single life. I count on Rick for financial and emotional support that I won’t have if I leave. I’m not sure whether I love Rick anymore, but I’m also not sure if that even matters. Maybe a loveless marriage with financial security is better than the alternative. What should I do?
—Betrayed, Bothered, and Bewildered
I recently discovered my husband of 10 years, “Rick,” had an affair—not just a fleeting moment of weakness, but an ongoing emotional and physical relationship. His affair partner, “David,” was a younger co-worker at his firm who’d deliberately tracked down my personal email and phone number to reveal every excruciating detail. The screenshots he sent revealed a connection and a depth of emotional intimacy that made my skin crawl.
When I confronted my husband, the facade crumbled instantly. He didn’t just admit to the affair; he collapsed into a sobbing mess, revealing layers of manipulation I’d never imagined. Apparently, this wasn’t a grand love story but a calculated power play. David—whom I later learned had been passed over for a significant promotion—used Rick’s professional frustrations and emotional vulnerability as a weapon. When he didn’t get the career advancement he wanted, he weaponized their entire affair, deliberately destroying our marriage as revenge against both my husband and the company.
Our social circle made this even more humiliating. I’m not the only person David told; I now find myself the topic of hushed conversations, pitying glances, and not-so-subtle gossip. The most brutal revelation came when Rick admitted he’d been contemplating leaving our marriage for months. He risked our entire shared history—our home, our combined investments, our reputation—for what amounted to a pathetic fantasy of feeling desired by a younger man.
The betrayal isn’t just the affair itself. I’m now having to completely re-evaluate the man I thought I knew better than anyone. Frankly, I’m kind of shocked that Rick was dumb enough to fall for this. David is simply too attractive to ever have been genuinely interested; Rick is a classically handsome older man, but David could probably have his pick of just about anybody. I’m insulted that Rick was so capricious about cheating on me that he fell for such an obvious con job.
Rick promises change. Therapy. Complete transparency. But I don’t trust a word he says anymore. My gut tells me to leave, but I’m honestly terrified by the prospect of single life. I count on Rick for financial and emotional support that I won’t have if I leave. I’m not sure whether I love Rick anymore, but I’m also not sure if that even matters. Maybe a loveless marriage with financial security is better than the alternative. What should I do?
—Betrayed, Bothered, and Bewildered
Dear Betrayed,
It’s understandable that this ordeal has caused you to lose trust and respect for your husband. You will both need a lot of time to parse the fallout from his mistakes, and I encourage you to enlist the help of both personal therapists and/or a couples therapist in order to do so.
That said, I would caution you against taking any drastic actions any time soon. Every cell in your body wants to hit the “eject” button and parachute out of this marriage, and understandably so—the sum total of the betrayal and public humiliation involved would make anyone want to run for cover. But you’re rushing ahead if you’re already thinking that your only options are A) a loveless marriage, or B) immediate divorce. It sounds to me like there is a lot of room for reconciliation. No, your marriage won’t go “back to normal,” but you two could use this crisis as a way to rebuild trust, if not an entirely new marriage together, over the course of several months or even years. Marriage is mostly about surviving crises together, and you can bet that even if you divorce Rick and end up with someone new, that relationship will inevitably be similarly tested in some shape or form, too.
The way you feel about Rick right now is not going to be how you feel about this ordeal forever. It sounds to me that he was the victim of some serious manipulation, and you both deserve sympathy for the damage that David wrought on your household. Even if you ride this wave and ultimately decide to part ways in a few years, I don’t think you’ll regret the attempt to work through this together. You’re about to test the bounds of your patience, compassion, and commitment to each other. It won’t be easy or pretty, but if you give reconciliation a fair shot, you both might just discover along the way your transcendent capacity for all three.
By the way, this reddit post believes letter is a follow up to Captain Awkward #1442, which we previously discussed here: https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/779121.html
It’s understandable that this ordeal has caused you to lose trust and respect for your husband. You will both need a lot of time to parse the fallout from his mistakes, and I encourage you to enlist the help of both personal therapists and/or a couples therapist in order to do so.
That said, I would caution you against taking any drastic actions any time soon. Every cell in your body wants to hit the “eject” button and parachute out of this marriage, and understandably so—the sum total of the betrayal and public humiliation involved would make anyone want to run for cover. But you’re rushing ahead if you’re already thinking that your only options are A) a loveless marriage, or B) immediate divorce. It sounds to me like there is a lot of room for reconciliation. No, your marriage won’t go “back to normal,” but you two could use this crisis as a way to rebuild trust, if not an entirely new marriage together, over the course of several months or even years. Marriage is mostly about surviving crises together, and you can bet that even if you divorce Rick and end up with someone new, that relationship will inevitably be similarly tested in some shape or form, too.
The way you feel about Rick right now is not going to be how you feel about this ordeal forever. It sounds to me that he was the victim of some serious manipulation, and you both deserve sympathy for the damage that David wrought on your household. Even if you ride this wave and ultimately decide to part ways in a few years, I don’t think you’ll regret the attempt to work through this together. You’re about to test the bounds of your patience, compassion, and commitment to each other. It won’t be easy or pretty, but if you give reconciliation a fair shot, you both might just discover along the way your transcendent capacity for all three.
* * *
By the way, this reddit post believes letter is a follow up to Captain Awkward #1442, which we previously discussed here: https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/779121.html
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What would LW do if Rick up and died? You gotta have some sort of plan for not being part of a couple, and, I don't know, like... friends? Your own personal friends, not just couple friends?
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This is why one person cannot be everything! You gotta have friends! Platonic friends! Why does our society devalue every other relationship?
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Reddit theory
I think I buy the reddit theory that this is the same story as CA #1442, and I think it's not someone riffing off of it for fun, since it's 2 months later and in a diffent advice column. I think this might be the real deal! Either way, it seems like a bad situation and "Rick" completely failed to come clean to LW ahead of this when he had a chance.
Re: Reddit theory
Re: Reddit theory
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What a weird statement. As if very attractive people are unable to fall genuinely in love.
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In this case, the LW is hurt because his husband fell for the con, and it may be easier for him to think that Rick made a stupid mistake, than think that David is a selfish, manipulative person who decided he wanted the LW's attractive husband.
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I read a reddit post a few days ago where the poster was friends with a gay guy who kept falling for online romance scams ... but it wasn't just "how do I convince him [sketchy situation] is a scam", it was "my friend is ugly and ew and he keeps getting scammed by people using really hot guy pics, how do I convince him he's so ugly that if he gets feelers from Hunky McHunkerson it's 100% a scam because did I mention he's ugly".
This has kinda a similar vibe: doesn't he realize he's ugly, attractive people aren't going to go for him by choice, so if they seem to it's obviously for nefarious purposes. Which is just sad. On multiple levels.
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But no, it's "Nobody would date my spouse if they had any other options so I don't understand how they're managing to cheat on me".
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Yeah I was wondering.
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The spouse seems to be doing a big performance, but the fact that LW heard about this from the affair partner and not the spouse isn't great. He's not a strong personality and he thinks with his dick, not great traits but apparently he also lacks introspection.
The flip side of this, which LW should reflect back on the gossips and whisperers, is that the affair partner is a monster. A total snake. "We are and were dealing with that privately and that guy was trying to blackmail my spouse. It's very upsetting and I'd like to not talk about it."
Finally, LW needs counseling ASAP and so does the spouse, indivually, as well as couples counseling. Also, spouse needs to change jobs yesterday!
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