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Letters culled from Digg's Good Question
Good Question
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 15-year-old daughter, “Hayley.” For at least the past few months, Hayley’s been seeing this guy at her school, “Brian.” She’s invited him over a few times (to my house; her father and I aren’t together), and he’s been well-behaved. Still, teenagers being teenagers, I made it clear that either he could stay in the public areas of the house or, if he did go in her room, they should keep the door open to ensure that nothing untoward happened.
Teenagers being teenagers, they ignored me. I made them open the door. A few days later, they closed it again, and again I made them open the door. This kept happening. Finally, one day when I was working at home and Hayley was at school, I put a hole in the door to her room so I could look in when she had Brian over.
She threw a huge tantrum when she got home and saw what I’d done. I tried to explain to her that this was the consequence of her repeatedly ignoring my instructions/rules, but she wouldn’t even engage with me. She just grabbed some things from her room and stormed off. I assumed she’d just walked off in a huff and was heading to a friend’s house, but when she hadn’t returned hours later, I called her father. It turned out she had called for an Uber and traveled across town to his apartment. He was even colder than usual and said he was filing for a custody revision and didn’t want to communicate except through our lawyers. Hayley has refused to speak to me since.
This has spiraled way out of control. I don’t understand why she’s being so dramatic about this. Her father won’t even let Brian visit at his place—or at least he didn’t as of the last time I spoke with him. I don’t know why she’s gotten like this all of a sudden. Is there any option here except to wait it out?
—It Was Just a Door!
Dear Door,
I understand why Hayley is “being so dramatic.” What you did was creepy and weird. It’s one thing for a parent to set a clear boundary and a consequence for its crossing; it’s another to invade what an adolescent rightfully considers her private space. Her dad’s not letting Brian visit is a clear boundary (though I think it’s absurd: It doesn’t guarantee that Hayley and Brian won’t do anything “untoward”—your own stated goal; it only protects Dad from it happening on his watch so he can pretend it isn’t happening). Your insisting on an open bedroom door is a clear boundary too (one that seems somewhat less absurd to me because it’s a compromise of sorts—though it’s no more likely to keep the kids from making out, or having sex, than Dad’s rule because, even if they abided by it, there are plenty of other places they could go, as teenagers have done from time immemorial). But the consequence for the repeated crossing of your boundary could have been any number of punishments, including barring visits from Brian, being grounded, or having privileges revoked.
Cutting a hole in a 15-year-old’s door? All that is, it seems to me (and it must have seemed to Hayley), is a way of establishing dominance and letting her know that she is entitled to no privacy ever. And since authoritatively establishing dominance over a teenager is an excellent way to make sure your kid pushes back harder, and since not allowing a teenager privacy is likely to make that kid secretive and sneaky, you’ve harmed your relationship with Hayley in two big ways.
I have no idea what her relationship with her dad was like before this, or of the details of your current custody arrangement. I don’t know if Dad is truly alarmed by your over-the-top, reactive move and is rising to the occasion—or if he’s just enjoying the upper hand for the moment (getting to be the good guy by being sympathetic and supportive), the pleasures of which (if this is indeed the case) will surely wane once he and his mildly rebellious daughter are fully in the day to day of life together. I don’t know if his declaration is a threat he has no intention of actually carrying out, or if you’ll be going to court.
But I do think that just “waiting it out” without making a good-faith effort to communicate with your daughter would be a mistake. Let her know you love her and that you’re aware that there are other ways you could have handled the situation—and have a frank conversation with her about sex, in which you share what your concerns are, and hear her out. Don’t just talk at her. And not for nothing: I think your and her dad’s efforts up to now to keep Hayley from being sexually active are pointless, unrealistic, and doomed to fail. It would be much better to talk to her about safety, contraception, consent, and so on—and (I’ll say it again) to listen to what she has to say on the subject.
Link one
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2. Dear Carolyn: My parents grew up in an era pre-answering machine or voicemail, where getting a phone call was a big deal and you dropped everything to take the call just in case it was important.
At least back in the day, the phone was connected to the wall, so I didn’t run into this problem — but thanks to smartphones and caller ID, my parents take their devices everywhere and answer every call I make, wherever they are. Including FaceTime on the toilet.
This has happened a lot. For years, I’ve told them — particularly Mom — they can let calls go to voicemail and finish what they are doing, but they see it as rude to let my call go to voicemail. I keep telling myself that someday, I will miss her quirks.
— Old Habits Die Hard
Old Habits Die Hard: There’s no question here. Did you submit this just to share your pain with us? If so, then I do appreciate it. Excellent mental imagery there.
But if this is a cry for help, then there are some things you can do. If they are well-enough equipped to have formed some new habits, then preface each call to them with a text: “Is this a good time to call?” Specify, urgent or non-. Certainly, for the love of all that is holy, you can place a regular voice call first to find out whether it is safe for you to FaceTime.
If, for some reason, you or they are unable or unwilling to cooperate with these small behavior modifications, then you can warn them explicitly that you will hang up on them at the first glimpse of porcelain.
We’re all here* for you. (* “Here” being any number of extremely awkward places, which you have no way of knowing. You’re welcome.)
*****
3. DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an older home with just one bathroom. I make sure that all personal products are off the counter when we have guests, but we’ve still had people snoop in the medicine cabinet and in the cupboard under the sink.
My teenaged nephew once commented loudly about finding laxatives in the medicine cabinet. Another time, he talked about finding a large box of tampons under the sink.
My sister-in-law, his mother, was angry at me and said we shouldn’t have embarrassing things that guests could find. Should we be editing our medicine cabinet in case guests snoop?
GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has heard of a more effective solution, please do not say you got it from her.
The idea is to overload (some might say "booby-trap") the medicine cabinet before your snooping relatives arrive, so that when it is opened, things come tumbling out.
Alerted by the noise, you can then confront your nephew by asking sympathetically, and publicly, “Noah, dear, what were you looking for? Do you have a problem? Do you need some laxatives?”
Yes, this would take some work on your part. But you need only do it once.
Link three
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4. Dear Sahaj: My husband and I come from different cultures and also have quite different personalities. We have navigated this pretty successfully for three decades, but there is an issue that has me at a breaking point.
My husband (like his family and many in his culture of origin) does not like to think about a bad thing possibly happening, as it seems to invite the bad thing into life. He will dismiss the possible risks or say there is no point in taking precautions. For instance, his parents refused to childproof their house. Even asking the grandparents to move a block of knives was interpreted as saying they wanted the children to be hurt, which is insulting. Thankfully our kids survived to adulthood.
I take a different approach and try to anticipate and remove hazards. My husband will say he agrees, but then he will undo the precautions when I’m not looking. For instance, our dog just had surgery and the vet said to set up a small recovery pen to keep her from moving too much. It was supposed to be for two weeks. I talked to my husband, and he agreed we’d only take her out of the pen on a leash. Two days after the surgery, I came home and she was off leash and out of the pen, which was open. He said: “There’s nothing I can do. She wants to come out.”
He’s been like this all our time together — to the extent that he will claim a relative with an end-stage terminal illness is “probably going to get better soon.” He comes from a high-context culture, so even if I say “I know you don’t want the bad thing to happen,” he immediately rewrites it into “she is saying I want the bad thing to happen.”
I’ve had no luck asking him to just tell me if he doesn’t plan to abide by my precautions. I am feeling worn down because knowing precautions have been taken reduces my worry about the chances of a bad outcome. It’s a shock to feel that security removed. I’m starting to see this as an issue of not being able to trust him, and that feels toxic to the marriage. And yet each individual incident is so small. Is there anything you can think of that can help me see this differently?
Navigating Uncertainty: Of course you don’t feel like you can trust your husband. He has consistently acted in ways that contradict what he is saying. These may be “small” instances individually, but as issues build up and go unaddressed, they naturally become bigger.
Downplaying the negative side effects may help your husband and his family avoid distressing feelings. But extreme optimism is just denial, and denial is a defense mechanism that protects your husband from having to experience or learn to manage uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. This is not a cultural issue as much as it’s an emotion regulation issue complicated by cultural nuance or superstition.
When your husband says “there’s nothing I can do,” he’s essentially saying “I’m not at fault.” But this thinking exempts him from having to take responsibility for his choices and how they impact you. Focusing on how you can think of things differently isn’t the answer here — that is just a way to put the onus back on you to deal with this issue. Instead, I would encourage you to have a vulnerable, kind, nonconfrontational conversation with your husband. Sure, he might come from a high-context culture, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to share your own feelings. High-context cultures are less direct and more contextual, but relationships require communication so both parties can feel heard.
Express your feelings using I-statements — such as “I feel scared when …” or “I feel upset when …” Try doing this when there isn’t an imminent issue at hand so you can talk generally about the impact of his choices rather than specifically about something in the moment. This can sound like: “When you agree and then do the opposite, it makes it hard for me to trust your word.” Or: “I know we view some risks differently, but it’s starting to negatively affect me. I’d like to understand how this affects you, and I’d appreciate it if you try to do the same for me.”
If conversations continue to be going in circles, consider couples counseling. After all, being in relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict, but rather it’s about the repair of the conflict. I’d wager that if you struggle to resolve this conflict, there are likely other communication pitfalls within the relationship. You can have compassion for each other’s choices or approaches, but you still need to address how your relationship is suffering because of them.
If conversations continue to be going in circles, consider couples counseling. After all, being in relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict, but rather it’s about the repair of the conflict. I’d wager that if you struggle to resolve this conflict, there are likely other communication pitfalls within the relationship. You can have compassion for each other’s choices or approaches, but you still need to address how your relationship is suffering because of them.
Finally, while you continue to explore ways to connect with your husband on this, you can spend some time reflecting on your own emotion regulation. In these moments where you feel preoccupied with something bad happening, building skills for managing the anxiety while also being honest with yourself about the why behind certain preparations will be key. In the case of the knives or your dog’s surgery, you are driven by your loved one’s safety. In other cases, though, be honest if you need to take extra precautions or care to feel comfortable. You’ll want to identify the minimum standard for preparation and action so you can continue to seek out a middle ground with your husband.
In relationships, both parties have to be honest about what they are willing — or not — to do to help quell the other’s anxieties or worries. This is what safety looks like, and right now, you are struggling to feel safe in your relationship. Cultural differences or not, you want to focus on what you both share — a love and commitment in your partnership. That should be important enough for you both to take responsibility and accountability in how you affect the other person and hopefully find a new path moving forward.
Link four
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 15-year-old daughter, “Hayley.” For at least the past few months, Hayley’s been seeing this guy at her school, “Brian.” She’s invited him over a few times (to my house; her father and I aren’t together), and he’s been well-behaved. Still, teenagers being teenagers, I made it clear that either he could stay in the public areas of the house or, if he did go in her room, they should keep the door open to ensure that nothing untoward happened.
Teenagers being teenagers, they ignored me. I made them open the door. A few days later, they closed it again, and again I made them open the door. This kept happening. Finally, one day when I was working at home and Hayley was at school, I put a hole in the door to her room so I could look in when she had Brian over.
She threw a huge tantrum when she got home and saw what I’d done. I tried to explain to her that this was the consequence of her repeatedly ignoring my instructions/rules, but she wouldn’t even engage with me. She just grabbed some things from her room and stormed off. I assumed she’d just walked off in a huff and was heading to a friend’s house, but when she hadn’t returned hours later, I called her father. It turned out she had called for an Uber and traveled across town to his apartment. He was even colder than usual and said he was filing for a custody revision and didn’t want to communicate except through our lawyers. Hayley has refused to speak to me since.
This has spiraled way out of control. I don’t understand why she’s being so dramatic about this. Her father won’t even let Brian visit at his place—or at least he didn’t as of the last time I spoke with him. I don’t know why she’s gotten like this all of a sudden. Is there any option here except to wait it out?
—It Was Just a Door!
Dear Door,
I understand why Hayley is “being so dramatic.” What you did was creepy and weird. It’s one thing for a parent to set a clear boundary and a consequence for its crossing; it’s another to invade what an adolescent rightfully considers her private space. Her dad’s not letting Brian visit is a clear boundary (though I think it’s absurd: It doesn’t guarantee that Hayley and Brian won’t do anything “untoward”—your own stated goal; it only protects Dad from it happening on his watch so he can pretend it isn’t happening). Your insisting on an open bedroom door is a clear boundary too (one that seems somewhat less absurd to me because it’s a compromise of sorts—though it’s no more likely to keep the kids from making out, or having sex, than Dad’s rule because, even if they abided by it, there are plenty of other places they could go, as teenagers have done from time immemorial). But the consequence for the repeated crossing of your boundary could have been any number of punishments, including barring visits from Brian, being grounded, or having privileges revoked.
Cutting a hole in a 15-year-old’s door? All that is, it seems to me (and it must have seemed to Hayley), is a way of establishing dominance and letting her know that she is entitled to no privacy ever. And since authoritatively establishing dominance over a teenager is an excellent way to make sure your kid pushes back harder, and since not allowing a teenager privacy is likely to make that kid secretive and sneaky, you’ve harmed your relationship with Hayley in two big ways.
I have no idea what her relationship with her dad was like before this, or of the details of your current custody arrangement. I don’t know if Dad is truly alarmed by your over-the-top, reactive move and is rising to the occasion—or if he’s just enjoying the upper hand for the moment (getting to be the good guy by being sympathetic and supportive), the pleasures of which (if this is indeed the case) will surely wane once he and his mildly rebellious daughter are fully in the day to day of life together. I don’t know if his declaration is a threat he has no intention of actually carrying out, or if you’ll be going to court.
But I do think that just “waiting it out” without making a good-faith effort to communicate with your daughter would be a mistake. Let her know you love her and that you’re aware that there are other ways you could have handled the situation—and have a frank conversation with her about sex, in which you share what your concerns are, and hear her out. Don’t just talk at her. And not for nothing: I think your and her dad’s efforts up to now to keep Hayley from being sexually active are pointless, unrealistic, and doomed to fail. It would be much better to talk to her about safety, contraception, consent, and so on—and (I’ll say it again) to listen to what she has to say on the subject.
Link one
2. Dear Carolyn: My parents grew up in an era pre-answering machine or voicemail, where getting a phone call was a big deal and you dropped everything to take the call just in case it was important.
At least back in the day, the phone was connected to the wall, so I didn’t run into this problem — but thanks to smartphones and caller ID, my parents take their devices everywhere and answer every call I make, wherever they are. Including FaceTime on the toilet.
This has happened a lot. For years, I’ve told them — particularly Mom — they can let calls go to voicemail and finish what they are doing, but they see it as rude to let my call go to voicemail. I keep telling myself that someday, I will miss her quirks.
— Old Habits Die Hard
Old Habits Die Hard: There’s no question here. Did you submit this just to share your pain with us? If so, then I do appreciate it. Excellent mental imagery there.
But if this is a cry for help, then there are some things you can do. If they are well-enough equipped to have formed some new habits, then preface each call to them with a text: “Is this a good time to call?” Specify, urgent or non-. Certainly, for the love of all that is holy, you can place a regular voice call first to find out whether it is safe for you to FaceTime.
If, for some reason, you or they are unable or unwilling to cooperate with these small behavior modifications, then you can warn them explicitly that you will hang up on them at the first glimpse of porcelain.
We’re all here* for you. (* “Here” being any number of extremely awkward places, which you have no way of knowing. You’re welcome.)
3. DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an older home with just one bathroom. I make sure that all personal products are off the counter when we have guests, but we’ve still had people snoop in the medicine cabinet and in the cupboard under the sink.
My teenaged nephew once commented loudly about finding laxatives in the medicine cabinet. Another time, he talked about finding a large box of tampons under the sink.
My sister-in-law, his mother, was angry at me and said we shouldn’t have embarrassing things that guests could find. Should we be editing our medicine cabinet in case guests snoop?
GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has heard of a more effective solution, please do not say you got it from her.
The idea is to overload (some might say "booby-trap") the medicine cabinet before your snooping relatives arrive, so that when it is opened, things come tumbling out.
Alerted by the noise, you can then confront your nephew by asking sympathetically, and publicly, “Noah, dear, what were you looking for? Do you have a problem? Do you need some laxatives?”
Yes, this would take some work on your part. But you need only do it once.
Link three
4. Dear Sahaj: My husband and I come from different cultures and also have quite different personalities. We have navigated this pretty successfully for three decades, but there is an issue that has me at a breaking point.
My husband (like his family and many in his culture of origin) does not like to think about a bad thing possibly happening, as it seems to invite the bad thing into life. He will dismiss the possible risks or say there is no point in taking precautions. For instance, his parents refused to childproof their house. Even asking the grandparents to move a block of knives was interpreted as saying they wanted the children to be hurt, which is insulting. Thankfully our kids survived to adulthood.
I take a different approach and try to anticipate and remove hazards. My husband will say he agrees, but then he will undo the precautions when I’m not looking. For instance, our dog just had surgery and the vet said to set up a small recovery pen to keep her from moving too much. It was supposed to be for two weeks. I talked to my husband, and he agreed we’d only take her out of the pen on a leash. Two days after the surgery, I came home and she was off leash and out of the pen, which was open. He said: “There’s nothing I can do. She wants to come out.”
He’s been like this all our time together — to the extent that he will claim a relative with an end-stage terminal illness is “probably going to get better soon.” He comes from a high-context culture, so even if I say “I know you don’t want the bad thing to happen,” he immediately rewrites it into “she is saying I want the bad thing to happen.”
I’ve had no luck asking him to just tell me if he doesn’t plan to abide by my precautions. I am feeling worn down because knowing precautions have been taken reduces my worry about the chances of a bad outcome. It’s a shock to feel that security removed. I’m starting to see this as an issue of not being able to trust him, and that feels toxic to the marriage. And yet each individual incident is so small. Is there anything you can think of that can help me see this differently?
Navigating Uncertainty: Of course you don’t feel like you can trust your husband. He has consistently acted in ways that contradict what he is saying. These may be “small” instances individually, but as issues build up and go unaddressed, they naturally become bigger.
Downplaying the negative side effects may help your husband and his family avoid distressing feelings. But extreme optimism is just denial, and denial is a defense mechanism that protects your husband from having to experience or learn to manage uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. This is not a cultural issue as much as it’s an emotion regulation issue complicated by cultural nuance or superstition.
When your husband says “there’s nothing I can do,” he’s essentially saying “I’m not at fault.” But this thinking exempts him from having to take responsibility for his choices and how they impact you. Focusing on how you can think of things differently isn’t the answer here — that is just a way to put the onus back on you to deal with this issue. Instead, I would encourage you to have a vulnerable, kind, nonconfrontational conversation with your husband. Sure, he might come from a high-context culture, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to share your own feelings. High-context cultures are less direct and more contextual, but relationships require communication so both parties can feel heard.
Express your feelings using I-statements — such as “I feel scared when …” or “I feel upset when …” Try doing this when there isn’t an imminent issue at hand so you can talk generally about the impact of his choices rather than specifically about something in the moment. This can sound like: “When you agree and then do the opposite, it makes it hard for me to trust your word.” Or: “I know we view some risks differently, but it’s starting to negatively affect me. I’d like to understand how this affects you, and I’d appreciate it if you try to do the same for me.”
If conversations continue to be going in circles, consider couples counseling. After all, being in relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict, but rather it’s about the repair of the conflict. I’d wager that if you struggle to resolve this conflict, there are likely other communication pitfalls within the relationship. You can have compassion for each other’s choices or approaches, but you still need to address how your relationship is suffering because of them.
If conversations continue to be going in circles, consider couples counseling. After all, being in relationships doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict, but rather it’s about the repair of the conflict. I’d wager that if you struggle to resolve this conflict, there are likely other communication pitfalls within the relationship. You can have compassion for each other’s choices or approaches, but you still need to address how your relationship is suffering because of them.
Finally, while you continue to explore ways to connect with your husband on this, you can spend some time reflecting on your own emotion regulation. In these moments where you feel preoccupied with something bad happening, building skills for managing the anxiety while also being honest with yourself about the why behind certain preparations will be key. In the case of the knives or your dog’s surgery, you are driven by your loved one’s safety. In other cases, though, be honest if you need to take extra precautions or care to feel comfortable. You’ll want to identify the minimum standard for preparation and action so you can continue to seek out a middle ground with your husband.
In relationships, both parties have to be honest about what they are willing — or not — to do to help quell the other’s anxieties or worries. This is what safety looks like, and right now, you are struggling to feel safe in your relationship. Cultural differences or not, you want to focus on what you both share — a love and commitment in your partnership. That should be important enough for you both to take responsibility and accountability in how you affect the other person and hopefully find a new path moving forward.
Link four
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2. I grew up without an answering machine, and our family's feeling was "Well, if it's important they'll call again". Don't blame history for this.
3. I can't believe I read that in Miss Manners! I think a far easier solution is to stop inviting these people to the house. Also, LW's sister and nephew both need to grow up - laxatives and sanitary napkins are not "embarrassing", and if LW shares that opinion they need to grow up as well.
4. I cannot believe LW has not divorced this dude. As for the parents, listen, anybody who took a simple request to put away the sharp knives when the toddler visited as some sort of insult or accusation that they wanted to harm the toddler would a. never get another visit from me and the toddler again and b. would absolutely be accused directly of wanting to harm the toddler, because wild escalation? That's what I do when confronted with bullshit emotional manipulation.
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3. This is a reiteration of something that was in one of the original Miss Manners books! I remember that the answer advised the person to apologize with something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't think to to tell you that's where I've been keeping my marble collection."
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The letter writer should apologize to their daughter, and fix/replace her door.
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2. "hang up on them at the first glimpse of porcelain." Hahaha, I love you, Carolyn.
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Also, LW describing the result as "she threw a huge tantrum" automatically infantilizes a very reasonable response that basically any adult would have.
2. I give it about even odds that if LW texts their parents, "Is now a good time to call? nothing major," they will call her back within 20 seconds, probably on FaceTime, even if they're in the bathroom.
3. You shouldn't have tampons because someone snooping in your cabinets might see them? I hate to tell LW's sister this, but LW free-bleeding through her clothes is not going to make her nephew any less aware that many people with uteruses menstruate. This is something he's gonna need to take on board.
4. Do you really think that counseling is going to be able to get through to him on this if it's genuinely a cultural issue? I mean, you can try, I guess, but this is not a small or new thing.
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I don't know much about high-context cultures, but I don't think "high-context" means people explicitly agreeing to do something, doing the opposite, and then telling LW there was nothing he could do. Her husband had plenty of opportunities to tell her that she worries too much, and he's going to use his own judgment. Or to ask her not to explain what bad outcome she's trying to avoid, but leave it at what she wants done: "we should follow the vet's instructions," or "we should make sure the door is shut properly."
There's a weird jump here from the idea that mentioning a bad thing makes it more likely, to her husband interpreting "I know you don't want X to happen" as meaning "you want X to happen."
I really doubt that asking someone to move a knife block means "you want my children to get hurt." It might be an indirect way to say something like "you don't know how to take care of the children," which could be insulting, but it's way different from accusing them of wanting to harm the children.
His parents didn't say they were insulted because the LW made a blunt request, rather than saying "I worry about small children in the kitchen" or "children that age will grab anything they can reach." It's the request itself--so either "she shouldn't ask us to be more careful" or "how dare she tell us how to take care of our grandchildren."
I also wonder how directly the in-laws, or her husband, told LW that they felt insulted.
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Oh, yeah, definitely.
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I got this from my in-laws and how it worked in the passive-aggressive mind was: "I know how to keep a child safe in a kitchen. I was looking after children in kitchens before you were born, Missy. How dare you accuse me of not being careful? How dare you insinuate that I would stand by idly and allow a child to be hurt? How dare you imply that I'm a bad evil person who wants the baby to cut himself?!"
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This doesn’t always help, but as nothing else helps either I don’t much care.
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