(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I don’t know what to do about my sister. She has been married to her husband since her stepdaughter was 3 and has been her primary parent for six years. Her stepdaughter adores her, but she is still not “mama.” The biological mother suffers from severe schizophrenia and has been hospitalized many times. She lives with her parents and only interacts with her daughter once a month.

I know my sister and her husband have been trying for a child for a while, but my sister recently called me in tears to tell me that they are both suffering from infertility conditions that make a biological child almost impossible even with a surrogate. Basically, her stepdaughter was a one in a million. But this fact is a thorn in her side.

She confessed she resents that her husband has a biological child and she has “nothing.” I mentioned that her stepdaughter loves her. She said that wasn’t enough. She will never be “mama.” Sometimes she resents the fact she does everything and still that “crazy woman” gets the title. I chalked it up to grief in the moment. But we have had many new conversations where my sister vented and seemed to resent her husband and her stepdaughter for things like, “She didn’t clean her room and her dad didn’t punish her.” Or she hates the sound of her name in her stepdaughter’s mouth. I have gently and directly suggested she talk to a professional but my sister brushes me off. I am really worried about my sister. I am more worried about my niece. I have no clue what to do or say here. Our family loves nothing more than to gossip and judge. What do I do?

—Deep Waters

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